Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics, Xenogears, and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision or Contrail, the latter being the newer name for the company. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff) Um, number... 7, is it? Yes... it's seven. With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ------------------------------------ (Singer) In the not too distant future, (Methinks it was next Thursday) A bunch of poor suckers Have some hell to pay! A group of evil people, led by Mala-chan, They were bored one day, so they dreamed up a plan. They choose some people they didn't like, Then they sent those poor victims into space and- *B-ko cackles* (Mala-chan) We'll send them crappy fanfics, As many as we can find! (Lalala!) (Marle) They'll have to sit and read them all! (Dycedarg) And they'll slowly lose their minds! (Lalala!) (Singer) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end. (Lalala!) To try to keep their sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Rudy! (No Parappa!) Rini! (Rudy no baka!) Lucca! (I'm a genius!) Citan! (This does not bode well...) Charlooooootte! (SMITIN' TIME!!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science fact, Just think to yourself, "It's just a file, I should really just relax, For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever' *Twang!* [The SOL (not the "Satellite of Love", though)] *Rini, Rudy, Hanpan, and Citan are standing on the bridge* Rini: How 'bout "the Satellite of Boredom"? Citan: Then the initials will be "SOB". Rudy: Hehehehehe... Hanpan: You'd like that, wouldn't you? Rudy: Hehehehehehe... Hanpan: I'll take that as a "yes". Rini: Come on, you! We have to come up with a better name or this place will _always_ be called the "S#!t Out of Luck"! Rudy: So? It's a fitting title! Rini: Who asked you? Rudy: Bite me. Rini: *Takes out mallet* Oh, I won't _bite_ you... Citan: Now, now, you shouldn't fight... Hanpan: We'll be right back... ^^;; *Pushes the yellow button* ---------------------------------------------------------------- Announcer: You've seen the "Tickle Me Elmo" doll... *Shows picture of the doll* You've seen the "Furbys"... *Shows picture* But you've never seen anything like this! *Shows a cheaply-made Chu-Chu doll* It's the "Kick Me Chu-Chu"! Yes, now all you frustrated RPG fans out there can *Shows scene of an angry gamer kicking Chu-Chu into a wall* take out your frustrations on the single most annoying character in the RPG multiverse! Buy your "Kick Me Chu-Chu" today! ------------------------ Citan: *On a cell phone* Yes, could you send a "Kick Me Chu-Chu" to an orbiting satellite? You can?! Good... Rini: Could ya get one for me too while you're at it? I'll give you the money for it... *Charlotte and Lucca walk on the bridge carrying in a large box, which they set down on the counter* Lucca: Hehehe, I'm _such_ a genius! Charlotte: Hey, I helped too! *The red button flashes* Rudy: The "Useless Characters Band" is calling... *Presses the button* [Evil Central] Mala-chan: 'Allo, 'allo, test subjects! Dycedarg: Who ya callin' useless? [SOL] Rudy: I'm surprised that you already ran out of animal names to call us. [E.C.] Mala-chan: Shut it, brat. *ahem* In today's Invention Exchange, _we'll_ be going first. B-ko! Bring it out! B-ko: *Off-screen* Um, that's going to be a problem... Mala-chan: Why? B-ko: It won't fit through the door. Mala-chan: Oh bugger. On second thought, you go first. [SOL] Lucca: Right. *Takes out a remote control, not unlike one for an RC car* You've seen those little remote control cars, right? Well, this is one better. *Puts batteries in the remote control and moves the joystick. A small mecha that looks suspiciously like a minature version of Siebzehn stands up in the box* This is the remote controled Minigear! Charlotte: Even the weapons work! Watch! *Snatches the remote from Lucca, makes the Minigear step out of the box, and makes it aim at the box. She pushes a button on the remote and a weaker version of Siebzehn's Graviton Cannon fires and disintergrates the box* Nifty, ain't it? [E.C.] Marle: Ooh, can I get one of those? Please? Mala-chan: *Glares at Marle* Shut up. B-ko! Have you made any progress? B-ko: *Off-screen* Akagiyama Missle Attack! No, I haven't! The person we *ahem* "borrowed" it from is here and he ain't happy! Mystery guy: *Off-screen* How dare you take my Gear, woman! *WHACK!* *WHAM!*SNAP!*CRUNCH!* B-ko: HALP!! [SOL] Citan: That voice... Id?! No... It can't be! He is supposed to be gone! Rini: Three words, Citan-sensei: Instant Plot Device (TM). Rudy: What, none of the "Narrative Casulity" stuff? Rini: That's "Causiality", Rudy. Citan: This is not good... [E.C.] Mala-chan: Marle! Dycedarg! Go help B-ko! *To the screen* While we get things figured out, here's some spam to keep you occcupied. To arms! *Picks up a spear* Onward to victory!! *Runs off* [SOL] Citan: I have a bad feeling about this... *The lights flash and the klaxons go off* Rudy: Never mind that, WE HAVE SCAM SIGN!! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Sunny Funny. You ignore her and keep going. Door 4: It's a Twister mat. After Rudy makes an inappropriate comment about naked Twister, (Rini: Ecchi!) you smack him upside the head and move on. Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's Morrigan and Shaed Bloodgrave. (Lucca: Shaed... *delrious grin*) You have to drag Rudy and Lucca to get to... Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating (L-R): Charlotte, Rini, Rudy, Lucca, Citan* >make EASY MONEY!!! DUN B A FOOL. DO IT!!! Lucca (Whoever typed that): Stay in school and learn how to spell! > Monday, 15-Feb-99 02:21:25 > 205.230.159.23 writes: Rudy: -for a good time, call- *WHAP!* Rini: Don't start! > HOW TO TURN $6 INTO $6,000!!!!!! Citan: All one needs is a comma, three 0's, and six exclaimation marks. > READING THIS COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Charlotte: For the worse, we're afraid. > I found this on a bulletin board and decided to try it. Citan: Pot, that is. >A little while back, I was browsing through newsgroups, just >like you are now, Rudy: -we got bored and trashed the theater, the end. >and came across an article similar to this that said you could make >thousands of dollars within weeks with only an initial investment of >$6.00! Citan (Author): -causing me to decide to stop taking LSD. >So I thought, Yeah right, this must be a scam, Rini: No duh, Einstein! >but like most of us, I was curious, Citan (Author): I was young, and I was high. Fei's voice: Oh God, not again with the drug refs! Elly's voice: Smile and nod, dear, smile and nod. >so I kept reading. Anyway, it said that you Citan -get Sigurd really drunk and get a kareoke machine and a tutu... wait, wrong story. Rudy: A story none of us really wants to know. >send $1.00 to each of the 6 names and address stated in the article. Charlotte: -along with a mailbomb. >You thenplace your own name and address in the bottom of the list at >#6, and post the article in at least 200 newsgroups. Lucca: -effectively pissing off hundreds of people at once. >(There are thousands) Lucca: Sorry, my mistake. >No catch, that was it. So after thinking it over, and talking to a few >people first, I thought about trying it. I figured: what have I got to >lose except 6 stamps and $6.00, right? Then I invested the measly $6.00. >Well GUESS WHAT!!.... Rini: I forgot to close the door? Rudy: *Glares menacingly at Rini* ......... >within 7 days, I started getting money in the mail! Rudy: Those mafia connections really paid off! >I was shocked! Lucca: Bzzt! *Rudy jumps* Hehehe! Rini: Lucca, that's quite enough of that gag. Lucca: So? >I figured it would end soon, but the money just kept Citan (Author): -slipping through my fingers. That's when I decided to _really_ stop taking LSD. >coming in. In my first week, I made about $25.00. By the end of the >second week I had made a total of over $1,000.00! In the third week I >had over $10,000.00 and it's still growing. Rudy (Author): -and by the fourth week, it grew so big that it took over my house! Help me! It's making me wear a dress and dance for it! >This is now my fourth week and I have made a total of just over >$42,000.00 and it's still coming Rini (Guy from "Delta Knights"): I'm comeeng! >in rapidly. It's certainly worth $6.00, and 6 stamps, I have spent >more than that on the lottery!! Charlotte: He spent over 42 thousand on the lottery?! Ladies and gentlemen, the king of all losers! >Let me tell you how this works and most importantly, why it works.... Lucca (Author): It works because I'm lying my ass off! >Also, make sure you print a copy of this article NOW, so you can get >the information off Rudy: *About to say something* Rini: *Takes out mallet* No. >of it as you need it. I promise you that if you follow the directions >exactly, Rudy: -you'll be out six bucks. >that you will start making more money than you thought possible by >doing something so easy! Citan: I did not know you could make money by being an idiot... >Suggestion: Read this entire message carefully! Charlotte: -or delete it from your hard drive. Either way, no one cares. >(print it out or download it.) Rini: -or riff the crap out of it. >Follow the simple directions and watch the money come in! It's easy. >It's legal. Charlotte: It's craptacular. Rudy: It's stupid. Lucca: It's boring. Rini: It's a bird! Citan: It's a plane! Rini and Citan: IT'S SUPERMAN!! Everybody else: *groan* >And, your investment is only $6.00 (Plus postage) Rudy: *Darkly* -and your _SOUL_! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! >IMPORTANT: This is not a rip-off; it is not indecent; it is not >illegal; and it is virtually no risk Citan: Then where's the fun in it? *All look at Citan strangely* What? > - it really works!!!! If all of the following instructions are >adhered to, you will receive extraordinary dividends. Lucca: -ifyaknowwhatImean! Rini: Lucca! >PLEASE NOTE: Please follow these directions EXACTLY, and $50,000 >or more can be yours in 20 to 60 days. Charlotte: -or never, probably. >This program remains successful because of the honesty and integrity >of the participants. Citan: Two to one it's going in the crapper any day now. >Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions. Rini (Hapless 'net junkie): Help! I'm stuck to the screen! Rudy (Friend of hapless 'net junkie): Why'd you do that, ya moron?! Rini (HNJ): It said to "adhere to the instructions"! >You will now become part of the Mail Order business. In this business >your product is not solid and tangible, it's a service. Rudy: The oldest "service" in the world- *WHAP!* Rini: Ecchi! >You are in the business of developing Mailing Lists. Rini: Mailing lists?! Urge to kill... rising... Citan: "Victoria's Secret" mailing list... *grin* Yui's voice: No wonder I keep getting those catalogs! Citan: *Anime sweatdrop* Heheh, I can explain, dear... >Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for quality >lists. However, the money made from the mailing lists is >secondary to the income which is made from people like you and me >asking to be included in that list. Rini: -which would be zip. >Here are the 4 easy steps to success: Citan: One, get a lot of money. Two, buy a large tank. Three, drive tank into capital buliding. Four, demand control of the country. Say, he's right! >STEP 1: Rini: The crap's begun! >Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on each >piece of paper; PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST. Now get 6 US >$1.00 bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 6 *All stare at Rudy and Lucca* Rini: Well? Rudy: Well what? Rini: No stripper line from either of you? Lucca: We don't have to say something at every opportunity, you know. >pieces of paper so the billwill not be seen through the envelope >(to prevent thievery). Citan: (-do not send money through the mail). >Next, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal them. Charlotte: -and set them on fire. >You should now have 6 sealed envelopes, each with a piece of >paper stating the above phrase, Rudy: Which was, "Spank me, hot momma!" *WHAM!* Rini: HENTAI!! >your name and address, and a $1.00 bill. What you are doing is >creating Citan: -a bad name for internet users. >a service. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL! Lucca: If it's so darn legal, why do you keep saying it is? That kind of behavior creates suspicion, you know. >You are requesting a legitimate service and you are paying for it! Rudy: We're paying for it, all right. >Like most of us I was a little skeptical and a little worried >about the legal aspects of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S. >Post Office (1-800-725-2161) and they confirmed that it is indeed >legal! Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses: > #1) KEVIN LEE Rini: UG LEE! UG LEE! UG LEE! > 8377 APT. I MONTGOMERY RUN RD. > ELLICOTT CITY MD 21043 > #2) JEREMY KIM Citan (Emeralda): KIM! KIM! KIM! KIM! KIM! Fei's Kim! > 2968 ROYAL PALM DR. #D > COSTA MESA, CA 92626 > #3) GRACE LEE Rudy (Guy from "Double Dragon"): The Lee brothers, Ug and Home! > 107 E. State St. #505 > Ithaca, NY 14850 Citan (Odysseus): I'm home at last! > #4)Jenny Du Rudy: -Dallas? *WHACK!* > P.O. Box 750902 > Houston,TX 77275-0902 > #5)YuKeiSei Yoda Lucca: Insert "Star Wars" reference of your choice here. > 2817 Grande Camino > Walnut Creek, CA 94598 > #6) Lulu Y. Charlotte: Y? Because we like you! > 16826 Rustic Colony Dr. > Sugar Land, TX 77479 Rini: Sugar... *grin* > > STEP 2: Rini: A winner is you! >Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move >the other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc...) and add YOUR >Name as number 6 on the list. Rudy: *Darkly* You mean 666, hehehe? > STEP 3: Rini: P-chan says, "Bwee"! >Change anything you need to, but try to keep this article as close to >original as possible. Charlotte: -while you burn it. >Now, post your amended article to at least 200 newsgroups. (I >think there are close to 24,000 groups) Lucca: Looks like _someone_ has too much time on his hands... >All you need is 200, but remember, the more you post, the more money >you Citan: -lose. >make! This is perfectly legal! Lucca: THEN QUIT SAYING THAT!! JEEZ!! >If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18 Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the >Postal lottery laws. Rini: "Rudy Goes Postal" has a lottery? Rudy: Rini, please don't mention that story again! >Keep a copy of these steps for yourself and, whenever you need money, Citan: -you steal it or get a job and earn it. >you can use it again, and again. Rini (Baby Plucky): I want to flush it again! > PLEASE REMEMBER that this program remains successful because of >the honesty and integrity of the participants and by their carefully >adhering to the directions. Citan: Like I said, it'll go down the crapper soon. >Look at it this way. Charlotte: What if we want to look at it "that" way? >If you are of integrity, the program will continue and the money that >so many other have received will come your way. Citan: -because you will have beaten them senseless and have run off with the cash. > NOTE: You may want to retain every name and address sent to you, >either on a computer Or hard copy and keep the notes people send you. > This VERIFIES that you are truly providing a service. Lucca: Um, how? >(Also, it might be a good idea to Wrap the $1 bill in dark paper to >reduce the risk of mail theft.) Citan: Not sending it will work better. >So, as each post is downloaded and the directions carefully followed, >six members will be reimbursed for their participation as a List >Developer with one dollar each. Your name will move up the list >geometrically Lucca: That sounds painful. >so that when your name reaches the #1 position you will be receiving >thousands of Rudy: -flames. >dollars in CASH!!! What an opportunity for only $6.00 ($1.00 for >each of the first six people listed above) Send it now, add your own >name to the list and you're in business! > ---DIRECTIONS ----- FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS------------ Rudy: How hard can it be to copy and paste?! > Step 1) You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your >own posting. Simply put your cursor at the beginning of this letter and >drag your cursor to the bottom of this document, and select 'copy' from >the edit menu. This will copy the entire letter into to computer's memory. Rudy: No duh, genius. > Step 2) Open a blank 'wordpad' or 'notepad' file and place your >cursor at the top of the Blank page. From the 'edit' menu select 'paste'. Lucca: Or you could maybe just, oh, I don't know, _RIGHT CLICK THE HIGHLIGHTED TEXT_?!? Rini: Cool it, Lucca. I'm supposed to be the high-strung one, remember? >This will paste a copy of the letter into notepad so that you can add >your name to the list. > Step 3) Rini: Bite me. >Save your new wordpad or notepad file as a .txt file. If >you want to do your Postings in different settings, you'll always have >this file to go back to. Citan: *Has taken out a Gameboy* c'mon, I gotta have another glass sword... Charlotte: *Has fallen asleep* ZzZzZzZz... Rini: Uh oh, we're losing them... > Step 4) Rini: What a bore. >Use Netscape or Internet explorer and try searching for >various newsgroups (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites, >discussions.) *Rudy's making paper airplanes and Lucca's scribbling something in a notebook* > Step 5) Rini: Jump and jive! >Visit these message boards and post this article as a new >message by highlighting the text of this letter and selecting paste from >the edit menu. Fill in the Subject, Rini (Student): Aw damn, not Calculus! >this will be the header that everyone sees as they scroll through the >list of postings in a particular group, Rini: -you'll get flames up the wazoo. >click the post message button. You're done with your first one! Rini: The first one is the most special. > Congratulations...THAT'S IT! *All but Rini are startled by the sudden shouting* Citan: What- oh, it's still going on. >All you have to do is jump to different Lucca: -beds. Rini: Lucca! >newsgroups and post away, after you get the hang of it, it will >take about 30 seconds for each newsgroup! Citan: Thirty seconds? I could say something rather inappropriate, but I do not want to encourge those two... *Indicates Rudy and Lucca* > **REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE MONEY >YOU WILL MAKE!! BUT YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 200** Rini: Great, now I'm deaf. Rudy: What kinda ref? Citan: Don't start that; it was never funny in the first place. > That's it! Charlotte (Author): I can't take it anymore! Fury Brand! *A burst of fire shoots out and leaves a big hole in the screen; normal voice* Dude, that was cool! >You will begin receiving money from around the world >within/ \large >amount| |, you can >invent| | > \ / Rini: Nice work, Charlotte. Now we don't have to read that part. Charlotte: Thanks! > Now the WHY part: Citan: Cosmological, teleological, or... or... shoot, I always forget the other one. > Out of 200 postings, say I receive only 5 replies (a very low example). >So then I made $5.00 with my name at #6 on the letter. Now, each of the 5 >persons who just sent me $1.00 make the MINIMUM 200 postings, each with my >name at #5 and only 5 persons respond to each of the original 5, that is >another $25.00 for me, now those 25 each make 200 MINIMUM posts with my name >at #4 and only 5 replies each, I will bring in an additional $125.00! Rini: The hell? I hate math... Lucca: *Takes out a calculator* Those numbers can't be right... *Starts her own calculations* >Now, those 125 persons turn around and post the MINIMUM 200 with my name >at #3 and only receive 5 replies each, I will make an additional $626.00! >OK, now here is the fun part, each of those 625 persons post a MINIMUM 200 >letters with my name at #2 and they each only receive 5 replies, that just >made me $3,125.00!!! Those 3,125 persons will all deliver this message to >200 newsgroups with my name at#1 and if still 5 persons per 200 newsgroups >react I will receive $15,625,00! *KABOOM!* Rini: The hell?! Lucca: *Holding the remains of the calculator* *hack*cough* cheap dime store calculator... >With an original investment of only $6.00! AMAZING! Citan: *Mock cheerfulness* This is an amazing pile of crap! >When your name is no longer on the list, you just take the latest >posting in the newsgroups, and send out another $6.00 to names on the >list, putting your name at number 6 again. And start posting again. The >thing to remember is: Charlotte (Bobcat Goldthwait): If you're ever on a talk show, don't set it on fire! >do you realize that thousands of people all over the world are >joining the Internet and reading these articles everyday?, JUST LIKE YOU >are now!! Rudy: There are thousands of people stuck in theaters being forced to read this s#!t? Citan: *ahem* Rudy: Well, it is! > So, can you afford $6.00 and see if it really works?? I think so... Citan: He can think? A likely story! >People have said, "e;what if the plan is played out and no one sends you >the money? Rudy: You're out six bucks, obviously. >So what! What are the chances of that happening when there are tons of Lucca (Author): -suckers, er, honest people out there... >new honest users and new honest people who are joining the internet >and newsgroups everyday and are willing to give it a try? > Estimates are at 20,000 to 50,000 new users, every day, with thousands >of those joining the actual Internet. > Remember: play FAIRLY and HONESTLY and this will really work. Rudy (Author): You really _will_ lose six dollars. *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *Ramza stands alone on the bridge. He seems to be hung over* Rini: *Enters from the right* Hi Ramza! So you finally decided to come back to the land of the living. Ramza: *Holds his ears* Ow, not so loud. Rini: Heh, serves you right for drinking. Ramza: Oh, be quiet. Say, Rini? What exactly did I say to you and Rudy yesterday? Rini: Let's see... First, you thought I was a bondage fairy, then you called Rudy a quote enquote "cutie", then you suggested a menage a' trois to the both of us. Ramza: Oy, no wonder you were upset. I'm really sorry for being such an idiot, Rini. Rini: No worries, I forgive you. *Hugs Ramza. The red button flashes. She lets go of Ramza* The "Cute Animals Band" is calling. *Presses the button* [E.C.] *Cecilia stands in the foreground while the battle with Id rages on in the background* Cecilia: Hello! [SOL] Rudy: *Enters* Cecilia?! What's going on down there?! [E.C.] Cecilia: This mime-lookin' is wailing on the guys who sent you up there, that's what! While they're distracted, I'm gonna try to find a way to get all of you down. You'll just have to hang on a little longer... *Id destroys some machinery which in turn makes the screen go blank* [SOL] Rudy: CECILIA!! *Ramza clutches his ears in pain* [E.C.] Cecilia's voice: Don't worry about me, I can take care of myself. [SOL] Rudy: Cecilia... Don't forget that Jane and Elmina are trapped there somewhere; worry about getting them out before getting us down. Be careful... [E.C.] Cecilia: If you insist. Later! [SOL] Rini: I hope she'll be all right. Rudy: Me too, Rini, me too... *Fade to black* *Roll credits* --------------------------------------------------- THE REAL END E-mail comments to me at: Lessa990@aol.com Please? Pretty please? >>Your name will move up the list geometrically > >Lucca: That sounds painful. Season one: ------------------ Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest" Episode 102: Raging Double Feature ("Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage") Episode 103: "The Cursed Waters" Episode 104: "The Jonathanlizers" Episode 105: "Final Fantasy VII: The Untold Story" Episode 106: "The Return of Lord Thinker" Episode 107: "Get Rich Quick" spam.