Turn down the stereo...
	You don't wanna go deaf, now do you?


Legal Crap

Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and 
copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
Final Fantasy Tactics, Final Fantasy 7, and Chrono Trigger are 
copyrighted by SquareSoft
Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision.  
Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s).
Please don't sue; I have no money as is.  ~.~;;

"Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage" both belong to Forman, 
and he's welcome to it.  The intent of this MSTing is not to 
insult/offend Forman, but to simply make a humorous commentary 
the story.  Please don't hurt or flame me.  <=8

Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff)

This is my second MSTing.  Hope it's better than the first one.  As
always, beware of any strange bunnies.  =:) Bugger, there's one now!

With that out of the way, 
		Here we gooooooooooooo!!
------------------------------------

	(Singer) In the not too distant future,
	(Methinks it was next Thursday)
	A bunch of poor suckers
	Have some hell to pay!
	
	A group of evil people, led by Mala-chan,
	They were bored one day, so they dreamed up a plan.
	They choose some people they didn't like, 
	Then they sent those poor victims into space and-
	*B-ko cackles*
	
	(Mala-chan) We'll send them crappy fanfics,
	As many as we can find!  (Lalala!)
	(Marle) They'll have to sit and read them all!
	(Dycedarg) And they'll slowly lose their minds!

	(Singer) Now keep in mind even Lucca can't control
	Where the fanfics begin or end.  (Lalala!)
	To try to keep their sanity,
	Upon each other they must depend!

	RIFFER ROLL CALL!
	
	Rudy! (Lemon fic?)
	Rini! (I'm hyper!)
	Ramza! (Why me?)
	Lucca! (Miss Lucca to you!)
	Jaaaaaaaaaack! (Oh poopie...)

	If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
	And other science fact,  
	Just think to yourself, "It's just a file,
	I should really just relax,
	For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever'" *Twang!*

[The S#!t Out of Luck]
*Rudy and Lucca are discussing possible escape options*
Rudy: Lucca, how long would it take to gain control of the satellite?
Lucca: *Looks over some calculations in a notebook* According to my
calculations, almost a year if I worked nonstop.
Rudy: How long if you don't?
Lucca: Let's just say it would be a very, _very_ long time.
Rudy: *Disappointed* Oh.  How long would it take to build a 
teleportation device?
Lucca: Even longer; I checked the hold earlier and the parts I'd need
aren't there.  
Rudy: So we're pretty much stuck up here until they decide to let us
down.
Lucca: Looks that way.  *The red button flashes* Sailor Mala and the 
Failure Scouts are calling.  *Presses the button*

[Evil Central]
Mala-chan: Now how are my little ferrets doing?

[SOL] 
Rudy: Ferrets?  *Rini and the others come on the bridge*
Rini: Well, you _are_ a little weasel.  ^_^
Rudy: *Exasperated* Be quiet for once, tomboy.
Rini: Make me.  =p

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: *ahem* If you're quite finished, it's time for the 
invention exchange.

[SOL]
Lucca: Invention exchange?!  You never mentioned that before!

[E.C.] 
Mala-chan: So I take it that you're unprepared?

[SOL]
Lucca: No, as a matter of fact.  *Everyone else stare at her* What?
Rudy: But how?
Lucca: You'll see in a moment.

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: So let's see what you got.

[SOL]
Lucca: As you wish.  *Takes out a vial of green fluid and a bowl of 
water and sets them on the counter* You know how fanfic writers can pull 
a plot point out of thin air?  Well, I found out how they do it.  *Picks 
up the vial*  Behold, the Instant Plot Device (TM)!  Just add water and 
voila!  *Pours the contents of the vial into the bowl.  The instant the 
Instant Plot Device (TM) hits the water, Vejita appears*
Vejita: What the- 
Lucca: Buh bye!  *Uses another Instant Plot Device.  Vejita disappears*
Cool, huh?

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: Most impressive, but I can do better.  Dycedarg, Marle, B-ko!
Bring it out!  *Marle, B-ko, and Dycedarg bring out a _huge freakin'_ 
contraption that's covered by a sheet and set it down in the middle of 
the room*
Dycedarg: Oh, my achin' back!
Marle: Call a chiropracter!
Mala-chan: Stop whining; you _are_ expendable, you know.
Marle and Dycedarg: *grumble* Yes ma'am.
Mala-chan: Now that that's settled, allow me to present-  *Grabs ahold 
of the sheet and, in one swift motion, yanks it off* -THE DARAVON 
RPG TRANSLATOR!

[SOL]
Ramza: DARAVON RPG TRANSLATOR?!?  
Rudy: *Spooky voice* Be afraid, be very afraid!

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: As well you should be.  With this baby, *Pats the machine*
I'll be able to drive every RPG player mad with horrible translations!  
And then, all hell will break lose!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AHA, AHA!!

[SOL]
Rudy: I think you may be too late.  I know a couple of RPG players and
they're already loopy.
Voice: I heard that, brat!  BOLT!  *A bolt of lightning strikes Rudy*

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: Oh poopie.  Anywho, today's fics are from Forman's 
"Rage" series.  

[SOL]
Jack: "Fics"?!  There's going to be more than one of them?!

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: Yep!  Since they're not quite finished yet, I grouped them 
together.  Twice the hurting for the same amount of lines.  Cool, ne?

[SOL]
Ramza: *Dryly* Yeah, cool.

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: Dycedarg, send them the hurting!
Dycedarg: Consider them in pain, my lady.  *Presses the button*

[SOL]
*Rudy has just recovered*
Rudy: What the hell just happened?  *The lights flash and the klaxons
go off*
Lucca: I'll tell you later, but now WE'VE GOT RAGE SIGN!!

*Door sequence

Door 6: Dogbone door.  Opens automatically
Door 5: It's P.J. Berri from Parappa the Rapper.  You give him a 
doughnut and he gets out of the way.
Door 4: It's C-ko Kotobuki and she's crying.  You duct tape her mouth
shut and continue.
Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge.  It falls out 
towards you, barely missing you.
Door 2: It's a door from the Enterprise.  You avoid Marissa and keep
going
Door 1: It's a wall.  Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an
opening appears.*

Ramza: I just thought of something.  She didn't tell us _which_ rages
she was going to send.
Lucca: Well, we're about to find out.

>Wild Arms Rage!

Rudy: Wild...
Jack: ARMs...
Hanpan: Rage...?
Jack: This is going to hurt badly, isn't it?  *Rudy nods and Hanpan
hides in Jack's pocket*

>(It is a normal day in the land of rage. That is, people are 
>mutating for no apparent reason, and other such normalities.)

Rudy: Ugh, sounds like the beginning of one of Chibi's fics.  
Voice: I heard that!  *P.A. speaker crakles with electricity* 

>Jack: My god! 

Rini: -dess.
Rudy and Lucca: That's megami-sama!
Rini: *Mumbles something about otaku*

>It's such a wonderfully normal day!

Rudy: At least Forman got one person in character...  ^_^
Jack: Shut up, Rudy.

>Hanpan: Yes, I believe it is! For I am the knowledgable and curious, 
>if a little arrogant, Hanpan! 

Jack: Just a little arrogant?  What has he been smoking?
Hanpan: *Indignantly* I resent that remark. 

>And I say that it is a wonderfully normal day!

>Jack: Umm... actually, I said that, you thieving scum.

Rini: Nani?  Since when is Hanpan "thieving scum"?
Ramza: Smile and nod, Rini.

>Cecilia: Oh my lord, what a wonderfully...

>Jack: It's played out now, give it a rest, will you???

Ramza: Amen to that one.  Does this mean it's over?  *Gets up*
Rini: *Holding a mallet* Sit down; no one's leaving 'til the end.
Ramza: Damn.  *Sits down*

>Cecilia: What?

Lucca: Our thoughts exactly.

>Jack: Never mind. Just forget I said anything.

Rudy: That's easy to do- *Jack gets up and smacks Rudy upside his
head* Ow!  

>(Rudy skips 

Rudy: -this entire fanfic because he has too much class for that, right?
_RIGHT_?!  O_o

>into the room, singing 'Auld Lang Syne',

Rudy: Oh crap...
Rini: *To the tune of "Auld Lang Syne"* o/~ Should all bad fanfics
be forgot/ and neeeeeever brought to miiiiiiiind? o/~

>and wearing nothing more than a pair of Y-fronts. 

Lucca: Well, hellooooo, Rudy!  
Rini and Lucca: *Make assorted catcalls and whistles*
Rudy: *Mutters* This is humiliating...

>He levels his gun at his own forehead and pulls the trigger, thus 
>spraying parts of his grey matter all over the room.)

All: Eeeeeeeewwww!
Lucca: It's a Nav fic in disguise!
Ramza (Random charater): Now who's going to clean up this mess?   
Rudy: At least I got out of the story quickly...

>Jack: Oh great. That's just wonderful. Ruin the normality, why don't 
>you? Selfish pig.

Rini: Rudy fell into the Spring of the Drowned Pig?
Ramza: *Hums the season one Ranma 1/2 theme*
Rudy: Ssssh!  You don't want to give people ideas for a crossover!

>Hanpan: Some people always like to make a dramatic entrance, don't 
>they?

Rudy: Particularly a certain violent tomboy here- *Thwap!* Ow!
Rini: Shaddap, you.

>Jack: Still, we knew he was one armadillo short of a thermonuclear 
>cannon 

Rini: The hell does that mean?
Lucca: Well, *Goes into a lengthy explaination of the link between
armadillos and thermonuclear cannons*
Rini: *Anime sweatdrop* Sorry I asked...

>when he cut off his arm... just cause he's an android type thing.

Rudy: *Clearly annoyed* ANDROID?!  ANDROID?!?  
Lucca: We have SPOILER RANT SIGN!
Rudy: Excuse me, but I am a _Holmcross_, you idiot!  It just means I'm made 
of living metal rather than living flesh!  I still act human, you &($^#$*&)
(%^&#$*$#*^$@*&)^^&*%)^&#^!And in addition, I only did that so I would be 
dragged into the (*)&*(& void with that *()&* Zeikfried! 
Jack: Whoa, dude!
Rini: Rudy's goin' postal!
Rudy: DON'T MENTION THAT STORY AGAIN, #$%$&*(^&)^(*#%^@^%(*BEEEEEEP!*
Huh?  
Voice: All that swearing activated the automatic censor.  It'll go 
away eventually.
Rini: Now see what you did, baka?  *Smacks Rudy*

>Cecilia: Aiiieee!  You've just ruined an important plot twist for 
>anyone who hasn't finished the game yet! You bufoon!

Rudy: *Getting ready to rant again* Why that- *WHAM!*
Rini: *Puts up the mallet* That'll keep him quiet for a while.

>Hanpan: And that's a spelling error, you ignoramus! The proper 
>spelling is b-u-f-f-o-o-n!

Jack: Is Hanpan the only IC character here?
Ramza: Looks like that, don't it?
Rini: How does he know there's a spelling error?
Hanpan: It's simple; I'm smarter than all of them.
Jack: Hey!

>(Calamity Jane runs in) 

>Jane: Ahhhh! A rat! 

Ramza: Then without warning, Jane ran through Polonius, who was
hiding behind the curtain.  
Jack: I don't get it.
Rini: Neither will half the people who read this- *CRASH!*
Lucca: Rini!  Don't break the fourth wall!
Rini: Oopsie...

>(Runs over and clobbers Hanpan with a frying pan, 

Rini and Jack: KABONG!!

>and runs out again.)

Ramza: -into the middle of traffic, where she was hit by a bus and 
died.  The end.
Rudy: *Really out of it* I like pie...
Rini: Heh, guess I hit him a little _too_ hard, ne? ^^;;

>Jack: Hmm... so much for the normality, I suppose. 

Ramza: And he's just arriving at that conclusion just now?
Rudy: *Still kinda out of it* IC...
Jack: Hey!

>Still, Hanpan's breathing, so I guess it's all okay... 

Rini: *Stands up* What the hell is wrong with you?!  NOTHING IS OKAY 
HERE, NOTHING!  OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!  *Collapses*
Lucca: At least her head didn't explode.
Ramza: Why would that happen?
Lucca: I'll tell you later, 'K?

>in fact, life is wonderful!  I'm going to sing a song! 

Rudy: *No longer out of it* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  DON'T LET HIM
SING!!
Jack: Kid, you're really pushing your luck here...

>(Picks up his guitar and begins to strum.)

Rudy: Get the earplugs!
Jack: One more comment like that and I'll burn your "Gunsmith Cats"
manga.
Rudy: You wouldn't!  O.O
Jack: *Deadpan* Try me.
 
>Hanpan is so furry and cute, he loves to live inside my boot,

Lucca: SQUISH!
Hanpan: Please, I'm far too smart to die like that.

>he stopped staying in my un-der-pants, for fear that I would toot!

Hanpan: *Bug-eyed* EXCUSE ME?!?
Rudy: *Falls out of his seat, laughing hysterically*
Jack: That's it!  *Leaves*
Rini: The question is, "Why would Hanpan be in there in the first 
place?"
Lucca: That's sick, Rini.
 
>(Stops singing.) Hey, Cecilia! How does Hanpan like my song?

Rudy (Cecilia): About as much as a visit to the vet.  *Jack reenters,
holding a "GC" manga and a lighter*
Jack: Say bye-bye to Rally Vincent, Rudy!  *Flicks the Bic and sets 
fire the the corner of the manga.  The fire sprinklers are
triggered and get everyone soaked.  The manga fire has been put out*
Rini: *Awakened by the water.  The purplish tinge  in her hair is gone; 
it was only some cheap spray-on stuff.  She notices the dye is running 
down her face, making streaks of purple as it goes down.  Needless to
say, she is throughly pissed off* JACK NO BAKA!!  *WHAM!* 

>(Cecilia goes over to check)

Lucca: -her hair in the mirror, for she didn't give a rat's *BLEEP* about
Hanpan, pun intended.

>Cecilia: I don't think he liked it. He's dead.

Lucca (Cecilia as Bones): He's dead, Jim, er, Jack.
Ramza: Lucky mouse; at least he doesn't have to be in the story 
anymore.
Rudy: *Holding the manga and weeping* *whimper* it's worth nothing
now *sniffle*

>Jack: What???

Rudy (Jack): The new Garth Brooks album is out?!  *sniffle*

>Cecilia: Well, he's stopped breathing and there's a trickle of blood 
>running from his nose. 

Lucca: A nosebleed?  When did Hanpan become Ryouga Hibiki? 
Rini (Hanpan as Ryouga): Where is Adlehyde High School?!

>(Snaps her fingers) Oh yeah! Hanpan was fatally allergic to high 
>frequency guitar notes. 

Rudy: That's the usual reaction to Jack's "music".
Jack: *Still out of it* A winner is you! 

>It was your song that killed him, Jack. His death is on your 
>shoulders.

Rini: I thought Hanpan died on the floor.
Ramza: It's figurative speech, Rini.
Rini: Since when is that used in this fic?
Ramza: Since now, I guess.

>(Later, in an asylum.... 

Rudy: -which is where the author ought to be.   

>Jack is headbutting 

Ramza: So he's a ram, then.  
All but Jack and Ramza: *Make bleating noises*

>some padded walls after 

Ramza: -reading this fic.

>going insane upon learning he was the cause of Hanpan's death. Of 
>course, being the rage series, he is only temporarily dead.)

Jack (Max): *Has recovered* He's only mostly dead!
Rudy (Hanpan, British accent): I'm not dead yet! 
Rini (Hanpan, British accent): I'm getting better!

>Jack: Tree handles! Give me more tree handles! Ahahaha!

Rini: "Tree handles"?
Lucca: I'm afraid to ask...

>Cecilia: I can't. You've eaten them all.

>Jack: HAhahahahah! But they were so sweet and tasty!

Rudy: No comment.
Rini: That's the end?  How odd...  *All leave*

*Reverse door sequence*

[SOL]
Rudy: You idiot!  You ruined this manga!  *Waves it in front of 
Jack's face*
Jack: It's your own fault!  I warned you that if you made another 
comment- 
Rini: Quiet!  We have enough problems as is; we don't need to add
"infighting" to the list!  *They both ingnore her.  She takes out a
book called "Spell Casting for Dummies" and turns to the page marked 
"Filgaian Spells"* Silence!  *A double helix of green stars circle 
both Rudy and Jack, causing them to be unable to speak* Much better.  
^_^
Lucca: *Thinking out loud while writing in a notebook* hmm, if I can add 
this to that... mmm hmm... get lead paint chips... toosie pops... infinite 
improbability drive...  *The lights flash and the klaxons go off* Oh bugger; 
WE HAVE RAGE SIGN!!

*Door sequence

Door 6: Same as before.
Door 5: P.J.'s back.  You give him a couple more doughnuts and he 
leaves.
Door 4: C-ko's told A-ko what you did, and boy, is A-ko pissed.  
You manage to outrun her and go through the next door.
Door 3: Same as before, but the door raises after you get through, 
causing A-ko to run into it.
Door 2: Marissa is now Sailor Marissa.  You run like hell through 
the last door.
Door 1: The opening's still there.* 

>Oh my God! It's .....

Ramza: -another bad fanfic!

>TOSHINDEN RAGE!!!!

>----------------------------

Rini: It's the killer ants!  Run!

>(We zoom in on an everyday 

Rini: o/~ -is a winding rooooad... o/~

>scene in heaven.  Eiji's father (The old, venerable man with a REALLY 
>cool white beard. You see them in every martial arts film ever made.) 

Rudy (Venerable old man): *The Silence spell wears off* Grasshopper, try to 
snatch the pebble from my hand...

>and Tempest are seated at a cloud laden table. 

Ramza: "Cloud laden table"?  Eew, even _I_ wouldn't wish that on him.
Rini: Not that kinda Cloud, Ramza.

>Kayin's dad is singing the following to the tune of 'Yankee Doodle', 
>and rather loudly too.)

>Tempest: Ma-ry had a lit-tle lamb, she tied it to a py-lon, ten 
>thou-sand volts shot up it's arse and turned it into ny-lon!

Rudy: To quote Aeris Gainsburough, "The man are sick."

>E.D: 

Ramza: Ellen Degeneres?
Rudy: Elvis's dead?
Rini: Evil dread?
Lucca: Ernie's duckie?
Jack: Elephant's doughnuts?

>Hey Tempest! A letter for you! 

Jack (E.D. as Big Bird): It's the letter Q!

>(Tempest can't hear him for his own voice.)

Rudy: Reminds me of someone else here...
Rini: *Glares menacingly at Rudy* You had better not be talking about 
me, boy!
Rudy: *Anime sweatdrop* Um... <=8

>Tempest: Oh, Ma-ry had a lit-tle lamb, she also had a duck, she put 
>them on the man-tlepiece to see if they would....

Rini: *Thinks* Don't finish that thought.  _Please_ don't finish that
thought.  Bad mental image if you finish that thought...

>E.D: 

Rudy: Eerie dusk?
Lucca: Earring dude?
Jack: E-
Rini: All right, no more initial jokes.

>DUDE!!! That is NOT cool!!!!

Ramza: Like we didn't know that before.
Lucca (Tempest): Dude, don't bogart the exclaimation marks!!!!! 

>Tempest: Whay?!? 

Rudy: Tempest _is_ Keenan Thompson.

>What? What's up, you decrepit and venerable old man?

Rudy (E.D.): That's the problem, it won't go up!
Rini: Rudy!  *Thwap!*

>E.D: There's a letter for you! (Produces letter with an extravagant 
>bow.

Rudy: A bow?  Hope there's arrows to go with that...
Rini (Kyle): Oh my God!  They killed Tempest!
Lucca (British accent): And there was much rejoicing.
All: *Blandly* Yay.
 
>Tempest opens it up 

Ramza: And it exploded and killed everyone a second time. The end.
Rini: Feeling dark, Ramza?

>and starts reading.)

Ramza (Tempest): You must send copies of this letter to thirty 
people within the next five minutes?!

>Tempest: ...

Rudy: My thoughts exactly.
Rini: The hell are you talking about?
Rudy: That was Main Characterese.  He said, "This blows."

>E.D: Well, what's it say?

>Tempest: ........ 

Rudy: You said it, pal.
Rini: What'd he say this time?
Rudy: "I hate this place."

>you wrote this, didn't you?

>E.D: I dunno, 

Jack (E.D. as Lenny): I dunno nuttin'.  Now tell me about the 
rabbits, George.
Rudy (Tempest): For the last time, my name ain't George!

>what's it say?

Lucca (Tempest): You may have won ten million dollars.

>Tempest: 'There once was a man 

Lucca: -from Venus, who was shaped very much like a-
Rini: Lucca!

>called Sprockett, 

Jack (Dieter): And now is the time on Sprockets where we dance! 

>who went to the moon

Ramza: Poor Usagi... 
 
>in a rocket. The rocket went bang, his bollocks went clang, and 
>he found his knob in his pocket.

Lucca: Saaaayy...
Rini: Lucca!

>'......... 

Rudy: *Dryly* Thank you for sharing.
Rini: Why?  What'd he say?
Rudy: You'd slap me if I told you.

>who else would write such a pathetic line?

Rudy: That's easily answered; Chibi-
Voice: BOLT 3!  *A ball of lightning zaps Rudy, along with Rini and
Lucca* Oopsie!  Sorry, Rini and Lucca.

>E.D: Haha! Up yours ugly, you don't get mail in heaven! 

Jack (E.D.): -unless you have the evil known as AOL!  Vwee hee hee!  

>Ahahahah!  (View goes down to earth. Eiji and Kayin are absolutely 
>plastered, 

Jack: -like I will be after this is over, providing that there _is_
booze on this satellite.

>with Fo and Ellis chatting by the wayside.)

>Eiji: Heyyyyy Kayinnnnn! 

Jack (Eiji as Binkie the Clown): Heeeeeeeey kiiiiiiiiiiids!

>Whash dosh yough shink wouod hashen ifsh Shofia 
>wash in 'Dead Or Alivesh'?

Ramza: Judging from the outfits they have, she probably wouldn't
have much to wash.
Hanpan: That was pathetic.
Ramza: I don't see you saying much, rodent.
Hanpan: Simpleton.

>(Kayin falls over, laughing uproariously at the prospect of Sofia 
>being pulled onto her face by the laws of gravity, moments before 
>the backlash catapults her to the moon. 

Jack (Marvin the Martian): Holy crap, the earthlings are shooting 
bimbos at me!

>He is then noisily sick, 

Rudy: *Comes to, along with the others* -just like us if this turns out
to be a lemon.

>curls up and promptly falls asleep. 

Rini: Lucky man.

>He is awoken by a kick to the nads, administered by his 'friend'.)

*All males wince in sympathy*

>Ellis: But Fo, I'm so afraid of being refused!

Lucca (Ellis): Ifyaknowwhatimean!
Rini: Lucca!

>Fo: Well, my fortunate young friend, 

Rudy (Fo as Vegeta): I will spare you from the pain of being in this
fanfic by sending you... TO ANOTHER DIMEMSION!  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lucca: He's been Sabanized!  *Screams*

>you have the amazing luck to be 

Rudy (Still as Fo/Vegeta): SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lucca: *Screams again*
Rini: You do that _too_ well, Rudy.

>talking to the number one stud in the universe! 

All: *Laugh their heads off*

>(Gives her a 'handsome' smile. 

Rudy: That's not all he gave her- *SMACK!* OW!
Rini: Rudy no hentai! 
Jack: Bad mental image, bad, bad...  

>She inwardly bolts 

Rudy: Ack!  *Hides under the seat*

>for it upon seeing the vegetation growing from between the cracks in 
>his teeth.)

Jack: -and the little cattle grazing on it.
Rini: Ick, Jack!

>Ellis: Ummmm.......

Rudy: *Sit's back down* I wouldn't blame you, Ellis.
Rini: What is it this time?
Rudy: She said, "If he tries to touch me, I'll cut off his hands."

>Fo: You see, you should just go talk to him, and take it from there. 

Rudy: Take what, pray tell?  *Thwap!*
Rini: Knock it off!

>Don't make your intentions clear until you know each other better!

Rudy (Fo): Ifyaknowwhatimean!  *SMACK!*

>Ellis: Whoa! What an amazing idea! You know, if you weren't so old and 
>wizened and saggy looking, I'd damn well kiss you!  (Scampers off.)

Jack: "Scampers"?  What is she, a chipmunk?
Hanpan: *shriek!*
Jack: Huh?
Lucca: Three words: "9 1/2 Chipmunks". 

>Fo: Ahhh... young love. (A pretzel runs by, screaming 'Eat me!' at the 
>top of its voice.)

Ramza: *Anime sweatdrop* Ooookaaay...

>Fo: Oh my god! I'd better take off my clothes before I turn into a 
>computer!  (Starts tearing off his clothes.)

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

>(For reasons of good taste, the view changes as Ellis runs over and 
>tries to chat up a frog. 

Rudy: *Sarcastically* Oh yes, that's _so much_ better.

>Upon kissing it, 

Rini: -the frog took off and filed a sexual harassament suit against
Ellis.

>it turns into Vermillion in a puff of smoke.)

Lucca: Woo hoo!  Maybe he'll go nuts and strip too!
Rini: You need a hobby, Lucca.
Lucca: You mean this doesn't count as one?

>Verm: Arrrrgh! Nazi's! (Shoots Ellis in the forehead.)

Rudy: Alright, Verm!  ^_^
Rini: Baka!  *Thwap!* 

>Kayin: Now there's something you don't see every day!

Ramza: A crappy fanfic?  Oh wait, we do...

>Eiji: What?

Jack (Kayin): A walrus talking of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of 
cabbages and kings to a bunch of oysters!
Lucca (Kayin): A guy who turns into a girl when splashed with cold water!
Ramza (Kayin): A girl in a fuku fighting a youma!
Rini (Kayin): A kid named Kenny who dies every day!
Rudy (Kayin): A bunch of RPG characters and a Mary Sue on a satellite 
reading bad fanfiction!
Rini: Who's Mary Sue?
Lucca: *Whispers to Rudy* it's so sad when they're in denial.  *Rudy nods*

>Kayin: A toaster!

All: Oh.

>Eiji: My God, Kayin! You're right! How strange! What on earth is a 
>toaster doing here? 

Rudy (Kayin): Making toast, dumbass!

>Kayin: I believe it's making toast!

>Eiji: My God! 

Rudy (Eiji): It's full of crap! 

>You really don't see that every day, do you?

>(The toaster starts playing music, for some bizarre reason. A 
>Scottish bagpipe melody spouts forth.)

Rini: BAGPIPE MUSIC?!?  *Extremely high-pitched* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  *Rudy and 
Ramza clutch their ears in pain*

>Kayin: Hey, Eiji! Are ye dancin'?

>Eiji: Are ye asking?

>Kayin: Aye, ah'm askin!

>Eiji: Well, piss off! I'm not dancing to that crap! 

Rini: Nani?!
Lucca: Since when do they have accents?
Ramza: Smile and nod...

>(Kayin turns off the toaster and sits down, dejected. The radio 
>crackles to life.)

>Radio: We interrupt reality to bring you some shocking news. 

Lucca: Bzzt!  *Rudy dives under the seat again*  Heh, heh, heh!

>The well known psychopathic killer type bastard known as Vermillion 
>has been seen around this area. 

Ramza: -as well as Psyducks and Pikachus. 

>If you should happen to find him, we recommend stringing him up by 
>his...  

Rini (Roger Rabbit): NOSE!

>(Vermillion blows it to bits.)

Jack: -and kibbles.

>Verm: Oh my sweet sainted aunt! I have no idea how I managed to break 
>it from this distance!

Rudy: *Back in his seat* If he puts on a dress and starts talking about 
his mother, I'm outta here!

>Fo: Yes, it was weird! You just, like, aimed your shotgun at it and 
>violently pulled the trigger!

Jack: His Chrono Trigger?
All: *groan*
Lucca: Shameless game plug #1.
Rini: Waitaminit!  Did Fo ever put his clothes back on?  *Pause*
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

>Kayin: Hey, Eiji! I bet you could make a dirty joke out of that!

Rudy: You could?  Damn.
Lucca: Ditto. 

>Eiji: Shut it! (Whacks Kayin in the genitals with a rusty pipe.)

*All males wince again*

>Kayin: Haha! Missed both my legs!

Rini: I don't think it really matters that he missed your legs,
Kayin.

>(Eiji whacks him in the same spot again. 

*Yet again, the guys winced*

>Kayin is obviously in severe pain.)

Rudy: No s#!t, Sherlock!  
Rini: Dude, the censor's gone!

>Kayin: You're not very good at this, are you? In fact, I bet a 
>flying Frenchman would be better at it than you!

Jack (French accent): Now go away or I will taunt you a second
timer!
Ramza: There's a French guy in Toshinden, isn't there?
Rudy: Yep.  Two to one he's going to fly by and whack Kayin.

>(Duke floats by and lobs a pipe at him. It smashes into both his legs 
>at once, pitching him to the ground. Duke then flies through a wall.)

Rini: Like we didn't see _that_ coming.

>Kayin: See? What did I tell you? (Sees Verm approaching.) Hey! 
>Vermillion the transplanted barman is coming over to serve us 
>tasty beverages! 

Rudy: What's he talking about?  Is he drunk or something?
Jack: Actually, yeah.  You were out of it when they said that.

>You'd never think to look at him that he's a murderous scum who has 
>slaughtered thousands, would you?  

Rini: The hell?
Rudy: A sentence that'd make Thinker proud.
Ramza: Or Daravon.
Lucca: Or Ted Woosely.
Jack (Woosely/Thinker/Daravon): You spoony bard, Gyra famous on Amy!  
This is not the aim! 

>(Points at Vermillion the transplanted barman. He is trailing along 
>Ellis' head which he ripped from her body using nothing more than 
>his teeth.)

Rini: We did _NOT_ need to know that!
Rudy: *Dryly* I hope he flossed afterward.

>Eiji: No, not at all Kayin. Hey, Verm! Two shandy's, please.

Ramza: What exactly is a "shandy"?
Jack: You don't drink much, do you?  *Ramza shakes his head*

>Vermillion: (Giving them a bloodstained smile.)

Rini: Eew!
Rudy: He forgot to floss!

>I know you two, pals.  You've got the look.

>Eiji: The look?

Rini: *Singing* o/~ He's got the look/ He's got the loo-oo-ook! o/~

>Vermillion: Yeah, the look that says you aren't afraid to turn your 
>eyeballs inside out and 

Rudy: o/~ -find nothing but faith in nothing... o/~ 

>gape at the very nature of your souls, not knowing the bitter taste 
>of fear at what you might find.

Jack (Verm): -like Blue's Clues. 

>Kayin: You're insane, aren't you?

Rudy: So are most of the fanfic writers out there.
Voice: Pardon?  *The P.A. speaker crackles with electricity*
Rudy: *gulp* -but most are crazy in a good way.
Voice: Good boy. 

>Vermillion: Hey boys, don't be like that. So I slaughtered a few 
>hundred people a few weeks ago. Let's live live and let live, eh?  

Rudy (Verm as a James Bond villian): Or live and let DIE!  
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rini: Rudy, you're really starting to scare me now...

>(Looks at Kayin in astonishment, jaw agape.) And you accuse me 
>of being insane???

Ramza: Pissed off, Verm blows away everybody, including himself.
The end.

>(View switches back to Kayin, who is now wearing a table lamp 
>on his head, with his whole face brightly illuminated.)

Jack (Kayin as Sephiroth): I a pwetty ballerina!
Lucca: Now how many people do you suppose will get that?

>Kayin: Don't talk tae me, ye arse! Naebody talks tae a table lamp 
>unless they're completely aff their heid! (Vermillion runs home 
>screaming.)

Rini (Verm): -I AM THE WALRUS!!  GOOB GOOB GA'JOOB!

>Eiji: That was beautiful, man.

Lucca (Eiji): And so are you.  You, me, skinny dipping-
Rini: Lucca!
Rudy (Eiji): Her, too!
Rini: Rudy!  *Takes out an Iron Fan and smacks both Rudy and Lucca* 

>Kayin: Aye, but it's gonnae take me five hours tae get the bloody 
>flex oota ma arse!

Lucca: So they've started already-
Rini: *Holds a _really_ big mallet* One more hentai remark and so 
help me...

>Eiji: You think you've got it bad? I once coveted my neighbour's Ox!

Rudy: It's beneath my dignity to comment on this one.

>Kayin: And?

>Eiji: Well, he didn't have an Ox! So I had to go out and buy him one, 
>so that I could covet it! And then I soaked it in wild honey, and 
>covered it with loadsa hundreds and thousands! And then....

Lucca: Gyah!  Eiji's become Oscar!  *Dives under the seat*
Hanpan: *shriek!*

>(Vermillion has arrived home to find Uranus awaiting his return. She 
>kinda freaks upon seeing Ellis' head in the bag.)

Jack: *Almost over the edge* KINDA FREAKS?!
Ramza: *Almost over the edge himself* S-smile and n-nod...  

>Vermillion: Calm yourself, woman! You're over-reacting to a serene 
>and commonplace occurance!

Jack: COMMONPLACE?!?
Rini: Don't nitpick; that's my job.

>Uranus: You go missing for five days and turn up all of a sudden 
>with a human head in a safeway bag, and you accuse me of 
>over-reacting?

Rudy (Verm as Concord Condor): Duh, yupyupyupyupyupyup!

>Vermillion: (Sighing) Well, what can I say? They'd run out of 
>corned beef!  Get the oven ready, will you?

Jack: OVEN?!?!

>Uranus: You're a few marbles short of a wrestling ring, you know that?

Rini: Nani?
Lucca: *Back in her seat* The connection is very simple, you see- 
Rini: No, I don't want to know.  All right?

>Vermillion: Of course I do! You know that British programme 'Ready, 
>Steady, Cook'? Well, where I come from it's more like 'Ready, Steady, 
>Smear your body in pigs blood and run about the exercise yard naked'. 

Lucca: Bomp chika bomp wow!  
Rini: Lucca no hentai!  *WHAM!*

>(Chuckles pervertedly.)

Rini: Verm no hentai!  *Tries to wallop him, but the mallet bounces 
off the screen and hits Rini*

>Uranus: Oh. And that was on Channel 4, was it?

>Vermillion: Anyway, enough happy nostalgia. Are you going to cook that 
>head or will I have to do it?

Rudy (Uranus): Oh, I'll cook the head all right...  *Mimes throwing
Verm's head in the oven* 

>(Uranus bungs the head in the oven and turns it up to full. Scene 
>changes to Sofia, Rungo, Ripper and Tracy. Rungo is reading a book 
>entitled 

Rudy: - 'Spell Casting for Dummies'.
Ramza: -'The Germonik Scriptures'.
Jack: - 'Skippy the Hyperintelligent Pipe Mold's Adventure in Cheese
Land'.
Rudy: Jack, what the hell are you talking about?
Jack: I wish I knew.

>'How to deal with a whip-toting psychopath that is 
>threatening you with extinction if you don't do exactly what she says, 
>all for the sake of the Rage series - Part 2.')

Rudy: I think "Spell Casting for Dummies" would be a lot more help.

>Rungo: Ach! This book isn't helping worth a damn! Get to hell, 
>Sofia!  You're ruining my life!

Jack (Sofia): Don't blame me!  Blame the guy who wrote this!

>Sofia: (Holding her head) 

Rudy (Sofia): Re... union... Seph... i... roth... 

>I'm telling you, one of my headaches is coming on! 

>Tracy: Uh oh.... don't let her get one of her headaches!

>Rungo: (Taunting) Oh? Why not? What happens with one of your 
>head-aches?

Lucca (Tracy): *Comes to and sits down* She thinks she's a Teletubbie 
when that happens!

>(Sofia grabs a knife and sets it against the suddenly-terrified 
>Rungo's throat.)

Rudy: I'm not about to go there...

>Tracy: Well, since you're asking... pretty much that.

>Sofia: I'll kill him! I'll kill you all you bastards, so I will! You all 
>hate me because I'm fat!

Rudy (Cartman): I'm not fat; I'm festively plump!

>Ripper: There you go again, jumping to conclusions! 

Jack (Sofia): But that's because jumping to conclusions are what
Sofias do best!  Hoohoohoohoooooo!

>We don't hate you 'cause you're fat. We hate you because you're ugly!

Rudy (Ripper): Plus the fact you have more silicon in your body than
half the world's computers combined.

>Sofia: Right! Your friend is missing a head! 

Rudy: So suddenly they're in Sleepy Hollow.
Rini: *Back in her seat* Maybe she'll kill Ichibod Crane next.

>(Gets ready to kill Rungo.  She is clubbed senseless by the previously 
>unseen Cupido and her chip-pan.)

Rini: The hell's a chip-pan?

>Tracy: Well, the doctor recommended therapy, but I suppose a chip-pan off 
>the face is more immediate.....

Rini: I prefer using a mallet to the head myself...

>(View switches back.)

>Eiji: ....So then I turned it upside down and wrote 'Eiji covets this Ox' 
>on the bottom of it and....

Lucca (Yuffie): Gawd, he's still talking about the ox?  Grossness!

>Kayin: Eiji, will you shut up about the bloody Ox?!?!? 

Ramza: Bloody ox?  What, did he beat it?
Hanpan: Call the ASPCA!
Jack: For the ox?
Hanpan: Forget the ox; call 'em for me!

>I mean, you and I may be psychopaths, but all around you are the happy 
>punters going about their business! I mean, look over there! (Points off 
>camera) Look! 

Rini: *Looks in the direction Kayin's pointing* All I can see is the side
of Ramza's head...

>Happy muggers beating the living hell out of some tourists 
>and making off with their cash! 

Rini (Kayin): -and stealing my car...  MY CAR?!?  Argh, I'll rip out their
tongues!

>(Points elsewhere) And over there! Good old Mondo picking fights with 
>trees! 

Rudy: So he beats wood in public- *Thwap!* Ow!
Rini: Hentai!

>Look! He just broke his fingers in the process! 

Lucca: *Falls out of her seat while laughing like an idiot*

>And over there! See that policeman jumping up and down?

Rini (Kayin): He thinks he's Robbit from Jumping Flash!
Lucca: *giggle* Shameless game plug #2!  *chortle*

>Eiji: Oh, you mean the one that's on fire?

Jack (Beavis): FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRE!!

>Kayin: Yes, that one! They are normality! We are scum! BUT, we are the 
>kind of scum that floats right to the very top of the bathtub!

Ramza: I take it they aren't much for housecleaning.

>Eiji: Hey, it's easy for you to classify us, but I am a man of varied 
>tastes!

>Kayin: What, sex and booze?

>Eiji: Exactly! 

Rini: *sigh* *Mumbles* typical man...
Rudy and Ramza: I heard that!

>What about you and Sofia?

Lucca (Kayin): She's icky; I like you better- *Gets smacked with the 
Iron Fan*

>Kayin: Shut it, Eiji.

>Eiji: Oh yeah, how did you ever start a relationship with her? Did you 
>tie her up in chains and drag her to the bed?

Rudy: Ooo, kinky- *SMACK!* OW!

>(Looks sharply at Eiji, aghast.)

>Kayin: Were you watching, you pervert???

Jack (Eiji): Dude, it was in "Mating Habits of OOC Characters" on late 
night PBS! 

>(A letter mysteriously appears in their hands.)

Rini: Looks like someone stole an Instant Plot Device (TM).  Dammit, 
why do those (TM)s always have to show up whenever someone say 
Instant Plot Device (TM).
Lucca: It's a running gag.
Rini: Another one?  

>Kayin: Oh my god! An invitation to the ternament!

>Eiji: Don't you mean 'tournament'?

>Kayin: Ever heard my voice in Toshinden Remix? I say, to the ternament!

>(They all disappear in puffs of smoke. 

Rudy (Smoke): Why can't people just leave me alone?  Just because I'm
in Mortal Kombat doesn't mean people can just violate my privacy all
the time!  All the other ninjas don't get this much attention!
Jack: *Goes off on a tangent* What about me?  What about Raven?
Rudy: I'd say something, but it wouldn't do any good...

>Ellis screws her slightly burnt head back on and joins them.)

Jack: But that's impossible!
Ramza: Smile and nod...

>(We are now at the Battle Arena Toshinden. Tempest and Eiji's father are 
>looking over the charade below, 

Lucca: Ugh, I hate charades.
Ramza (Tempest): Is it "The Cat in the Hat"?

>commentating on events.)

Rini (E.D.): This sucks.
Rudy (Tempest): Quiet!  We need the money!

>E.D: Aha! This promises to be a close run match!

>Tempest: Who's up?

Rudy: Nah, too easy.

>E.D: Ellis and 

Jack (E.D.): -Skippy the Hyperintelligent Pipe Mold!
Rudy: Jack, why... oh, never mind.  I wouldn't get a straight 
answer anyway.

>Rungo! 

>Tempest: (Snorts) Yeah, right. Like a kid is going to stand up to Mr. 
>Man-Mountain himself.

Lucca: Sure she can!  She's super cheap in the game!
Rudy: Fangirl.
Lucca: So?  You're a fanboy!
Jack: She got ya there, kid.
Rudy: Oh, shut up.

>E.D: Aha, my impetuous friend! What you fail to realise is that Ellis has 
>great speed and the power of youth on her side, whereas Rungo shall be 
>filled with doubts as to fighting a kid, as you put it. 

Lucca: He has no problem with it in the game...

>Also, Rungo must get in one strong smash to cause sufficient damage, and 
>yet Ellis can slice him up slowly. 

Ramza (Martha Stewart): -into this festive centerpiece everyone will 
love!

>This, as I said, shall be hard fought for.

>Referee: Okay, people! I want a good, dirty fight. Enjoy!

Jack (Referee): -these frosty beverages!
Rudy (Food dispenser): Share and enjoy.  ^_^
Rini: Ooo, a Hitchhiker's ref.  Slightly obscure, kiddo.

>E.D: Now we shall see. Ellis shall rip him apart!

>(With one swing of his granite mace, Rungo blats Ellis off the side of the 
>head. She sails into the distant mountain range, where an audible 'crunch'

Rini: That little cartoon guy's in the chocolate again!
 
>can be heard as she crashes head-first into the rock, dying again.)

Rudy: Kenny _is_ Ellis _in_ "Toshinden Rage"!

>E.D: ............................. 

Rudy: Totally, dude.
Rini: Well?
Rudy: If I repeat it, the censor will come on.
Rini: Oh.

>Then again, I could have been wrong. Ahem.

>Tempest: Oh my God! They killed Ellis! You bastards!

Jack: Hey, leave that joke for us!

>E.D: (Laughing) That was rather good, actually.

Rudy (Tempest): Really?
Lucca (E.D.): No, not really.  

>Tempest: (Modestly) Thank you. Don't mention it.

Ramza: Don't worry; we won't.  

>Gaia: (To Rungo) You Klingon bastard! You killed my son!

Jack: Klingon?
Rudy: Don't tell me this is a Star Trek crossover now.
Lucca: Just pray Marissa Picard doesn't come into play.
All: *shudder*

>Rungo: Errr... it was your daughter. You don't have a son.

>Gaia: Oh no? Then what do you call... (Pulls out a fish from his 
>underpants) THIS?

Rini: I do _NOT_ wanna know what that was in his pants!
Rudy (Gaia): I was supposed to put it in my _ear_?  How silly of me!

>Rungo: Oh my god!!!!!!! 

Lucca (Rungo): The exclaimation points are attacking!

>You do have a son! A son that is so severely deformed that he looks 
>the living embodiment of a fish, but a son nonetheless!

>Gaia: Aha! And that's where I had you fooled, you see, because it's 
>not my son, it's a fish!

Ramza (Gaia): A Goldeen, in fact!
Rini (Goldeen): GOLDEEN!  *Mimics Horn Attack* 

>Tempest: (Flicking the V's from heaven) 

Jack: Sailor V's?
Everyone else: *groan*

>Yeah! Right on! You had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?

>E.D: Have you been watching the Young Ones again?

Rini (Tempest): *Sarcastically* No, I've been watching "Pokemon".
Ramza: Is it over yet?
Rini: Yep; let's go!  *All leave*

*Reverse door sequence*

[SOL]
Rini: That was... weird.
Jack: You said it.
Rudy: The grammar and spelling was good for the most part, but everyone 
was wildly OOC.
Lucca: Except for Hanpan.
Hanpan: I take offense from that remark.
Jack: Hey, the Power Rangers are calling.  *Presses the button*

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: So, how was it?

[SOL]
All: Bad.

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: How nice.  The next one I'll send you will be even worse!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AHA, AHA!

[SOL]
Rini: You're going to send another Rage?!

[E.C.]
Mala-chan: Oh, nononononono, not until the rest of the ones I sent you 
come in.  I'm going to send something _far_ more sinister.  B-ko, have 
you aquired the fic yet?
B-ko: I will have it soon, but I gotta look for C-ko first.
Cecilia: *Hiding; thinks* Why me?
Mala-chan: Well, until next time, my little chickadees!  *The screen 
goes black*

[SOL]
Rudy: *Deadpan* Oh joy.
Jack: What can be worse than the ones we got today?
Lucca: You don't wanna know, but you're probably going to find out 
sooner or later...  Ah well, gotta work on a new invention!  *Exits*
Jack: How bad can fanfiction get?
Rudy: Very, very bad, Jack; very, very, _very_ bad.
Jack: Oh bugger.
Ramza: Now what?
Rini: I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna go play "Parappa
the Rapper".
Rudy: Wait a minute; there are _video games_ here?
Rini: Well, duh!  I thought you knew that.
Rudy: Well, I didn't.
Rini: Too bad you won't get to play any of them.
Rudy: Why's that?
Rini: 'Cause _I'm_ gonna get there first!  *Runs off*
Rudy: Like hell you will!  *Runs after her*
Jack: *Holds his head* Teenagers, oy... 
*Fade to black*
*Roll credits*
---------------------------------------------------

	THE REAL END

	Email comments to me at: Lessa990@aohell.com...
	I mean: Lessa990@aol.com  (Sorry, Freudian slip...)  


>(Kayin falls over, laughing uproariously at the prospect of Sofia 
>being pulled onto her face by the laws of gravity, moments before 
>the backlash catapults her to the moon. 


Season numero uno:
------------------
Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest"
Episode 102: Raging Double Feature