"KUSANAGIIIIIIIIII!!" -Momiji Fujimiya in nearly every episode of "Blue Seed" Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision and Contrail. Suikoden 2 is copyrighted by Konami. Digimon is copyrighted by Toei Animation, Bandai, and Satan... Er, I mean _Saban_. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; "Killey" is still owned by Alexander Adkins. No offense or bad stuff was intended with this MSTing. No DigiDestined children were harmed in the production of this MSTing. However, one smart-ass teenager and one _really_ girly-looking main character were, so there. Neener, neener, nee~... *Notices Ramza charging up a spell and Rudy loading an ARM* Er, never mind. Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff) I have played Rhapsody. It is good, albeit too damn short. Marjoly and Etolie are cool, dammit. One thing bothers me, tho'... How the hell did the Bobo Fish live out of the water, anyway?! Eh, it's not important tho'... With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ------------------------------------ (Singer) In the not too distant future, (Methinks it was next Thursday) A bunch of poor suckers Have some hell to pay! A group of evil people, led by Mala-chan, They were bored one day, so they dreamed up a plan. They choose some people they didn't like, Then they sent those poor victims into space and- *B-ko cackles* (Mala-chan) We'll send them crappy fanfics, As many as we can find! (Lalala!) (Marle) They'll have to sit and read them all! (Xelloss) And they'll slowly lose their minds! ^_^ (Lalala!) (Singer) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end. (Lalala!) To try to keep their sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Yamato! (Just call me "Matt".) Joe! (No! Not another fic!) Rudy! (What the hell?) Lucca! (I got a bad feeling about this...) Jaaaaaaaaaack! (You too?) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science fact, Just think to yourself, "It's just a file, I should really just relax, For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever' *Twang!* [The SOL (Not the Satellite of Love, tho')] *With a big poof of pink smoke, Matt, Joe, Tai, and Kari wind up on the bridge, startling the hoo-ha out of Rini, who was working on something* Rini: GAH! *Drops rope in hand. A large weight falls down right behind Joe. Joe, startled and a bit scared, jumps surprisingly high* Joe: What the heck was that about?! Rini: Eheh, sorry 'bout that, kiddo. I was working on a "surprise" for a certain stupid strategist so I could get someone else back. So, you must be the DigiDestined. The boss said you were coming. She also said she's working on getting an outside source to return you guys back to where you came from. Tai: Outside source? Why does she need that if she was able to get us to the Xeno world and here? Rini: *shrug* I'm not sure, but I think she said something about her equipment not working right since she sent you to Citan's house. *A bell rings loudly off-screen* Ooo! Looks like I got him this time! I'll be back! *Runs off. The yellow button flashes* Kari: Hmm? What's this do? *Reaches out to the button* Joe: No, don't! We don't know- *Kari pushes the button* ------------------------------------------------------------ Announcer: Coming Summer some year! It's Judge Gaav and Baliff Val as you've never seen them before: 10 inches tall! Val: Uh, Gaav-sama? Could you tell me again why exactly we're hiding in Gourry's pants? Gaav: It's because the author's a #&*@)#& twit, that's why. Announcer: "Organized Chaos!" Productions, in cooperation with FSP, presents a 10 O' Clock film, "Honey, I Shrunk the Mazoku Judge!" Not coming soon to any theater near you! ----------------------------------------------------------- All: ........................... Matt: What the heck was that? Tai: Looked like a movie trailer to me. Matt: That's not what I meant, Tai. -_-;; Kari: I wonder what other commercials it'll bring up... *Reaches for the button again, but the red button starts flashing* Oh, I should push this one now? *Pushes the red button* [Evil Central] *Marle stands before the console* Marle: Oh, are you the kids I'm supposed to send home? Too bad it's gonna take me a while to get things ready for you. Say, would you go get the others and bring them to the bridge for me? It's time for the Invention Exchange, ya know! ^_^ [SOL] Tai: Uh... sure, I guess we could. C'mon, Kari, I think that weird lady went this way. *Tai and Kari exit the same direction Rini did earlier* Joe: What do you mean, "it's gonna take a while"? [E.C.] Marle: Well, getting dimensional coordinates isn't exactly an easy task, ya know! ^^;; *Mala-chan enters, followed shortly by B-ko. The latter is holding a big box* Mala-chan: So, my little... Huh? What are those children doing on board? Get rid of them immediately! Marle: Already underway, Mala! ^_^ [SOL] *Lucca enters from the opposite direction the others left. Following behind her are Rudy and Jack, who are carrying what seem to be an large, incredibly heavy device covered by a sheet. The two men set it in on the counter, obscuring everyone but Lucca, who goes around to the other side, from sight* Lucca: It's time for the Invention Exchange, right? Well, have I got one heck of an invention! *Removes sheet to reveal something that looks like it's out of a bad sci-fi movie* I call it the "Mega Awesome Grandiose Mediocre Distortion Device!" [E.C.] Marle: The _what_? Mala-chan: *Arches an eyebrow* What does it do? [SOL] Lucca: It warps the fabric of time-space, allowing impossible event to become possible! Of course, I haven't tested it much... Voice: It does WHAT?! So that's why... Lucca: "That's why" what? Voice: Never mind, just get rid of it before something bad happens! *Clunking noises are heard over the P.A.* Lucca: No way! It took me three nights to finish this! In the name of science, I cannot allow it to be destroyed! [E.C.] B-ko: *ahem!* You mind discussing that later? I still have my invention to show off. *Silence ensues* Good. *Takes out a seemingly normal stick* This is the Marle Silencer 2000. Watch how it works. *Turns to Marle* Hey, Marle, tell me all about fluffy kitty cats. Marle: Oh, wow, fluffy kitty cats! Well, they're- *B-ko whacks Marle in the head with the stick. Marle's mouth still moves, but no sound comes out* B-ko: Effective, no? ^_^ [SOL] Lucca: Say, when we get back home, can I buy that off you? Please? [E.C.] Mala-chan: Ah, but you're never _getting_ home, Lucca. Now, your fanfic for today is the next part of Killey. Enjoy... *Presses send button* [SOL] *Lights flash and klaxons go off* Joe: W-what's going on?! What is this?! Lucca: I'll explain in better detail later, but for now, WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Joe Chin! He rambles on endlessly about his casinos and home shooping network. You get bored after a while and move on. Door 4: It's... It's... It's a simple wooden door. You walk thourgh it with no problems. Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's Raftina, Guardian of Love. You respect its authoritah and move on. Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating (L-R): Joe, Matt, Rudy, Lucca, and Jack* Matt: Uh... This isn't one of _those_ fanfics, is it? Rudy: Huh? I'm not sure what you mean, but if you wanna know what this is about, it's a chapter from a Suikoden II RPG someone sent Chibi. Matt: Oh, good. ^^;; Rudy: *Thinks* Weird kid... >Killey >Chapter 2: The memory remains Joe: Unfortunately, they're all about some guy named "Cooleo" who really likes toilet paper... Matt: *Thinks* "Cooleo"?! Oh no... Please, don't let him relapse... O.o;; >Location: deep underground Jack: Without warning, Killey finds himself in Deep 13. > > >The wind was whistling past his ears as Killey plunged >down the seemingly bottomless pit. Rudy: Funny, I'dve figured it'd go _through_ his ears. *Several loud "WHAM!"s and muted swearing can be heard over the P.A.* >The sides of the >pit zipped passed his head mere inches away from it. Matt: Then the gap closed in on him and he went splat, the end. Joe: Clean-up on aisle seven, please! >Killey scrambled as best as he could to move away from >the wall. All: *Vaguely British* Run away! Run away! >‘I would rather go out with a mighty splat >than be smeared across the walls.’ He thought. Lucca: Get the signs ready for when that happens, everyone! ^_^ >Eventually he made it nearer to the center of the pit. Rudy: Which was away from any random tree roots and such for him to grab onto. Moron. *Rattling and unearthly noises are now heard over the P.A.* >‘Ok, I have been falling for some time, so when is >this thing about my life flashes before my eyes going >to happen?’ he pondered. Joe (Killey): Ah, here it goes... GAAAAAH! This was the time I saw my parents doing "it"! O.o;; Matt: Joe, please don't start that stuff again... -_-;; Lucca: Why not? I think it's amusing. ^^ >(Well I guess that the replay >is true, it won’t happen to you just yet) Jack: Look! Said the Cheshire Sindar's back! Joe and Matt: Who is...? Rudy: Don't ask. It's just a stupid joke from the last part. >‘Back in my >head again?’ Rudy (Said): (Well, there's plenty of room.) *Muted female voices are heard* Just what's goin' on there, Chibi? Voice: Er, nothing you have to worry about... (yet.) >(Of course. But hold onto your pants, Lucca: That's... a _really_ inappropriate time for that, Said. >this ride is not over yet.) ‘What?’ All: HE SAID, "THIS RIDE IS NOT OVER YET!" >Killey started hitting stand after strand of sticky >threads. Lucca: Didn't you listen? I said that was a really inappropriate time for that, stupid! *More odd noises are heard over the P.A.* >As he fell, the strands began to become >stronger and thicker. They were slowly attaching >themselves to him and slowing his fall. “Gag! Cough! Joe: Sigh! Yawn! Lucca: Giggle! Snicker! Jack: Biff! Bam! Pow! Rudy and Matt: Whatever... -_-;; >What the hell is this!” Killey said in surprise. >Eventually he stopped falling completely due to the >stands catching him. Jack: Suikomon! Gotta catch 'em all! ^_^ >When the adrenaline flow out of >his head he realized what really stopped his fall. Lucca (Cartman as Killey): Ice cream? The hell? >“Spider webs? Matt: o/~ So leave a message and I'll call you back... o/~ >These are spider webs! Jack: o/~ Spider Man, Spider Man,/ Doin' the things that a spider can... o/~ *Humming can be heard over the P.A.* >If there are webs >here then…” Killey looked around and saw something HUGE Joe (What Killey saw): I'm HUGE! All else: *sweatdrop* .................... >move in the darkness underneath a ledge. “What on earth >could have made them? There can’t be spiders this big >that could make this, is there?” Rudy: Well, there are now, Killey. >Then he heard >something that sounded like iron plates scraping against >each other. He turned to look at what was making that >noise. Matt: Some guy with a silly sound effects key chain then emerged from the darkness and said "Ha ha! I had ya going, didn't I?" >“SSSSEEEEEEERRRRKKK!!!!!” *This sound is also heard over the P.A.* Jack: Look! It's Yoko Ono! >From out of the darkness emerged a spider the size of a >small house. Matt: And we're suddenly reading "James and the Giant Peach". _Groovy_. >“GA!!!” Killey struggled to get his sword >freed to cut himself out of the web before that monstrous >spider got to him. Matt: He failed and the spider ate him, the end. Rudy: Rini's gonna get you for stealing her bit, you know. Voice: *Muttering* (If you all survive through the machine malfunction, that is...) >This was the spider’s ground and it >was moving like the wind. Jack (Spider): I am the Silent Wind of Doom, WHOOOSH! >By the time Killey freed his >upper body and his bags (which dropped down into the >darkness) Rudy (Killey): Dammit, there went my Hustler collection! Joe: What's "Hustler"? Lucca: Never mind, kid. >the spider grabbed him and pulled it close to >it’s mouth. Jack (Spider): GET IN MAH BELLAY! Matt (Spider): Mmm, another adventurer! I love their soft, chewy centers! ^_^ *Joe moves a seat to the left as Rudy tries to inch away from Matt* >“Oh no you don’t! I just got away from a >snake and I’m not going to be your dinner!” Lucca: Of course you're not. It's only 11 in the morning. You'd be its _breakfast_, silly. >And with that, >Killey swung his sword as hard as he possibly could at >the spider and it went deep into its right eye. Rudy: Er... no? Swinging doesn't _quite_ work that way... *A "KER-PLUNK!" sound can be heard* >Orange goo >poured out of it’s wound. Matt: Fresh-squeezed spider juice, anyone? >Killey was just inches from being >stabbed by its javelin-sized fangs when it dropped him. Joe (Killey): I'm saved! *Pause* Oh crap, I'm FAAAALLIINNG AAAAAAAgaaaii... Matt: SPLAT! >The >spider’s screeching filled the pit. Killey just closed his >eyes as he expected to hit the bottom. Jack (Killey): Imustnotfearfearisthemindkillerfearisthe littledeaththatbringstotaloblivion... >When he hit the bottom, and it was indeed a hard bottom, Lucca: *Lewdly giggles* ^^ >but Stangely, Killey Jack: The state Commented Crono lives in. >went thought the ‘floor’. *All hold up signs (from L-R): "T.P!", 0.0, 2.0, 3.5, and the tried-but-true "Freebird!"* >He realized >that the bottom of the pit was a lake of cold water. Rudy: He then turned into Killey-chan. Lucca: Again? >The >impact stunned him but he quickly recovered and swam to the >surface. “GASP! Joe (Old-time movie trailer): At the syntax errors! Matt (ditto): YAWN! At the sheer bad luck of the "intrepid" hero! Lucca (ditto): CHEER! When we finally see Flik of the Blue Lightning wearing nothing but his bandanna and a smile! *All look at her. Normally...* A girl can dream, can't she? *A loud explosion is heard over the P.A.* Voice: Don't worry! We're all OK here! Really! *cough*cough* >(He looked around him) Jack: "Killey" part three! Now in ParentheVision! ^_^ >A lake? Figures. I >got to find the shore…” He started to swim strait ahead. Joe: *Confused* He did _what_? Now that's an... odd talent. How _does_ one swim like a small body of water anyway? >The >lake became shallow after two Olympic sized pools length of >swimming. Jack: o/~ They call him Killey, Killey/ Faster than lightning... o/~ Matt: So he's trying to say that an already pretty tired man- Rudy: -who had just recovered from a really bad incident, by the way. Matt: OK, a man who's not in the best condition he could be in could manage to swim that far. _Riiiiiiiiight_. >He finally dragged him self to the shore and >collapsed. Matt: He then fell into a coma and never recovered, the end. Rudy: And the peasants rejoiced. >“Huff, huff, what a day. (He looked to the left >and to the right) Joe (Instructor Mooselini): o/~ Did you check the toilets on the left?/ Did you check the toilets on the right? o/~ *zuozuo*zuozuo*zuo* That sound cannot be good... >Ok, what’s next? Who is going to try to >kill me this time?” *All raise their hands. Many strange noises and yelling is heard over the P.A. speakers* Voice: Gah! It... *CRASH!* zapping... *Zuozuozuozuozuo* dimensional... breaking! *BOOM!*tinkle* Evacuate... ly! Get... here! *static* Rudy: Uh, perhaps we should get going... *All exit* *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *The noises have only gotten louder since the evacuation of the theater. All aboard the satellite have assembled on the bridge* Familiar female voice: *Over the P.A.* Hello? Anyone there? Rudy, Jack, and Hanpan: Professor Emma?! Emma's voice: Yeah, I got this job working for this author person; said she needed technical expertise. Anyway, it's good that you all left as soon as you heard the noise; it seems that a mechanical misfunction has created various rips between dimensions and the theater has just become a portal to who-_knows_-where! *As she speaks a portal slowly appears under Tai, Kari, Joe and Matt* Joe: *Looks down* This cannot be good- *Him, Tai, Kari, and Matt fall though the portal* Voice: No, that _is_ good, Joe. It's the portal back to where I got you from. *A increasingly-bright light begins to fill the bridge* This, however... I don't think _this_ is covered in the manual... RUN! RUN AWAY! NOW! I don't know what it's gonna do! *Too late. The light has gotten to the point that only white can be seen... The light vanishes in a flash (no duh, right?) only to show there is no one one the bridge. Suddenly, several sparkles appear. Two fly off to other locations in the SOL, one leaves the satellite entirely, and the others stay on the bridge and transform into...* Jack: Whoo, that was one weird trip! Rudy: Hey, wasn't that rather like the Elw Pyramids back home, Jack? Jack: Now that you mention it, it was... Lucca: Can I go again? That was freakin' COOL! ^_^ Rini: Eh, been there, done that... *The final sparkle remins a sparkle for a little longer, then transforms into...* Holy Mother of Nisan... Ramza? Is that you?! O_o; Ramza: *Looks around* I'm back already? She swore it'd be a few more episodes until my return! Rini: Ramza... *Glomps Ramza* RamzaRamzaRamzaRamzaRamza RamzaRamzaRamzaRamzaRAMZA~! ^__^ Ramza: Nice... to see you too... Please... loosen grip... Can't breathe... Rini: ... oh, eheh, sorry. ^^;;; *Lets go* Anyway, it's nice to have you back... *Lights flash and klaxons go off* Voice: Well, the dimesional tears seem to have closed up for now, so I guess it's Fanfic Sign for you guys! Rudy: Great... -_-;; *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Joe Chin again! This time, he's trying to get you to buy a gigantic lap-top computer. You quickly brush him off and move on. Door 4: It's... It's... It's still a simple wooden door. You walk thourgh it with no problems. Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's Justine, Guardian of Courage. You respect its authoritah and move on. Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating (L-R): Ramza, Rini, Rudy, Lucca, and Jack* Ramza: So, what're we reading now? Rudy; More of that Killey thing. Ramza: *Looks very relieved* Oh, good. _She_ *Points to the P.A. speaker* said I'd come back for the next "FFVII: TUS" installment. >A nerve grating dying screech echoed though the cavern. Rudy: They finally killed Pauly Shore and Fran Drescher in one fell swoop. Jack: Hey! Some of Pauly Shore's movies are OK! Rudy: Sure, Jack, we believe you... *Rolls his eyes* >Killey looked back upward to the hole in the ceiling. Lucca (Killey): Somebody's _really_ gotta fix that... >Twanging of steel cable like webs sounded though the grotto. >“What the hell?” The Spider plunged down from the hole and >landed in the lake upside down. *All hold up signs reading (L-R): 10, 9.5, 5.0, 7.0, and "11!"* >“Ha! Scratch one (A wave hit >Killey, knocking him off his feet) spider…” Rini (Nelson): Ha ha! >He just laid >there on his back looking up to the rocky ceiling. Rudy: One "Bullwinkle Show" comment and I will be very displeased, _Jack_. Jack: Hmm? I was thinking of a Slyvester Stalone comment myself. >“This >just my luck. I’m stuck somewhere in this mountain. I lost >my sword. (He looks over the lake and watches the dead >spider sink completely into the depths of the lake.) Rini (Killey): I lost my pet spider. Rudy (Killey): I lost my mind. >I lost >my bags. (A wave just washed them on the shore a few feet >away) Ramza: Convienient? You bet! Rini: Contrieved? You bet as well! >Um, and I lost my hat too. (It flutters down and lands >on his face.) Ramza: Unfortunately, the spider's child was riding in it and boy, was it mad. >“Ok, two out of three isn’t all that bad.” >Killey looked around the cavern, much to his suprise this >cavern seemed to have been dug out instead of naturally >formed. Lucca: Tim must've _really_ been trying hard to find a Heal Berry, eh? >Down the shore line, to the right of Killey was a >passageway. Jack: And there was a sign reading, "This way to beautiful Hell! Now with air condtioning, cable, and an International House of Pancakes!" >After picking up his bags and putting his hat >back on, he trudged to the entrance of the passageway. Ramza: Only to have everything cave in on him. The end. >The >sides of the passageway were well taken care of. Instead of >torches lighting the way, there were these strange glowing >orbs along the walls. Rini: First he's in Filgaia, now he's in Pern... What's next, Expel? >They were also connected by a metal >wire. “This is strange. I have never seen lighting like >this before. Rudy (Killey): Well, except for the time those aliens abducted me, that is. Lucca (Killey): They were surprisingly gentle... >No smoke and not nearly as much heat are >generated by these things as a torch would. I guess the >Sindar really are advanced.” Lucca: Hmph, I could do better than that. >The tunnel curved and shifted >left and right, up and down over the next several minuets Jack: Funny place to start dancing... >worth of walking. Killey soon found a side room from this >passageway. What he saw inside the room left him >dumbfounded. Ramza: Dycedarg dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter? Rini: Rabid Chu-Chus maiming a ferret? Rudy: One of Chibi's stupid contrievences? *shish-THOOM!* ow... Lucca: Sergei and Kamandohl making out? Jack: Kaba-san the Happy Hippo? >“AH, YOU IDEIOT! Hanpan: You were all wrong; it's Ren and Stimpy that he saw. >HE WAS INSIDE THE LINE! THAT TOUCHDOWN WAS >GOOD!” All: *sweatdrop* ...................... -_-;; >The room looked like the inside of a well-furnished >living room. Except there where many things placed in the >room that Killey couldn’t identify. Rini: Including. Frangmented sentences. Ramza: Well, it's nice to see some things stay the same after being away for a while... >Large and small ideas >placed all over the room, but the one thing that got his >attention was the hooded Sindar that he met before sitting >in the middle of the room. Lucca (Killey): Damn, he's hot! Rudy: *sigh* Lucca... Lucca: What? Ya jealous? ^_^ Rudy: *Blushes furiously* N-no! Why would you think that?! >He was in an over stuffed chair >with a can of some sort of drink in his right hand. Jack (Said): Red Bull gives me wings, man! That, and these funny mushrooms I found in the corner over there... ^_^ >It had >some words on it; ‘Budweiser’ was all he could read from it. >The mysterious Sindar was yelling at a box that was sitting >on a table. Ramza: It was Pandora's box, and he had riled up the spirits inside to the point where they were about to burst out and kill him... >It had strange pictures on it and they were >always moving. >The Sindar noticed Killey standing at the doorway. Rini (Said): All right, who the hell let a _human_ in here?! >“Oops, >you’re here, good.” He stood up and walked over to a rather >large white rectangle device. Rini: Where'd he find a Dreamcast in that world?! >“Well, I presume you are >ready for the mental test now.” “What mental test?” Rudy: "What mental ability?" >a >confused Killey said. The hooded Sindar walked over to one >of the strange devices. Lucca: ... don't ya just know it? I have a huge opening here and I can't think of a single thing to say! *Rudy snickers a little* Oh, shut _up_, scaredy cat. Rudy: "Scaredy cat"? Me?! _Excuse_ me?! Lucca: Yes, _you_, my darling little socialphobe. And you're not excused. >It was large, white, rectangle. It >was as big as a man and it seemed to have two doors on it. Jack: The prototype for the Port-A-Potty, everyone! >“Excuse me, let me put this away and turn off the TV.” He >walked over to the large device, opened the lower door, and >put the can in. Jack: ... or maybe not. >“Well then, shall we start?” He pointed a >small wand like device at the TV and the pictures on it went >away. Ramza (Said): Well, no time to ogle Dan Marino... Sad, really. >“What kind of mental test? Why on earth do I have to go >through more test?” Rini: Because Tenchi's not stupid enough to let Washuu do her testing on him, but you are, that's why. >“Well, its very complicated. But I know >a lot about you Killey, but I don’t know everything yet.” Rudy: _Please_ tell me that's _not_ a come-on. O.o;; Lucca: This is one time I'll agree with that statement... >The Sindar led Killey lead back out of the room and back down >the Main passageway. Rini: Not the main passageway, mind you, but the _Main_ passageway. It's special. >“I still need to make some more tests >before I can truly help you. Ramza (Said): -out of your pants. Rudy: DUDE! That is _not_ cool! Lucca: Yeah! That Sindar guy's not exactly good looking, ya know! Ramza: Neither's Cid Highwind, but they write about him... Lucca: Oh, right. Point taken. Cid's voice: Aw, you #*&@!() wouldn't know handsome if it bit ya on the #@). >Besides, I really want to know >why you are doing all of this.” Killey looked back to the >room and it had vanished. Rini (Said): Cool trick, eh? ^^ >“Um, I guess your name isn’t Sindar. So what can I call you? >You do have names, right?” Rudy: Just call 'im "Said"; that's what we do. >“My name, along with our language is too difficult for you >humans to pronounce. Rudy (Said): Sindar rule; humans ssssuck it! Jack: *sweatdrop* Remind me not to let him watch "The Upright Citizens Brigade" again, Hanpan... -_-;; >So just call me Zohar, Lucca: He's on the _XENOGEARS_ world now?! O.o;; Ramza: Cool, then maybe Siebzehn will appear and blow up Killey. >all right. And >here we are.” Lucca (Sai... er, Zohar): This is North City. You can get a Synard here. >The passageway came to a dead end at a smooth steel metal >wall. “Only we of the Sindar can open this door. Rudy: Them and smartass puppets, that is. Voice: Is that an insult to Kururu, Roughnight?! >(Zohar >placed his palms on the metal surface and the wall rippled >like water) Rudy: ... I refuse to make another "Killey-chan" comment. Rini: Good, 'cause I would have to smack you if you did. >You wouldn’t believe how many explorers were >stopped dead in their tracks right here.” Ramza (Random explorer): Ack! A dead end! Oh, my heart! *Falls out of his seat and stays still for a few moments. Everyone sweatdrops at this* >The wall cracked >evenly and the doors slid smoothly into the walls. “Here we >are, step right in.” Jack (Zohar): Step right up, ladies, gentlemen, and children of all ages! See the nifty-keen Sindar artifacts such as the lips of a motherless three-legged goat and a piece of fudge shaped like the Guardian of Courage! >The room beyond was really just a massive black pit with a >long walkway stretching over to a large pillar rising up >from the depths. Lucca: And waiting on that pillar was Caina and he wasn't in a good mood. >There was a podium-sized obelisk in the >middle of the pillar. Jack: Uh... what's an obelisk, Hanpan? Hanpan: *sigh* I'll tell you later, OK? >“Just place your hands on the obelisk >and close your eyes.” Zohar said. Killey walked over and did >just that. Rini (Killey; monotone): Your wish is my command, master Zohar... >He wasn’t expecting what happened next. Ramza: He suddenly turned into a huge wheel of cheese and a wandering monster ate him, the end. >‘What! What has happened to me! I can’t feel my body!’ >(Easy Killey, we are just taking a trip down memory lane, >your memories.) >‘Back in my head again?’ >(Of course. Now where did you exactly come from again?) Rudy (Killey): Well, when a man and a woman love one another... Lucca: *sigh* ............... Rudy: Huh? Something wrong, Lucca? Lucca: *Mutters* moron... >‘Well, I was born in the independent city of Vinton. Jack: -which was married to the city of Naomi and then moved in with the city of Thelma, then Bubba joined them... >But >it was soon taken over and absorbed into the bigger Faleena >Queendom. Rini and Lucca: *Onimously chanting* Girl Power, Girl Power, a curse on all _men_. Jack: *To Hanpan* I wish they wouldn't do that... >I was just a baby at the time so I don’t remember >that at all. Lucca: Ladies and gentlemen, a great moment in Liz and Ard logic. >My family was one of the few remainders of the >original Vinton culture where the men were in a noticeable >spot higher in social chain than the women in the family. Ramza: So... He's in Ivalice, then? *thwap!* Rini: Baka. It's the Xeno world he's in for now. >Just like I have seen every where else in this world. My >farther didn’t believe that men should be total slaves to >the women, even at sword point.’ Lucca (Killey): At the end of a leash, on the other hand... Luc's voice: THAT'S NOT FUNNY, DAMMIT! Sasarai's voice: Oh, but the dog collar looks good on you! ^_^ Rudy: I don't think I wanna know... -_-;; >(Interesting. What happened to your family when the Queendom >realized your family’s refusal to adapt to the new society?) >‘They sent in those damned Amazon storm troopers Rudy: The Empire recruited Shampoo and Cologne? Jack: No, no, the Amazons took over the _Empire_! How could you not figure _that_ out? *Rudy sweatdrops and mumbles something sounding similar to "moron"* >to my house >in the middle of the night. They captured us all in our beds. >They separated me from my Mom, Dad, Sky, and little Jenny.’ >(Now who are this Sky and Jenny?) Rini: A pokemon SI and a police officer with lots of people who look just like her. >‘They were, hopefully still are, my older and younger sister. >I was the middle child.’ >(I see. Go on, what happened to you then?) Ramza: Billy Lee Black took him in before the Solarian Amazons got him... Rudy: *Mutters* Just what we need, _another_ running gag... >‘They took me away from my folks. I never got to see them again. >I don’t even know if they are still alive. I don’t want to think >about that. I was forced to walk to the Faleena’s capitol. Jack: Huh? They'd have to be pretty damn cruel to make a _baby_ walk a long distance... >I was >sold into slavery. I was passed from Mistress to Mistress over >the years. Rudy: O.o;; Rini: *sweatdrop* I don't think I even want an _IDEA_ of what Rudy's thinking right now... >Most were indifferent to me; several were just abusive >to me. They made my life hell, I’m just glad I didn’t get any >permanent damage from them. Ramza: You mean _besides_ the lasting mental scars on your fragile psyche? >When I was just 14 years old, I was >finally bought by one of the Faleena generals. Rudy: Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to have a name. Jack: Can we call her "Says"? ^_^ Rudy: *Flatly* No. >For about a year >I was just a house boy for her, Lucca (Killey): -and occasionally, her boy toy... >but her job left her with little >time to be with her adoptive daughter. So I became her >daughter’s companion. This was the turning point in my life.’ Ramza (Killey): I killed the people in the house and buried them in the backyard, then made my grand escape! >(He, he… I see, so what was her name?) Rini: Tim! Ramza: Slim Shady! Lucca: Mariabell! Rudy: Emeraldas! Jack: Says Tifa! >‘Lorelai, her name was Lorelai. All: Oh. >She was different than all the >other mistresses I had before. Rudy (Killey): She was a hermaphrodite cat fetishist. Hanpan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DON'T SAY THAT!! >For one thing, she was younger >than I was. She was also very indifferent to me. Jack: We've secretly replaced Lorelai with Rei of Evangelion fame; let's see if anyone can tell the difference. >Most of the >time she just ignored me. But I didn’t ignore her right back, >although I was in some-what constant indigent mood about >having to take care of a kid. Lucca: In other words, he was a pissy version of Gremio. Rudy: Oh yeah, now _there's_ some possible mental images I didn't need... >.< >It was late one night when I found >her up in the attic of her home. Ramza (Killey): But I ran as soon as I realized what that ominous chanting and goat's blood was for... >I couldn’t find her all >afternoon, I found out why. Rudy (Killey): Her, Meg, and Jeanne were- *WHAM!* Rini: ... don't. Rudy: "Don't" what?! Don't assume what I'm going to say is going to be perverted, OK?! It's not right! >She was crying, she must have crying >for sometime. Rini (Lorelai): WHY?! Why did Fiore have to die?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! >I believe that she must have had an emotional >breakdown. Her adoptive mother was going out on another campaign >against another uprising in the outer territories. Lucca: -but the Ten Wise Men were crushing the amazons' heads, making them all flatheads. >She told me >how she saw her family die, in all the gory details. Ramza: *Mutters* At least it wasn't because of _her_ they died... >My heart >changed that moment. For the longest time, my heart was >hardened by all the pain I went though. Lucca (Killey): And also all the pain I went _through_. >But right then, I found >someone who had suffered even more. Her pain was intense, her >tears were real. I bet she felt that she was truly alone.’ Jack (Lorelai/Jay Sherman): I am Prometheus Lorelai, the last woman on earth. So alone! SO ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!! Rudy: ................. Jack: What? It's better than the Greta Garbo comment I coulda made. Rudy: Who's Greta Garbo? Jack: *sweatdrop* Never mind, all right? >(…..) Rudy: *Clearly offended* Hey! I don't even _have_ a mother, jerk! >‘Lorelai bolted for the window. Ramza (Lorelai): I can't take this fic anymore! ARGH! Rudy (Helen Hunt/Lorelai; hysterical): It doesn't hurt! See?! SEE?! It doesn't hurt! Rini: ... damn, that was really obscure, Roughnight. Rudy: I do my best. ^_^ >I was startled by what she did >but I ran after her as well, I caught her just before she went >though it. The fall would have killed her! Rini: The fall, she could suvive, seeing as building don't go much higher than three floors there. The broken glass, however, could cause serious infections or cut something important and cause her to bleed to death. >I held her as tightly >as I could and I told her over and over that I would be there for >her. Jack: When the rain starts to pour or 'cause you've been there before? >She didn’t say a word, but just held me tightly as well and >cried all night long. Needless to say I didn’t get any sleep >until she was asleep. I looked after Lorelai as a sister for so >long. Lucca: O.o;; Rudy: What? What's wrong? Lucca: He really _is_ starting to sound like Gremio... O.o;; >Time passed, and my feelings for her became something more >than even I realized.’ Lucca: O.O;;; Rudy: Now he sounds like a yaoi version of Gremio, right? *Lucca nods* >(She became your beloved didn’t she? But you where her slave >wasn’t you still?) Rudy (Killey): You... could say that. *whistles innocently* >‘Yes, I could not openly admit or even pursue her. Lorelai was >my forbidden fruit. Ramza: So he tried to take bites out of her on a regular basis. ^.^ *thwap!* Rini: Don't be weird boy. That's Jack's job. >The worse part was that she didn’t see me >the same way as I saw her. I stayed loyal to her for an eternity >as I could care. Ramza: Er... "Let's make like sheep and get the flock outta here"? Lucca: I think Killey's been taking speech lessons from Liz. Ramza: Either that or Daravon. >You see, men over there couldn’t chase women, but >woman could very well chase men. Jack: Now _why_ does that situation sound familiar...? *Looks pointedly at Lucca and Rudy* >I had other women went after me, Ramza: "This guy are sick"? Lucca: A winner is you, Killey! >some forcibly tried to take me away. Rini (Random Amazon #1): He's _my_ sex slave! *Tugs on Rudy's arm* Lucca (Random Amazon #2): No way! He's MINE, bitch! *Tugs on Rudy's other arm* Rudy (Killey; narrating): I don't know _why_ I thought it was a bad thing, but... >But I would have none of that, >and neither did she. He, he, she always beat the crud out of the >girl who was tried to take me away. Ramza (Lorelai): You DARE take away the great Lorelai's personal boy toy? WA-TAK! Rini: You do that entirely too well, Ramza. -_-;; >She said it was ‘just to >protect her assets’. Lorelai was the only one for me. >(She completely surprised you one day didn’t she?) Rudy (Killey): Yeah. I never knew she was that flexable... *thwap!* *Normally* Hey! It wasn't _that_ bad! Rini: I know. I just felt like hitting you. >‘Yes, early one morning some ten years ago, a pack of women >bust into my room were I was sleeping. They grabbed me and >carried me out of the house and into the woods nearby. Jack: They said he was the Kushinada and they sacrificed him to stop the Aragami, the end. Ramza: *Annoyed* Hey! Jack: Sorry, but I just _had_ to say that. It won't happen again. >I was >totally confused at that point. Rudy: And the difference from your normal state _is_...? >Where they stopped was some >clearing deep in the woods. I saw the clearing was filled with >women from the city that both Lorelai and I knew. Lucca (Random woman): Sorry, but we have to sacrifice a virgin to our volcano god. Rudy (Killey): You just _had_ to tell everybody, didn't you, Lorelai? >Some of them >were in high levels of the social groups in town. All of them were >wearing simple clothing (and some of them were rather revealing >too) and body paints! Jack: In other words, they looked like extras from "Xena: Warrior Princess". >It was just like something from the history >books I read about the early history of the Faleena Queendom, >right from the primitive age!’ Jack: *To the "Flintstones" theme* o/~ Amazons!/ Meet the Amazons!/ They're a modern Faleena Matriachy! o/~ >(That looked like it was a bad omen Killey.) Rini: Oh, you _think_, Said? Jack: It's Zohar now. Rini: Whatever. >‘I had to admit yes. Then I saw Lorelai. My jaw hit the floor! All: TOGG!! >She was wearing a modified form of one of her bikini she just >bought a few days ago. She also had ornate looking body paints >and other ornaments too. Rudy: And he said this was a bad omen... O_O-<3 Ramza: Killey, you ignorant slut. "Bad omen", my ass. O_O-<3 Jack: This reminds me of this one time Elmina... er, never mind. >Bottom line of this is that she looked >radiant! She walked up to me and told me everything. Rini (Lorelai; rambling): ... and that was the end of the Paleozoic era... Ramza (Killey): Kill me. Kill me NOOOOOOOOOOOW!! >She knew >for some time that I loved her, and she in turn loved me as well. >All this that was happening to me was because she wanted to marry >me, in the old style.’ Lucca: Which, of course, involved stripping him naked, writing "Whipped Boy" in blue paint across his chest, and singing the "Hokey Pokey" right before the public copulation. *Rudy moves to the seat directly behind the one he was just in* Did I say something wrong? Jack: You know what? That was more surreal and insane than anything I've come up with yet. I'm jealous. *Sulks a little* >(Oh boy, THAT must have been a shock!) >‘Damn right! They where tying me down spread eagle style and >striping me down to my shorts *All look to Lucca* Lucca: What? It was just a lucky guess, that's all! ^^;; >when they told me that to be married >here in Faleena, the wife must make her mark on the husband to >show to all that you belong to her. All males: O.o;; Rini and Lucca: *Ominously chanting* Girl Power, Girl Power, a curse on all _men_. Jack: Will you two _PLEASE_ stop doing that?! >I was just hoping that it >would just some paint or something similar. My hopes sunk when I saw >Lorelai walking to me with a red hot knife from a campfire nearby. All males: O.O;;; Lucca: Er... ow? >I >could only pray that I could get out of this with my you-know-what >unharmed. Rudy: Please say he means his nose... O.o;;; Rini: *Cheerfully* o/~ Killey's gonna be Bobbitzed!/ Killey's gonna be Bobbitized! o/~ *All males move a seat in the opposite direction from Rini* >(Hiss, I feel for you buddy. One thing I do admit we have in common >is our weak spot down there) >‘Glad to hear that. Anyway, Lorelai straddled me and was bending >forward over my upper body. Ramza: She slit his throat and he died, the end. >She said “Don’t worry dear, this won’t >hurt a bit.” Jack: That's what dentists say too. *shudder* >In a very sweat way that sent chills down my spine. Lucca: "In a very sweat way"? The hell can you do that? >Then the whole world went out from under me. Rini (The world): Sayonara, sucker! >(So you where tied to the ground on second, then falling though >the darkness the next?) >‘That sums it up. I guess the ground gave way when Lorelai stood >over me. Rudy: Must... resist... "Fat Chicks in Party Hats" comment... >.< >Lorelai and me tumbled down into the darkness and landed >in a forgotten cave. My forehead hurt real bad, but I ignored it. Ramza: It got infected and he died? Voice: No dice, dude. There's still two more parts of this left. On the up side, this part's almost over! ^^; >We couldn’t go back the way we came so we explored the cave. I >slowly realized that my forehead was bleeding. I chalked it up to >my fall. Then we found a Sindar ruins in the cave too.’ Lucca (Killey): And we also found the Holy Grail, a piece of cheese, and a spork. Rudy: Lucca? Are you OK? Lucca: Yeah, I'm fine. I just can't find many innuendo prompts in this one and don't want to sit here and do nothing, that's all. >(Ah, storage area 36715a. I know that place well.) Jack (Zohar): It's right next to the Dunkin' Donuts and Larry's Jug Hut. All else: ....................? >‘Er, right. Anyway. We found this strange glowing block siting >on the floor. Ramza: It was made of plutonium. They grew extra arms before dying a slow, horrible death, the end. >It was light enough to see better then before. >Lorelai was a bit shocked when she saw me. She cut me right where >my scar is at right now. Jack: Must... resist... obscure Jeffery Ross comment... >She said she didn’t mean to hurt me that >deeply, but I didn’t care. She marked me, and I was hers forever. Ramza: Unfortunately, forever only lasted two more seconds, thanks to the plutonium box exploding. ^_^ *WHAP!* Rini: Don't start that "smile at dark comments" crap again; it's creepy. >We touched the glowing box at the same time and I felt a weird >sensation pass over me. Lucca: I see the box instantly sent Killey through puberty. Rudy (Killey): Upon further review, I think that was because Lorelai was groping me... >I felt sick, getting weak. I saw Lorelai >zoning out as well.’ Jack (Genki/Lorelai): I'M IN THE ZONE! ^_^ Rudy: You... do that all too well, Jack. O.o; >(hum…..) *The dissident sound of five people humming five different songs at once is heard* >‘The next thing I knew, I was outside next to Lorelai. Rudy (Killey): -and we were nude... *thwap!* Rini: Thank you for that lovely mental image. >She seemed >different. I think the box did something to her. Jack (Killey): For example, she now had three eyes and was in a ballgown. I'm still not sure how that blond guy with the funny marks on his face got there... >Soon after ward Rini: Ward? OK! AKURYOU TAISAN! *Throws sprirt ward at the screen* >she, she left me. Told me to forget the whole thing. Rudy: Already forgotten. >To forget her. Rini (Killey): To forget about the brownies. Lucca (Killey): To forget about the massage. Jack (Killey): To forget about the Alamo. >She said that she had some things to do, and people to pay back. >Lorelai packed up some of her things and left in the night with >out even saying good bye. Rudy: Smart woman. >It…it broke my heart. I couldn’t bear >to live with out her. I couldn’t forget her.’ Ramza: She, however, forgot about him easily and soon found herself in bed with Ruby and Valeria. *WHAM!* >(……) Lucca: Crono? That you? >‘I packed up my bags, locked down the house, went out looking >for her. Jack (Killey): Heeeeeeere, Lorelai, Lorelai, Lorelai! Here, Lorelai! >Maybe I could talk to her. Convince her to come back >home. Rudy (Killey): Convince her to invite Valeria into bed with us. *WHACK!* >Maybe I could find out what that box did to me. I want the >truth, All: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! >I want Lorelai back. That is why I am here.’ >(I see. You have convinced me Killey. Jack: Why is Zohar talking like Scrooge McDuck and since when has he had his own personal Killey? >I can and will help you now. >Now open your eyes and seize your future!) Rudy: Stock dialogue! Ramza (Zohar): Fight, Killey Man! For everlasting peace! >Killey returns to his own body and does so. There was light >everywhere, blinding him. Jack (Raftina/Killey): This light... is the light of Hope. >When his eyes adjusted, what he saw >would open a new chapter in his life. Rudy: Better than a new chapter of "Off on a Tangent"- *shish-THOOM!* ow... Voice: Don't mock me again, boy! *All exit, carrying the zapped Rudy in tow* *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *One by one, the crew regroup on the bridge. Well, all except one person...* Lucca: Where could Klaus have ended up? He was with us when we got turned into energy... Rini: *Latched onto Ramza* I say good riddance! He was an annoying line stealer and a poor replacement for Ramzy here. Ramza: *Thinks* I'm never going to get her to let go, am I? *The red button flashes* Jack: Hey, the Digimon Emperor is calling. *Presses the button* [E.C.] *Mala-chan is wearing a bizzare crown-like thing on her head. A vacant look graces her face as she remains unsettlingly quiet. Xelloss phases in, notices this, and waves a hand in front of her face. She doesn't respond* Xelloss: Hmm? What happened to you? And what's with this thing on your head? *He tries to take it off, but there is a strange force keeping him from doing it* ??? Familiar male voice: Grahahahahahaha! I see you've discovered my new little toy, the Slave Crown 2.0! *The owner of the voice steps on screen. It's...* [SOL] All: KLAUS?! Rini: What the hell are you doing down there, you little twerp?! [E.C.] Klaus: What am I doing? I'm taking over. You have made me feel unwelcome ever since I got there and the brain-dead swordsman didn't exactly help me either. I hope you enjoy having your beloved Ramza back, for you'll need all the help you can get to keep your sanity once I get started with you miserable peons! *Turns to Lucca* I apologize for this ahead of time, my dear inventor lady, but I cannot let the offenses to me go unpunished. [SOL] Rudy: *To Lucca* You think something happened to him during the technical difficulies? Lucca: *To Rudy* It's possible, but I can't say for sure. [E.C.] Klaus: Enough with the idle chatter! Slave! Push the button! *Mala-chan silently pushes the button* *FWOOOSH!* *Fade to black* *Roll credits* --------------------------------------------------- The REAL End Comments? E-mail at: lilka@senshi.net Or o/~ We'll make! You! Pay! o/~ >Most were indifferent to me; several were just abusive >to me. They made my life hell, I’m just glad I didn’t get any >permanent damage from them. Lookie, shameless plugs! Organized Chaos! (My RPG humor site) http://www.crosswinds.net/~rinichan *~swearing to the sky~* (My Wild ARMs shrine) http://www.angelfire.com/wa2/filgaia Season one: ------------------ Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest" Episode 102: Raging Double Feature ("Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage") Episode 103: "The Cursed Waters" Episode 104: "The Jonathanlizers" Episode 105: "Final Fantasy VII: The Untold Story" part 1 Episode 106: "The Return of Lord Thinker" Episode 107: "Get Rich Quick" spam. Episode 108: "Don't Freak Out" Episode 109a: "The Price of Redemption" parts 1-3 Xenogears interludes: ------------------------- Episode 109b: "The Price of Redemption" parts 4-5 Episode 201a: "Messila's Journey" part 1 Episode 203: "Ash's New Friend" Episode 206: "Emerald Nights" part 1 Episode 207: "Pokemon Gangbang" (MSTed with Hyperonius) Episode 301f: "Messila's Journey" part 6 Episode 301g: "Messila's Journey" part 7 Episode 305: "An Interesting Twist" (MSTed with Hyperonius) Episode 402j: "Messila's Journey" part 10 Season Two: ---------------- Episode 202: "Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development" Episode 201b: "Messila's Journey" part 2 Episode 201c: "Mesilla's Journey" part 3 Episode 204: "FFVII: The Untold Story" part 2 Episode 205: "Behind the Scenes" Episode 208: "Beloved? Yeah, Right" Season Three: ------------------ *Special!* Episode 300: "The Happy Spell" *Special!* Episode 208b: "Beloved: A Vampire's Tale" Episode 301d: "Messila's Journey" part 4 Episode 301e: "Messila's Journey" part 5 Episode 302: "Decency Patrol #2" Episode 303: "Slayer Arms" part 1 Episode 301h: "Messila's Journey" part 8 Episode 301i: "Messila's Journey" part 9 Episode 304: "Killey" part 1 Season Four: ------------------ Episode 401: Miscellanious Miscellany ("Chick Tract" parody) Episode 403: "Killey" part 2 Episode 404: "Killey" part 3 Other MSTings: ------------------ Episode 000: "Rebirth" (MSTed with Nick) Episode 001: Stephen Gohan's letter to the GIA (MSTed with Katana Angel) *Coming soon!* Episode 002: "Cloud Vs. Aeris" (MSTed with Nick) Episode 003 or Fortuna Fanfic Theater 5000 episode 9: "10-chi Returns" (MSTed with DadyTengu)