"Is your hair naturally pink ro do you dye it?" -Adventurer guy, "Tomba!" Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision or Contrail, the latter being the newer name for the company. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; "Killey" is owned by Alexander Adkins (yes, the "Emerald Nights" guy). No offense or bad stuff was intinede with this MSTing. No evil seductive villianesses were harmed in the production of this MSTing. Are you still reading this? Well then, time to showcase bad jokes! A duck walks into a bar... *Dodges various blunt and pointy objects* Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff) Er... *Hugs SD Edgar plushie* I've been playing FF6. And 'Tengu-san, I hope you don't mind a temporary borrowing of Tessiri for the final host seg... ^^;; (Oh, and thanks for fixing those lines for me. I really _don't_ want Tessiri mad at me... *sweatdrop*) With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ------------------------------------ (Singer) In the not too distant future, (Methinks it was next Thursday) A bunch of poor suckers Have some hell to pay! A group of evil people, led by Mala-chan, They were bored one day, so they dreamed up a plan. They choose some people they didn't like, Then they sent those poor victims into space and- *B-ko cackles* (Mala-chan) We'll send them crappy fanfics, As many as we can find! (Lalala!) (Marle) They'll have to sit and read them all! (Xelloss) And they'll slowly lose their minds! ^_^ (Lalala!) (Singer) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end. (Lalala!) To try to keep their sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Rudy! (Sailor Moon bad!) Rini! (OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!) Ramza! (... help!) Lucca! (I'm BRILLIANT! ^_^) Jaaaaaaaaaack! (Oh bugger...) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science fact, Just think to yourself, "It's just a file, I should really just relax, For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever' *Twang!* [The SOL (Not the Satellite of Love, tho')] *Rudy is sitting on the counter, back turned to the audience. He appears to be drawing something* Rudy: *Muttering to himself* No, no, her dress has to be more... more... not like this! *The camera angle changes so that what he is drawing can be seen. It's a woman with markings on her face that identify her as Tessiri from Fortuna Fanfic Theater 5000* HEY! *Pushes the camera away* I don't look over _your_ shoulder when _you're_ working, do I?! *The yellow button flashes* We'll be right back. I'll be putting this away, you over-shoulder-looking people! *Pushes the yellow button, then walks away* ------------ Announcer: It's FANTASTIC! It's AMAZING! SENSATIONAL! Even MEDIOCRE! It's... uh... it's... Hell, I don't even know what the hell I'm advertising anymore. *A loud "ZAAAAAAAAAAP!* can be heard* Female voice: It's UmJammer Amelia you're advertising, stupid! Announcer: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me, lady! >p Female voice: BAKA! *A loud "WHAM!" cna be heard* -------------------------------------------------- Ramza: .............. that was pointlessly stupid. Rini: Speaking of which, don't we have a letter today? ^_^ Voice: Er, guys? This letter is about a MSTing in the future of the IFTW timeline. The MSTing in question if of a Jack Chick Tract parody. Rudy: A MSTing in the future? Voice: I've been working backwards again, OK? This letter's from DadyTengu. Rudy: *!!* Tessiri's creator? ^_^ >WAI! That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long >time. Offhand, I'd say it was your best. All: *blink*blink* Huh? Rini: Wow, our future selves must have _rocked_... Voice: Eheh... Well, _most_ of your future selves... ^^;; >It was also pretty brave to take that on...if it generates any >flamage, maybe I should help you riff it or something. ^_^ Voice: Heheh, I've already picked who I want to go to the Star of Revenge for when (if?) we ever co-MST something again. ^_^ >The piece was typical Alruhi--a good point expressed with all >the finesse of a sledgehammer, All but Jack: *sweatdrop* Jack: Must... not... sing stupid '80's song... >although that may partially have been an attempt to imitate the >Jack Chick tracts it satirised. (Don't you have to wonder if >Jack Chick got teased about his last name and that turned him >to the bitter bigot he is today?) Rini: *shrug* That makes sense, oddly enough, >On a slightly different note(b-flat, I think), I found the >commercial sketch very funny. However, Elly doesn't make me >want to have a "Kick-Me Elly," Lucca: Me, on the other hand... >but a "Kick-Me Writer" doll. For all its good points, that >game was painfully sexist, and her characterisation was the >main factor in that. I was just waiting for her to manage to >fall and twist her ankle. >:| >I also look forward to seeing Tessiri's guest shot in "Killey". Rudy: Tessiri-sama?! Here?! ^_^-<3 >Or is it just something in the fic that reminds you of her? Voice: Sore wa, himitsu desu. >If it's the former, I'd like to see a preview copy, just to make >sure she's IC. Ja ne, see you round, and all that! >--DadyTengu >"Maybe it's _inside_ the squid. Lots of places are doing that these days." *The red button flashes* Rudy: Yarun and Kumiko are calling... *Pushes the button* [E.C.] Mala-chan: *On the phone* Oh yeah? Well, come over _here_ and say that! I am _not_ loaning out my lab rats and _that's_ final! *Slams the reciever down* B-ko, leave the princess alone and send the stupid fanfic! B-ko: *Pauses her pursuit of Cecilia* *sigh* All right... *Pushes the send button* [SOL] *Lights flash and klaxons go off* Rudy: WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Lammi! You give her a guitar and go on. Door 4: It's El Bastardo! You flee from the evil cactus lawyer. Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's the Wheel of Fish. You win Red Snapper. Is very tasty fish! Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating (L-R): Ramza, Rini, Rudy, Lucca, and Jack* >Killey Jack: Whoa, you think DadyTengu's psychic? Rini: Nah, the boss must be working backwards again, that's all. >Chapter 1: a prelude >Location: somewhere? Jack: o/~ Soooooooomewhere ooooooouuuuut there... o/~ Rini: o/~ Somewhere, a place for us... o/~ > Somewhere, there is a dark room lit only by a faint >glow from various places on the floor. Rudy: The power of the Tap Lights, everyone. >There is a large >rectangle 20 feet in length table with eight people >sitting in chairs in even distance around it. Lucca: Rena, Claude, Celine, Ashton, Precis, Dias, Noel, and Chisato? >One of the >sitting people at one end spoke in a raspy, older man’s >voice. “Why have you summoned us all here? Ramza: I told Hampsten trying to summon the cast of Monty Python was a bad idea... *(Note: Hampsten's just a generic black mage I had in FFT once...)* >There are many >things that we must monitor in our own areas.” Rudy (mysterious voice): -in the bathroom, with the Victoria's Secret catalog... *Lucca looks at Rudy* Lucca: *Mildly irritated* So _that's_ why I keep getting those things sent to me and why they always vanish... Rudy: *blush* ................... > The person at the other end of the table spoke in an >adult man’s voice that has an emotionlessness tone to it. Lucca: Oh, I get it now! They're the Ten Wise Men, but they kicked two of them out of the group! ^_^ >“An event has happened in world 23A. Windy has been >killed. (The other people shifted a bit) Rini (Random person): Oh buggering hell, I was supposed to give her that crowbar to knock that idiot Ponderosa out! Lucca: _Barbarosa_, Rini. Rini: Now is not a time to be thinking about food, Lucca. Lucca: *sweatdrop* >The bases have >been found by Nemesis.” Jack: Nemesis?! Quick! Get Jill Valentine! >(The people are moving nervously >and whispering to each other.) Ramza (Random person): So when do we make the hit, Xelloss? Rini (Xelloss as random person): Sore wa... >One of the persons who >were sitting on the side of the table said in a sultry >woman’s voice, Ramza: Tessiri? Rudy: Rally Vincent? ^^ Jack: Elmina? Lucca: *Rest her head on Rudy's shoulder* Me? ^_^ Rudy: *Flustered* I... ah... er... *blush* ^^;; >“How soon will they find us? This is a >threat to our own existence!” Ramza (Tessiri): I mean, I still have to find the fic that will drive everyone crazy to protect our asses! Rini: *Mutters* Like she really wants her a- MMPH! Rudy: *Takes hand off of Rini's mouth* Don't. That's just rude to say if you don't know the truth. Jack: This from the Tessiri fanboy. Rudy: *blush* JACK! Shut up! ^^;; >The younger sounding man at >the end of the table said, “I know that quite well, but >we still have time before she finds us out. Nemesis has >chosen her champion and so have I. Jack: And that champion is... THE ROCK! Rini (The Rock): What's your name, mysterious figure? *Pause* It doesn't _MATTER_ what your name is! >(a glowing globe >appears at the end of the table where the younger >sounding man is sitting. It partly illuminates his body >as an image appears in it.) Rudy (Younger-sounding man): Er, oops, this is from my, er, "collection"... Ramza (Yarunseto): I never knew my sister _recorded_ herself doing _that_... >.<;; >I control all the swords and >the dragons, Lucca (YSM): -especially the "swords", heheheheheheh... ^_^ >there is very little that I can not do in >that world. If need be I will personally intervene. Lucca (YSM): After all, the Suikoden world's _full_ of bishounen... ^_^ Voice: Amen to that! ^_^ >(A >fuzzy image slowly forms and a man in a red coat and a >battered wide brim, brown hat with a scar on his face. Rudy: No particular place on his face, just on his face... >He >had a pair of saddlebags over his left shoulder and a >large duffel bag on his right. Walking though a barren >land appears) Jack: The hell? When did this take place on Filgaia? > (The glow from the globe reveals the >younger sounding man to be a man in a crusader's garb. Lucca: Now it's crossing over with FF6! >Chain mail covers the areas where exposed skin would have >been. A hood hides much of his face, but a long mustache >that hangs down is visible) His name is Rini (Professor Oak): -Pikachu! >Killey. He will >serve us well, even though I drought that he knows it…” Ramza: Uh... "Son of a submariner"? Rini: *Ala Gau* Mr. Thou! Mr. Thou! ^_^ > “This should be our primary goal for now.” Said a >young child’s voice. Lucca: Leon D.S. Geeste? Rini: Relm? Rudy: Ash Ketchum? >“We will devote our energies to this.” Jack (Young Child's voice): That and AEROBICS! Now lift those legs! ^_^ Lucca (Tessiri): Sorry, but you're too young for me, kid. >“Failure is a strong possibility now. This Killey is not >ready.” Said a deep base voice. Jack: James Earl Jones? Lucca: Dias Flac? Rini: Barry White? >“I will, assist him, from >time to time as he needs help.” Ramza: -hiding the bodies. >Said the one in the >crusader’s garb. The old raspy sounding man at the other >end of the table spoke again. Jack (ORSM): In my day, we had to finigle with dimensions without the help of guys with moving scars in _FIFTEEN_ FEET OF SNOW, by cracky! >“You have discovered this, >and you will be the one who will ensure success in this >matter. Inform us again when you have achieved progress.” Lucca: Anyone else _really_ wanna say "And when you get a good feeling when this's is the way?" >The dark forms around the table quietly blended into the >deep shadows of the room and were gone. Ramza: Aw, no more Tessiri... *WHACK!* Rini: Enough with the Tessiri mentioning! Rudy: What's wrong with Tessiri? Rini: *Grumbles* Apparently nothing when one is a hornball fanboy... >The room was >empty except for the one man at the end of the table. He >still didn’t move from his spot. Rudy: Someone put Crazy Glue on the seat and he wasn't wearing any pants. > “I know failure is not an option. To live, or to die >are the only choices we have left. Jack: o/~ 'Cause I'm a cowboy.../ On a steel horse I ride!/ I'm wanted.../ Dead or alive! o/~ >Even with all my powers, >I can not see what is to come. What choices will you make >Killey?” Ramza (Killey): Certainly not the plaid wallpaper with flowers, BUH-lech! >he said to no one. From underneath the hood a pair >of eyes glows in a pale blue light and somehow, a smile >could be seen as well… Jack: He's the Cheshire Cat! > In the badlands where Killey was walking, there was >nothing happing to him. Rudy (Killey): Man, I need to got laid... *WHAM!* >No one was around him, except for >the hot blowing dust storms; All: ..................... Rini: _Someone_ got off the Logic Train here... >there was nothing of any >importance around him. Yet, some how he looked around him >in a nervous way. Lucca: Maybe he used his neck to do so? Rini (Televangelist): It's a miracle! PRAISE the lord! >He stopped to look around him. “I got >to get there and soon. This place feels it’s watching me…” Jack (Killey; insane): The eyes, THE EYES!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! >he said. He readjusted his bags and continued walking >north to his destination. Rini: -which was the International House of Pancakes! ^_^ > the badlands to the Jowston city-states for what?> Lucca: Rich, milk chocolate? >Killey >thought. He walked on in silence for about five minuets. Jack: That anything like a "mintune"? >He stopped and sat down on a rock to catch his breath. >I wish that you remembered what you did to me. Rudy (Killey): First you tied me up, then you got out the canola oil and the salad tongs... *WHAM!* Rini: Ecchi, _ecchi_, ECCHI!! >(he took a >small hand towel from his duffel bag to wipe the sweat from >his face. He feels the scar on his face.) What you did to >me.> Jack: Cool, we got an echo effect in here! ^_^ > He shook his head to clear his mind. “I don’t want to >remember that. I don’t. It’s over with. You left me Lorelai.” Lucca (Killey; bad Irish accent): Aye, and ye dinna give me child support eithah! >He paused again. “AUGH! This bloody heat is driving me insane!” Jack (Killey; insane): The heat, THE HEEEEEEEAAAAAAT!! KANADAAAAAAAAAAA!! >He took his hat off and fanned himself with it. He looked up >and saw that the sun is in it’s high noon spot. Ramza: -and that someone was holding a magnifying glass over his head. He combusted and died, the end. >Looking down, >he selected his water bottle from his belt, took off its cap, Rini: o/~ I'd tip my hat to you, but I haven't got a hat! o/~ Jack: ... man, that was an obscure Looney Tunes reference... >and took a mouth full of water. “I have got to get there >before the sun sets.” He poured some water over his head Rudy: And turned into Killey-chan! >and >put the cap back on the bottle. He set the bags down and >took off his jacket and stuffed it down his Lucca: -pants. >duffel bags. The >sweat from his rather well toned body left tracks down his >sleeveless T-shirt. Rini: Eeeeww... Somebody hose him down before they let him anywhere _near_ a town! >“If I survive this hellish heat. It feels >like an oven.” Rini: o/~ Put the Killey in the oven for a while!/ Leave him there, c'mon, clean the pile! o/~ > Killey put his old worn hat back on and shrugged his >duffel and saddlebags over his shoulder and started walking >north again. Ramza: Then the sandworms sprung from the ground and ate him- Voice: AAAAAAAARGH! NO MORE OF THOSE #*@&)# SANDWORMS! They made me have to go all the way back to the beginning of Figaro Cave! I have to get Edgar-sama back all over again now! >“I’m always on the move. I’m always after the >sindar. I’m, I’m always after her. He,he. Rudy (Killey): Duuuuuh... I like rice. >This whole damn >thing is the story of my life…” He said with an ironic smile. All: o/~ It's like raaaaaaa-i-ain, on you wedding day... o/~ *All exit* *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *The male inhabitants of the SOL are on the bridge for some odd reason* Rudy: What are we all here right now? Zelgadiss: Plot device. Rudy: That figures. I wonder what our writer's got planned... *Waits for the fourth wall to break; nothing happens* Huh? Jack: Fourth wall duct tape. ^_^ Ramza: *Notices the red button's flashing* Hmm? Tessiri and Mr. Tengu are calling. *Presses the button* [E.C.] Mala-chan: For the last time, no, you _cannot_ borrow Jack as a guest for the Star of Revenge! Tessiri: You forget that I have authors on my side, Mala. If _they_ wish Jack to be there, they _will_ arrange it so that I get him there. ^_^ Marle: *Conspiritorial whisper to Tessiri* However, we can give you a slightly-used fruity Mazoku priest if you want... [SOL] Ramza: Homina, homina, homina... O_O-<3 Zelgadiss: Oh no, not _HER_! <(((.<))>;; Rudy: T-T-Tessiri-sama... *Gets a nosebleed and passes out* X_X-<3 Jack: Excuse me?! Borrow me for _what_? [E.C.] Tessiri: Xelloss, if you will... Xelloss: *nod* Sore wa, himitsu desu! ^_^ Marle: See? He's great for public relations! I'll make you a deal: you take him off our hands, we'll throw in Cecilia for FREE! Cecilia: WHAT?!? VALKYRIE!! *Sends the Multi-color Disco Balls of Doom (TM) flying at Marle* [SOL] Jack: *sigh* Why me? Rudy: *Slowly getting to his feet* That's... my line... *On his feet again; sees Tessiri again* Tessiri-sama... O_O-<3<3<3 [E.C.] Tessiri: *Studying Rudy* Hmm... Not bad at all... A bit too unrefined, however...and I have no need for mechanical toys. Mala-chan: *sigh* Someone just push the button already... *B-ko pushes the button* *FWOOOSH!* *Fade to black* *Roll credits* --------------------------------------------------- The REAL End Comments? E-mail at: lilka@senshi.net And get somewhere around 80 points! >duffel bags. The >sweat from his rather well toned body left tracks down his >sleeveless T-shirt. Lookie, a shameless plug! Organized Chaos! http://www.crosswinds.net/~rinichan My own site. Beware the Temporary Portal, er, Picture of the Week; It can lead you to strange things... Season one: ------------------ Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest" Episode 102: Raging Double Feature ("Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage") Episode 103: "The Cursed Waters" Episode 104: "The Jonathanlizers" Episode 105: "Final Fantasy VII: The Untold Story" part 1 Episode 106: "The Return of Lord Thinker" Episode 107: "Get Rich Quick" spam. Episode 108: "Don't Freak Out" Episode 109a: "The Price of Redemption" parts 1-3 Xenogears interludes: ------------------------- Episode 109b: "The Price of Redemption" parts 4-5 Episode 201a: "Messila's Journey" part 1 Episode 203: "Ash's New Friend" Episode 206: "Emerald Nights" part 1 Episode 207: "Pokemon Gangbang" (MSTed with Hyperonius) Episode 301f: "Messila's Journey" part 6 Episode 301g: "Messila's Journey" part 7 Season Two: ---------------- Episode 202: "Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development" Episode 201b: "Messila's Journey" part 2 Episode 201c: "Mesilla's Journey" part 3 Episode 204: "FFVII: The Untold Story" part 2 Episode 205: "Behind the Scenes" Episode 208: "Beloved? Yeah, Right" Season Three: ------------------ *Special!* Episode 300: "The Happy Spell" *Special!* Episode 208b: "Beloved: A Vampire's Tale" Episode 301d: "Messila's Journey" part 4 Episode 301e: "Messila's Journey" part 5 Episode 302: "Decency Patrol #2" Episode 303: "Slayer Arms" part 1 Episode 301h: "Messila's Journey" part 8 Episode 304: "Killey" part 1 Season Four: ------------------ Episode 401: Miscellanious Miscellany ("Chick Tract" parody) Other MSTings: ------------------ Episode 000: "Rebirth" (MSTed with Nick) Episode 001: Stephen Gohan's letter to the GIA (MSTed with Katana Angel) *Coming soon!* Episode 002: "Cloud Vs. Aeris" (MSTed with Nick) Episode 003 or Fortuna Fanfic Theater 5000 episode 9: "10-chi Returns" (MSTed with DadyTengu)