[A Satellite] *Three girls stand on the bridge. One is identified as Noa of Legend of Legaia. The second girl bears more that just a passing resemblence to Tifa Lockheart. Oddly enough, she goes by the name of Tifa. The third girl is just a little bit shorter than the other two. She looks somewhat like Lisa Loeb. Her name is Chibi-chan, Chibi for short* Tifa: Umm... How did I get here? Chibi: Oh, hi there, Tifa. How's it goin'? Tifa: Pretty good, but it seems we're on the Satellite of Love. Noa: Satellite of what?! Tifa: Nevermind. Anyhow, why are we here? Voice: *From above* Because I sent you here!! Noa: A Spirit? Chibi: God? Tifa: El nino? Voice: NO!!! It is I...... Emerald!! *Tifa and Chibi scream* Noa: Who?? Chibi: Just the most annoying evil female ever on Sailor Moon, next to Usagi in the first season. Noa: Oh I see... I think. Emerald: Now, you will suffer! Behold!! My reign of chaos will begin!! *Lights flash and a buzzer sounds* Noa: What is it?? Tifa: Movie sign!! Noa: Bwah?? Chibi: Just follow us!! ****************Now in a theather************************ Tifa: Who knows what horrors we will experience... >>A letter that's sure to get the old thinker in motion Chibi: Oh boy here we go...I don't like the sound of this already. >>Back in the old days, there was purity. What is purity? >>Simplicity woven around underlying complexity, Chibi: Like sliced bread >>like FF1. It involved a simple selection of strong male characters >>and one female white mage, and all was good. Tifa: Untill it came to what tent the white mage would sleep in- *WHAM* Chibi: *Throws away a large, broken sledgehammer* Watch it! >>Everything worked beautifully. The characters were purer in their >>lack of predefined story and thus inability to influence people to >>commit crimes while attempting to emulate them. Tifa: Except for those people that tried to steal the moggles.. Chibi(Bandit): Hey, I got this out of Final Fantasy 1!! Noa (Moggle): Kuppo! Tifa (Another bandit): All right! thanks, FF1!! >>But most importantly, the atmosphere was in its purest, as there >>was nothing sexually stimulating or unnecessarily arousing about >>it. Chibi: Oh, what was fun about that then?? *WHACK* Tifa: *Throws away a broken shovel* And you were angry with me.. >>Women were well-clothed healers, and nothing more. Tifa: They all shopped at Old Navy, and it was good >>And thus they should remain. Noa: You think they're inferring something? Chibi and Tifa: Nah, nope, I don't think so, *Etc, etc...* >>Why? Because this way, women don't take on the roles of men that by >>all laws of nature are stronger and more suited to tasks such as >>fighting and killing. Noa: Beg your pardon? Chibi: You know, the guys that grunt out commands and point at things they want. Noa: Oh I see. I can do that as well as any guy, though. >>I know some of you may be screaming liberal spittle at me ALL: *screaming* LIBERAL SPITTLE!! >>about equal rights but face it. Women were meant to do the gentle >>work, men were meant to do the hard and brainless tasks. Tifa: And you know, there is truth in that statement... Noa: Yup... especially the "men doing brainless tasks" part. There was this one time Vahn had to... *Rambles on* >>As much as we conform to political correctness and deny this, we >>know in our hearts it isn't true. Tifa: My heart is saying to go on... *Slow music begins in the background* Chibi: *Hits Tifa with a large pan* NO TITANIC REFERENCES!! Celine Dion is evil, EVIL, I say, and so is DiCrapprio! >>Look how different women are from men. Noa: Tee hee! Tifa: Man, that's just too easy. Chibi: Gladly. Here, Vejita, Citan, Leon! Heeeeere, Rudy! *KABONG!* Noa: *Tosses aside a lute* Shut it! >>Women, if taking on men's roles, will enter evil and sinful sensual >>influence into the scenario. Chibi: No, that's just the sicko perv MALE game creator's fault. Tifa: Oh and what about Duke Nukem, HUH???????? Chibi: Don't look at me, I'm not into that type of guy. >>They can't be trusted to perform men's roles, and should never be >>allowed to wear anything other than soft, noble looking cloths. Noa: Define "noble". Tifa: *British* Oh, she must be with the royalty. Chibi: *British* Why do you say that? Tifa: *British* She's not covered in shit.. >>Their primary ask is to heal and purify the male warriors, and it >>should remain that way. Tifa: Hey, watch that now; Sir Gallahad died pure. Chibi: Huh? Tifa: I mean exactly what I said. Noa: Grossness! >>What do you think would happen if you placed a bunch of women in a >>party alone and send them on a quest? Tifa: Uh... they would get something ACUALLY done and not mess up? Chibi: They could probably build a condo using a Q-tip and an army knife? Noa: And bring back chocolate for all? All: Huzzah! >>They'd find some silly way to feel sympathy or fall in love with >>the enemy, either falling head over heels about his big muscles or >>being charmed by his wit or plight, or feel sorry for him. Tifa: And what problem would that cause? Chibi: Yeah, really, they would fall in love, the end. No blood, no gore, no killings... and a shirtless Sephiroth... And besides, we're not _that_ flighty. Noa: See, if women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, we'd talk it over cookies... >>And don't tell me some of you don't know in your hearts that that's >>true. All: *cough*loadofcrap*cough*untrue*cough* >>I am a devout Japanese-americanized Christian, and for women to take >>on such seedy roles as in FF6 and FF7 is a sin beyond anything. *Noa and Chibi look at Tifa* Tifa: Hey, don't look at me!!! it's the gamer's fault, not mine!!! >>In the heart of the heart of decency, Chibi: This was brought to you by the repetition company of repetition which brought you this. >>I ask how so many young people can tolerate this. Noa: They took a poll at the mall, perhaps? Tifa: *Annoying voice* Would ya like to take a survey? Chibi: Uh no... that's ok, really! *Pretends to run away* >>In the old days, there were many more women like Aeris. She was >>beautiful, she was perfection. Chibi: "Many women"? In the old days of RPGs? Someone's realized the true power of Healing Shrooms... Tifa: Um dear, it's a video game, for cryin out loud. >>How can it be that women like Aeris are brutally murdered, Chibi: Um hello, do you KNOW the story line of FF7?! She's an Ancient, the only one that stands between her and Sephy's quest to rule the world! Mmm, Sephy-baby... Tifa: *Singing* He's Sehpy, he's Sephy and the An-An-An-Ancient! >>and women like Tifa with large chests, few clothes and few brains >>are promoted and allowed to live? *Chibi and Noa look at Tifa* Tifa: Nani?! *Looks at noa & Chibi* DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!!! OK, not smart? Where do you get that?? To me she sure seems to have a couple of brain cells in that skull of hers. If you want to be like that, what about Yuffie?!? Chibi: Hey! I happen to be one of the proud, the few Yuffie fans! Noa: Be afraid, be very afraid. >>I know a great deal of you sympathize with Aeris, and I say if you >>want more characters like her to fall on good fortune, Chibi: *Opens a fortune cookie* Sorry, the cookie says this is a load of sexist crap. >>you should stand with me. Noa: *Singing* Stand by your man... *Tifa and Chibi grab large mallets* *WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM* >>Put aside your disgust, your political correct masks, and stand with >>me. Tifa: Aw, but I like my policical correct mask!! >>Drew: Amazing. Stephen's letter manages to be incredibly insulting... >>and yet contain a kernel of truth so large that you could heat it >>up and make a piece of popcorn the size of the moon. Tifa: I thought you wanted to take over the moon? Chibi: SHHH!! Don't give away my plan! Tifa: Whoops. Sorry. Noa: I'll help eat the popcorn! >>On one hand, let's be honest. The "female" characters that have >>been appearing and even starring in games lately, and this certainly >>isn't confined to RPGs alone, All: *Spookily chanting* Girl Power, Girl Power, a curse on all men. >>have taken on the fighting roles once reserved to men, Noa: Does that mean they got their own little place cards at the dining tables? Tifa: Yup. Noa: Aw, I want one of those! >>because in all honesty men are the grunt laborers of the planet. Chibi: Because that's what they do; grunt. Noa: If they're the laborers, explain childbirth. >>Characters like Tifa, *Both look at Tifa again* Tifa: why always me???? >>Lara Croft, and so many others I can't even begin to name them, >>are in a way nothing more than men with superidealistic female >>bodies. Noa: How _DOES_ Lara Croft get around with that get-up anyhow?? Wouldn't she be kinda slumped over?? Chibi: Let's not start with Tifa either. Tifa: Oh sure, let's all diss Tifa... >>However, and there is always a however, Tifa (Safari guide): And now we see a however in it's original habitat... there is always a however.. Chibi and Noa: oooh.. >>as technology changes the face of the planet and former cultural >>boundaries and roles fade away, women can and have successfully >>taken on the roles once reserved solely to men. Chibi: Why? Because we're female, that's why! ALL: YEAH!! *Spooky chanting* Girl Power, Girl Power, a curse on all men. >>What's to say that a woman couldn't become a martial arts expert? Ramus: *On P.A.* Not me, because Noa frightens me. Noa: Hehehe! >>What's to say that a woman couldn't become highly proficient with >>weaponry? Tifa: Boy, this what's to is getting on my nerves... Chibi: No doubt he hasn't seen you with a katana... Noa: Tee hee! >>This is an argument of many layers, it is. Tifa: That's it? Chibi: Tt's over? Noa: No more? All: YAY!! EMERALD: DON'T BE SO SURE!! I will have more horrors for you to sit through!! AHAHAAAAHA All: D'oh ------------ THE END..............OR IS IT???????????? ALL: BUM BUM BUUUUM!!!