Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics, Xenogears, and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision or Contrail, the latter being the newer name for the company. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; This little nugget of joy is owned by Stephen Gohan, who should be... no, I will _not_ flame him. The intent of this MSTing is not to insult/offend Gohan, but to make this more humorous than it already is. Please don't hurt or flame me. Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff) Oh man, you're not gonna believe this guy! He's just... it's just... well, you gotta see it to believe it! MSTing number... um... er... I forget. Heheh, heheh! ^^;; With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ------------------------------------ [Evil Central] Mala-chan: Hmm, I wonder what my goody-goody twin meant when she said those satellite dwellers were safe from that "editorial" by Stephen Gohan? [The SOL (Not the Satellite of Love, though)] *In Lucca's workshop...* Lucca: *Working on a small remote control-like device. A fax machine is on the counter near her* Hehehe... Hahahaha, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OHO, OHO! Fanfic sign _this_, Mala-chan! Charlotte! Prepare the Gohan Bomb! Charlotte: Right! *Prepares to send a fax. Lucca then presses a large red button on the remote control device* [E.C.] *The lights in the main room flash and alarms buzz* Mala-chan: NANI?!? Marle: What's going on? Dycedarg: If I didn't know better, I'd say WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!! Krelian: I think we do. Look at the screen. *Point to the comm screen, which was black moments before, but now has displayed on it Stephen Gohan's "editorial"* Marle: Lucca... This has got to be Lucca's work! Dycedarg: No duh, who else has mechanical knowledge up there? Krelian: Well, I don't think it's going away until we read it... Mala-chan: All right. Remember, if anyone here goes insane, they don't get paid. All else: *groan* >Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character >Development Marle: Or, "How to Make an RPG Suck". >by Stephen Gohan Mala-chan: KAMEHAMEHA! >Many tragedies such as that of the trenchcoat mafia occur far >too often in this country. Krelian (Gohan): -because America sucks. *ZAP!* Ow! >More people die from gunshots in the states than many European >countries combined. Why does this happen? Dycedarg: Because we're special! >The cause is simpler than you might think: console-based >role-playing games, and their characteristics. All: WHAT?!? Marle: Wow, someone's been hitting the happy weed! >I will identify and attack their characteristics one by one. Dycedarg: Good strategy; divide and conquer almost always works! >1) realism and FMV. This definitely has to go. Marle: Looks like _someone_ is going to hate "Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete" mightily, seeing as there's so many cut scenes... >Why were RPGs originally invented? Imagination. Krelian: -and it was something to do when you're high. >What were the characteristics that made FF1 a classic, Marle: -piece of crap? >and favorite in the FF series among many? Mala-chan: Maybe because it was one of the first RPGs out there and nostalgia is a powerful thing. >Imagination and customization. Bad graphics forced us to >fill in details and fine points by ourselves, and the story was >whatever we wanted it to be. Dycedarg: Except for "Crazy Larry's Trek Through Hentailand". *WHAM!* >The plain fact is, realistic graphics and FMV make us >subconsciously Krelian: I wonder if he even knows what that word means... >identify the game with reality itself whether we realize it >or not, Marle: But if one subconsciously identifies with something, they probably wouldn't realize it. Krelian: Maybe Gohan's working for the Department of Redunancy Department. >in much the same way advertising subtly influences us to buy >certain products no matter how much we claim to be immune to >it. *An ad for feminine hygiene product flashes for a moment on the screen* Dycedarg: Dude, now I must get Forevers with wings. Krelian: Me too. *Pause* Oh, I just can't keep a straight face for this! *Cracks up* Dycedarg: Me neither! *Cracks up too* >We just aren’t, and that’s the sad truth. Mala-chan: No, the sad truth is that some people actually _believe_ what you're shoveling! >Images of explosions, gunfire and death that look overly >realistic can and will subliminally influence >just about anyone to committ murderous acts, if too much >exposure results. Dycedarg: What kind of exposure? *WHAM!* Ow... Marle: *Looking over her crossbow* Lesse, now _where's_ the B button on this thing? >Ineed, FF7 alone was responsible for much death >and malicious impulses in our society. Mala-chan: Then explain the cause of all violent acts _before_ electricity was harnessed, bright boy. Krelian: *Cheesy* Hey Marle, I'm gonna drop from the rafters and impale a flower girl, care to join me? Marle: *Cheesy* Nah, Dycedarg's gonna ride a motorcycle down some stairs while I go steal a truck! >Therefore, it is logical to conclude that all FMVs should be >wiped from future RPGs, and that graphics should be no more >advanced than 16-bit. *Everyone begins laughing* Marle: Oh, oh man, that's a good one! Krelian: Don't he know that graphics are what sells the game to the newbies? >This may sound impossible but with enough people I think we can >make it happen. Dycedarg: Permission to make a "Wayne's World" ref. Mala-chan: Go for it. Hell, _I_ wanna say it! Dycedarg: Thank you. *Wayne* Sheyeah, right! And monkeys might fly out of my butt! >I can’t conceive of any less than 40% agreeing with me >on this after my evidence presented. *All look confused* Marle: Krel, did you see any evidence? Krelian: Depends. Evidence of his point or evidence that this is a, oh, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Mala-chan: Steaming pile of crap? Krelian: That's it, evidence that this is a steaming pile of crap? >Realism is evil. Marle: Oh, so you are too? You're real, right? >2) Character development. Dycedarg: -kicks butt if it's done right. >This has become a scourge among RPGs that rapidly spoil RPG >players, Marle (Darkwing Duck): I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the winged scourge that spoils RPG players! I am... SQUARESOOOOOOOOOFT DUCK! >turning them into sloth-like plot freaks who care nothing about >gameplay and only want to be told a story or shown a movie, like >babies. Krelian: Sooo... watching all those Cheech and Chong movies with Lacan and Roni makes me infant-like? Marle: Cheech and Chong? You? Krelian: Well, it was a long time ago... >They want to sit back, control as little as possible, fight as >few battles and traverse as few dungeons as possible, and just >let everything be controlled Mala-chan: *Playing with various dials on the control panel* I control the vertical, *Letters get all squished together* I control the horizontal, *Letters become smaller and wider* I can even make it snow! *Static blurs the screen* o/~ Jingle bells, jingle bells! o/~ Marle: ... you've been watching Tiny Toon Adventures again, haven't you? >(this is why Xenogears was the worst thing ever to be >released for any system in terms of an RPG). Krelian: WHAT?!? Urge to kill... rising... >What causes this? Marle: Happy weed and Healing Shrooms... oh, you mean the games. >Story derived from excessive character development. Citan: *Over the P.A.* One, what is he smoking, and two, can I have some? Billy: *Over the P.A.* CITAN! >Characters should be left customizable blank slates for the PLAYER >TO Mala-chan: -BE COMPLETELY BORED BY. >FILL IN, COLOR AND DEVELOP TO HIS OWN STANDARDS; IMAGINATION >SHOULD BE USED. Dycedarg: It is; how do you think games are made in the first place? >Predefined character stories, especially as realistic as recent >games, only add to the subconscious idea of the player that these >characters are real Marle: To a certain extent, that's the point. _Too much_ of that, however... >and can be seen as role models, and are to be emulated in society. Krelian: Oh yes, everyone wants to have multiple personalities just like Lacan's current incarnation. >You are not immune to this influence, people. YOU ARE NOT. Mala-chan: -amused? Damn straight. >I study advertising and its effects on the mind, *All are waiting for the work he's going to cite to back up his point* >and these predefined character personalities are nothing more >than a very subtle form of advertising. Marle: o/~ Like Cloud,/ If I could be like Cloud! o/~ >What do they advertise? Voilence, Marle (Molly): Voilence is som'thing no one should be exposed to poisonally! >mass murder and going against the will of God by destroying his >own servants, the angels. That’s right, how many times has an >angel been the final boss of a FF game? Krelian: Yeah, but they're _fallen_ angels; you know, ones led astray? >At least twice. I assure you, this is a sick joke created by >selfish atheists who are making fun of Christianity. Krelian: Oh, but it's easy to mock Christianity; just ask any stand-up comic. >But that’s somewhat beside the main point, so I won’t go off >on that tangent. All: Huzzah! >If character story and development is left to the imagination >alone, the ideas will remain in the player’s head(being forged >by the player himself, of course) and won’t be strong enough to >influence him to commit murder or anything. Mala-chan: Please. I've only had a level one psychology class and I know _that's_what'll make the stronger impression, my dear little eternal dragon. >That is why it is so essential that RPGs go back to the old >ways Dycedarg (Old man): In my day, we had to go uphill both ways for here to the video game store just to get FF1 and we liked it, dagnabbit! >of the player creating his own character from his own mind, Krelian: So now he's advertising that people get multiple personalities like Lacan. >and eliminate prefedined character personalities as soon as >possible. Marle: Soo... we can't read books now? >I fail to see how that many people can disagree with me here, >whether or not they’re willing to admit it right now. Krelian: You fail to see because your mind is closed. Marle: Ooo, that's deep. >Think it over, people. Just think. Mala-chan: Only if you go first. >3) Female roles in RPGs. Krelian: *To Dycedarg* I suggest we back away slowly. *Dycedarg nods. They both begin stepping away from the screen* >I’ll only touch briefly on this topic. Dycedarg: *To Krelian* Lucky for us... >Females shouldn’t be given roles that men are supposed to have – Mala and Marle: WHAT?!? >Tifa is an example of this. Marle: What, game girls used to draw in horny fanboys? >Women should be kept as healers or magic users and not be >scantily clothed, Marle: Hey! I wouldn't wear a bikini in the Artic, but it _is_ pretty easy to move in one! Some clothes just restrict movement; it's as simple as that! >or it sets a bad example for society. Dycedarg: Oh, if only it were true... Krelian: Heh, yeah... >Women shouldn’t be beating things up, Mala-chan: Why not? It's fun! >they should be keeping back and healing the male warriors >who protect them. Marle: Only if the guy has a nice butt is when _I'll_ stay back and only heal everyone else! >It just doesn’t fit right any other way, Krelian: Have you tried actually turning the peg the _other_ way? Maybe then it'll fit. >despite all these modern feminist movements. Mala-chan: That's what you think! Mala and Marle: *Spookily chanting* Girl Power, Girl Power, a curse on all men. Krel and Dycedarg: *Anime sweatdrops* ......... >This may anger some female game players, All girls on the SOL and in E.C.: DAMN STRAIGHT! >but hey, just how many girls play games? Not many. Mala-chan: Do we still have a disk with that virus on it, Dycedarg? Dycedarg: Yeeeesss... why do you ask? Mala-chan: You'll see! Ahahahahahahahahaha, aha, aha! >So their opinion, while I guess it should still be considered, Marle: You better believe it! >is far less important. If I’m wrong, let’s see them tell me >I’m wrong, right here. Marle: OK, not only are you wrong, you're also *Deleted due to the laws of Geocities* >That’s really it. All: Huzzah! *All break out confetti and noisemakers* >I know a great many of you are secretly with me All: WE AREN'T! >and ashamed to admit it, so speak out. Mala-chan: -and prepare your mailboxes for flames and viruses. >And for those of you against me, I dare you to even try and >rebut every single one of my points. Krelian: What points? >It may seem easy, but in the end I doubt you’ll get far. All: *cough*bulls#!t!*cough*bulls#!t*cough* --------------------------------------------- [E.C.] Mala-chan: My, wasn't that... useless? Marle: What was the point of it? Even for an attack on games, it wasn't very good. All he did was keep repeating, "RPGs are bad, RPGs are bad," and didn't hae any evidence that RPGs cause violence. "Voilence", maybe... Krelian: What are we going to do to them for making us read that so-called "editorial"? Mala-chan: Heh, I know. Dycedarg, we got the next two chapters of "Messila's Journey"? Dycedarg: Yes, we do. Mala-chan: *Cheerfully* Then send 'em up! Dycedarg: Gladly. *Presses a button* [SOL] *Rini, Rudy, and Ramza are still on the bridge* Rini: WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN! --------------------------- To be continued... E-mail comments to me at: Lessa990@aol.com or fear the wraith of Ramus! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Season one: ------------------ Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest" Episode 102: Raging Double Feature ("Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage") Episode 103: "The Cursed Waters" Episode 104: "The Jonathanlizers" Episode 105: "Final Fantasy VII: The Untold Story" Episode 106: "The Return of Lord Thinker" Episode 107: "Get Rich Quick" spam. Episode 108: "Don't Freak Out" Episode 109a: "The Price of Redemption" parts 1-3 Xenogears interludes: ------------------------- Episode 109b: "The Price of Redemption" parts 4-5 Episode 201a: "Messila's Journey" part 1 Season Two: ---------------- Episode 202: "Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development" Other MSTings: ------------------ Episode 000: "Rebirth" (MSTed with Nick)