Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft. Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision or Contrail, the latter being the newer name for the company. Suikoden is copyrighted by Konami. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; "FFVII: The Untold Story" is owned by Wade Carpenter. No offense is meant by theMSTing of the fic. Just think of it as a funny C&C. Don't hurt me... <=8 Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff) Ah, gratutious violence and bad lime scenes... the earmarks of the "FFVII: The Untold Story" series. At least Cait Sith and Yuffie were left out of the hentai scenes. _My_ head would've exploded if they were. (Rudy: And yet even though you make like 20 refs to yaoi, you still whine about that Yuffie scene.) But I *BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUM!* like Yuffie. It's not right, I tell ya! NOT RIGHT! *weep* And poor Barret, being so OOC through the whole thing... *sniffle* With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ---------------------------------------- (Singer) In the not too distant future, (Methinks it was next Thursday) A bunch of poor suckers Have some hell to pay! A group of evil people, led by Mala-chan, They were bored one day, so they dreamed up a plan. They choose some people they didn't like, Then they sent those poor victims into space and- *B-ko cackles* (Mala-chan) We'll send them crappy fanfics, As many as we can find! (Lalala!) (Marle) They'll have to sit and read them all! (Dycedarg) And they'll slowly lose their minds! (Lalala!) (Singer) Now keep in mind they can't control Where the fanfics begin or end. (Lalala!) To try to keep their sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Rudy! (No Parappa!) Ramza! (Why me?) Lucca! (I'm a genius!) Gremio! (The stew!) Jaaaaaaaaaack! (Oh bugger...) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science fact, Just think to yourself, "It's just a file, I should really just relax, For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever' *Twang!* [The SOL (Not the "Satellite of Love", though)] *We briefly see the screen with Mala-chan and company on it, laughing evilly. The screen goes black. Rudy, Lucca, Jack, and Ramza are on the bridge* Rudy: We're up against him again. Ramza: ......... Jack: Can we escape with our sanity again? Lucca: Forget sanity, will we make it out _alive_?! *Gremio walks on the bridge* Gremio: You look disturbed. Rudy: With good reason. We're getting the next part of *BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!* "FFVII: The Untold Story". *shudder* The first part nearly broke Lucca and Jack and I still have nightmares about Cait Sith and Cloud... Ramza: I can still see it when I close my eyes. *weep* Gremio: Good grief! How bad _is_ that story?! Rudy: _Bad_, Gremio. _REALLY bad_. *The lights fash and the klaxons go off* AND WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Fleaswallow. You buy a bottle cap and go on. Door 4: It's K'Z'K! You show her the Book of Gued (ue = u umlout) and she dies. You move forward Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's a floating eyeball! You use your mighty pointy stick and defeat it. Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating (L-R): Ramza, Gremio, Rudy, Lucca, Jack* Rudy: OK, here goes nothing! Ramza: ......... >Final Fantasy VII >The Untold Story >Continued Rudy, Ramza, Lucca, and Jack: EEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIL!! >By: Wade Carpenter Rudy: The name that'll forever live in infamy in the minds of all those who read this story. >In the beautiful town of Sanfransico. Ramza: I'd make a "The Birdcage" joke right here, but it's too early. Lucca: It's _"San Fransisco"_, not _"Sanfransico"_! You'd think you'dve gotten the spelling right this time! >"POLICE, POLICE!!!!!!!!" Lucca: Sting can't save us now, pal! Jack: *Thoughtfully* If Lex Luger was with him, maybe... Lucca: Wrong Sting, Jack. >says the clerk "Shut up! We brought the car back!" says Cid. >Then they head out of the depot. Lucca: In fragmented. Sentences. >"The streets are beautiful in Sanfransico." Says Tifa >"Not as beautiful as you." Says Cloud Ramza (Tifa): Oh, and those rabid turkeys are so beautiful! Jack (Cloud): Not as beautiful as you, dear. >"Shut up Cloud no one wants to hear you stinking voice." Says >Tifa Ramza: Go, Tifa! Jack: Second cousin of Commented Crono. >"Well I guess yall better be heading to the airport. >Kaboom and I decided to stay here. This is where we belong." Lucca (Blamman): We're in love and they accept us here! Rudy: o/~ Love lift us up where we belong... o/~ >Says Blamman Jack: Distant uncle of Says Cloud. >"Please come with us. We may need your help." Gremio (Aeris as Leia): Help me, Obi-wan Blamman, you're my only hope! >Says Aeris Jack: Owner of a flower shop Commented Crono once visited. Rudy: *Anime sweatdrop* Jack... >"No. We can't go Asia isn't our country, Lucca: That's because Asia is a _CONTINENT_, you dipstick! >America is, and if we did go we wouldn't be able to get >back. Gremio: o/~ Asia, Asia/ Once you pass it's borders, yooooooooooouuuuuuu/ Can never go home again! >We can't hold wallets in these damn tights anyway." Says >Blamman. Gremio: So the men- Ramza: -manly men- Gremio: -men in tights can't carry money? Rudy: Somewhere, Mel Brooks weeps because of you two. >Later at the Sanfransisco airport. "We would like nine tickets >to Midgar, Japan." Lucca (Clerk): I'm sorry, but Midgar IS ON ANOTHER STINKIN' PLANET! Rudy: *Anime sweatdrop* Lucca, calm down... >Says Cid "Well alright that will be three-hundred and four >dollars. Lucca: That for _each_ ticket, right? >Give me a min. to get your tickets." Rudy: There's the "min." again... Lucca: *growl* >Says the clerk. The clerk turns around to get the tickets and >sees a photo on the wall and the picture is of the group, Ramza: -naked. Rudy: Flashing back to the first part... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! >it says "Wanted for Murder". She turns around quietly Jack: Primera Black _is_ the clerk! >then looks at the group then looks at the picture. Ramza (Clerk): Ugly lot, aren't they? >Then she walks up to the group and says. Jack (Primera): ......... >"I'm sorry but I can't give you any tickets." Jack: OK, so maybe it isn't Primera. >"Why?" asks Cid "I can't say, but I can say this: GUARDS, >GUARDS!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!" yells the clerk Gremio: Not even Terry Prachett can save you now, miss. >"What the?!" says Barret. Then Cid sees the picture and tells >the group to run, Lucca: *Fumes* Because, as we all know, _Cid_ is the leader. >and they run as fast as they can out of the airport. All: *British* Run away! Run away! >Later at a small unknown airport. "We would like nine >tickets to Midgar, Japan please." Says Cid to the clerk and >while checking for any pictures of them. Lucca: And the grammar. >"Sure that will be five-hundred dollars." Says the clerk Lucca: Each, right? >"FIVE-HUNDRED DOLLARS?!" says Cid Rudy (Cid as Chris Rock): Good lo'd, that'a a lotta money! >"Yes and if you have a problem with that you just go to Ramza: -hell. Rudy: Then they'd be here. Ramza: ... good point. >the large airport and pay there price." Says the clerk in >an angry voice Lucca: "Learn some grammar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Says Lucca in a _REALLY_ angry voice. >"Ok, we'll pay." Says Cid. Then he hands her the five-hundred >dollars. She turns around gets the tickets and gives them to >Cid Ramza: But they explode and the FF7 cast dies, the end. >"The plane won't be leaving till 9:00 AM tomorrow morning." All but Gremio: Uh oh... Gremio: What? Rudy: "9 AM tomorrow". Ramza: Overnight. Lucca: Hotel room. Jack: Utterly wrong lemon scene. Gremio: WHAT?!? All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! >Says the clerk. Then Cid says that's fine and everyone walks >away. Rudy: *Angrily* Of course it's fine for him! He's the one who gets all the chicks! Jack: Wait... doesn't the author also go by the nickname "Cid"? Lucca: Oh Megami-sama, it's pseudo-SI! >The group head out into the streets of Sanfransisco. Jack: o/~ In the streets of Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanfransisco... o/~ Lucca: He doesn't even keep the same spelling! Who is this guy, Dark Thinker?!? >As they walk along the sidewalk a door flies open and knocks >Barret in the face. Jack: KABONG! Ramza: It bashes his nose in, where the cartilige splinters and pierces his brain and kills him, the end. >The blow knocks him on to the ground. Rudy: TOGG! >Barret slowly rises to his feet to see a teenage boy standing >in the doorway. The teenager is about 16 with black hair, >brown eyes, and a towel rapped around his head. Gremio (Towel): H to the E to the R to the O, here comes your hero, ho, here we go! Rudy: *growl* parappa... Jack: I sass that hoopy Hadji; now there's a frood who really knows where his towel is. >"Oh mister I'm so sorry this was totally my bad." Says the teen. >"YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!" Ramza (Barret): Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! >yells Barret as he picks the teen up by his neck and throws him >through a glass window. Rudy: And so starts the gratuitous, pointless violence. >Supprised, but not caring, Ramza: Cloud? >the group follow Barret down the street. Later at a coffee >shop. Lucca (Phoebe): o/~ Smelly cat, smelly cat... o/~ Hanpan: CAT?!? WHERE?!? HIDE ME!! >"Man, when Barret throw that kid his face looked like it was >going to pop." Gremio: Which brand? *rimshot* >Whispers Cloud to Aeris. "CLOUD!!! If I hear you say one more >goddamn words you will join that towel wearing dufus in that >window! I told you to keep you fucking mouth shut!!" yells >Barret. Lucca: *Stunned* My goddess, it's full of bad grammar and foul language... Rudy: Sorta like South Park, but not funny. >"Well I guess we should go." Says Cid. All: GOOD IDEA! *Get up to leave* Mala-chan's voice: SIT YOUR BUTTS DOWN! It's not even halfway through yet! Rudy: Not even...?! Jack: ... halfway done?!? Ramza: Shoot me, shoot me now... Lucca: *Unnervingly calm* ......... *Her helmet shoots off her head like a rocket and explodes* >"Yea. Lets go." Agrees Tifa. Tifa leads the group out the dinner Lucca: *Monotone* That would be a difficult task... >door, but a blonde hair, blue eyed, 16 teen year old run right >into the door and falls back. Gremio: WATAK! >"Oh my god are you ok." Citan's voice: It's Ben Stein again! Fei's voice: My, he's a popular character actor in these fics. Rudy: Huh? >Says Tifa as she bends over to help him up. Ramza: I just hope that Beavis and Butthead don't appear here. >The teen raises his head to stare straight down Tifa's chest, >and she didn't have a bra on. Jack: But given her shape, wouldn't that make it difficult to stand up straight? Hanpan: I never thought I'd ever say this, but Jack, just don't think about it for once. >"Oh how would I just love to lick those beautiful tits... Lucca: You and hundreds of fanboys (and maybe some fangirls). Gremio: I sense something painful will be in store for him very soon... >Oh no! Did I say that out loud?" asks the perverted teen. "YOU >PERFERTED FUCKER!!!!!" Lucca (Tifa): YOU PERVERTED ONE, TOO! Jack (Terrence): o/~ Shut your (*^(ing face, Perferted (*&^er... o/~ >yells Tifa as she kicks the teen right square in the balls. Jack (Cartman): And he cried, justlikeNancyKerrigan! Gremio (Kyle): DID NOT! >He flips backwards twice until hitting the ground. All males: (O.O);; *Cross legs unconfortably* Lucca: Whoa! I wonder where I can learn to do that? *All males stare at Lucca, then move a seat away from her* >"Jonny! You disserve that you perverted freak!" Lucca: He "deserves" it, too. Rudy: No one deserves _that_! O.o;; Jack: I second that! O.o;;; >says a girl as she lifts Johnny to his feet. "Hi. My name is >Jessie, Rudy (James): And I'm James. Lucca (Jessie): And we're Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light! Rudy (James): Surrender now or prepare to fight! Hanpan (Meowth): Meowth! That's right! >what's yours?" asks Jessie. "Tifa." Says Tifa. "Well Tifa you're >going to have to teach me that kick some day, it might come in >handy. Jack (Jack Handy): If you see a 3 foot tall spider, you should run, not try to smoosh it with a piece of toilet paper and try to flush it; that just won't work. Rudy: Jack, where did _that_ come from? *Jack shrugs* >Oh yea that's Haji" Says Jessie. "What happened here?" Says Haji >with bandages raped all over his body. All: TENTACLES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Lucca: I've never heard of tentacle scenes with males before. *Pause* And I wish I never DID! EEEEEEEEEEEEEWW! >"YOU!!!!" yells Barret. He runs up and picks Haji up by the neck >and throws him through another window. Gremio: Don't tell me this is a running gag now... Rudy: It should do us all a favor and run off a cliff. >"What did you do that for?" asks Cloud. Lucca: Maybe because _EVERYONE'S OUT OF BLEEDIN' CHARACTER_?!? >"Cloud. Do you remember what I said to you in the coffee shop?" Gremio (Cloud): Uh, "I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour?" >asks Barret... "Um. Oh yea! You said if I said another word you >would throw... me... through... a... window. OH NO!" says Cloud. Ramza: Oh YES! *insane giggling* Rudy: *Looks at Ramza strangely* Ramza, get help. >Then Barret picks up Cloud and throws him through a window right >next to Haji. "Enough of this. We need to find a place to sleep >for the night. *All shudder* >Lets go." Says Cid. >"What about Cloud? Jack (Cloud): What about me?! What about Cloud??! >He can't walk." Asks Aeris. Jack: Third cousin of Says Tifa on her father's side. >"I know. Barret you started the mess you finish it. Lucca (Aeris): You're gonna have to pay child support on that baby you and Yuffie made in the first story! Rudy: *Anime sweatdrop* Lucca, now is not the time to "reminince" about the first part... >Carry Cloud to the hotel." Rudy: Oh great, now it's gonna be yaoi... Lucca: Doubtful. The writer's male and hasn't made one actual yaoi scene yet. There was just robotality... *gag* Gremio: Say WHAT?! >Says Tifa. "How are you going to make me?" asks Barret. Lucca (Tifa): You saw what I did to Johnny, didn't you? *All males move another seat away from her* >"If you don't you'll be laying next to him!" says Tifa. Ramza: That would scare anyone, a scene _like_ that with Cloud... Rudy: She meant she'd deck him, Ramza, not _that_... >"Alright." Says Barret. After a long walk the group finally >come across a Motel 6. Gremio: Where's the nine? Jack: GREMIO! Gremio: What? You keep on saying there's going to be a utterly wrong sex scene, so wouldn't it be fitting if there was a nine there? Jack: ......... >"Is this it!" says Yuffie. "It's all we can afford. All our >money went into the plane tickets." Says Cid. Rudy (Cid): And that hooker- Jack: RUDY! Gremio (Cloud): She was a chicken, I tell ya! A giant chicken! Jack: *urk!* GREMIO! >As Cid goes and pays for the tickets the rest of the group talk >between themselves Ramza: Then they got a little verklempt, then compared Barbara Streisand to a stick of butter... >as they wait for Cid. Meanwhile at a certain coffee shop ever Lucca (Phoebe): o/~ Smelly cat, smelly cat/ It's not your fault! o/~ Hanpan: CAT?!? WHERE?! PROTECT ME, JACK!! >one remembers. "Oooooohhhhhh!" mumbles Jonny. "Haji... Rudy: *Wide-eyed* In PUBLIC?!? Ramza: You were saying, Lucca? Lucca: Wow... Details, man, details! Rudy: NO! NO DETAILS! The Cait Sith thing was more than enough! >You ok?" asks Jonny. Jack: Don't you get it? _Nothing_ is OK here! NOTHING! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! *Takes out a rune* JUSTINE! Come forth and destroy the madness! *Justine, the Guardian of Courage, appears and slashes the screen with an energized sword. Only a small section of the screen remains* >"I think I need more bandages." Says Haji right before he passes >out at Jonny's feet. Rudy: I think that's out cue to leave... *All exit* *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *Everyone stands on the bridge. Those who just came out of the theater are looking really frazzled* Rudy: *Visibly shaking* Oh.. oh man, this is bad... Jack: *Clutching his sword* Must... stop... the pain... Must... destroy... those who sent it! *insane laugh* Lucca: *Completely snapped* I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Ramza: *About to snap as well; unnervingly quiet* ......... I want to go home......... Gremio: You people have to deal with this on a regular basis?!? How do you stay sane?!? Lucca: *Grabs Hiro by the collar and shakes him* KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!! Hiro: He~e~e~~lp me~e~e~e~! Rini: People, you gotta calm down! *No one listens to her* Guys! *No reponse* GUYS! QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!! *Everyone stops and looks at her. She pauses to regain her composure, then begins to speak* People, you have to calm down! No fic can be worth _this_ fuss! Jack: You weren't there! It's EVIL! EVIL, I say! Rudy: No, wait, Jack. She does have a point... Lucca: YES! POINTY OBJECTS! *Tries to pry Jack's sword out of his hands* Rini: *sigh* They're not listening... Rudy: Well, that's obvious. *Pause* Hmm... what would Jessy de Alkirk do in this situation? Rini: Yeah, what would Jessy de Alkirk do? *Music starts* All but Rini and Rudy: NO! NO SINGING THAT SONG! Rudy: *Music stops* Will you settle down and be rational? All but Rini and Rudy: NO! Rudy: Well then, Rini? Rini: Right! *Music strats again* All but Rudy and Rini: OK, OK! WE WON'T LET IT GET TO US! Rudy: *Music stops* OK then. *The lights flash and klaxons go off* WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN! *Door Sequence... aw, you bloody well saw the first one, didn't you?* Rudy: We _will_ emerge victorious! Jack: Nothing will stop us now! Gremio: I must make it through or else! Lucca: She'll never break our spirits! NEVER! Ramza: C'mon, fic, show us what you got! >At the Motel. All: O.o;; Ramza: *Anime sweatdrop* On second thought... >"Well it's about time you got those rooms." Says Yuffie. Rudy (Yuffie): I hope I don't get paired up with Barret this time. With Aeris, maybe- *WHAM!* What, so you can make all those yaoi comments, but I can't say one thing about lesbians?! Lucca: You got it. >Then everyone asks for their key. Rudy: Run, Key! Don't let them touch you! Jack: You like Key? How fitting. Rudy: Shove it, Jack. Lucca: Hmm... _has_ Wild ARMs yaoi been done yet? Rudy and Jack: !! O.o;; Rudy: Don't say that! You'll give people ideas! Voice: Hmm... Jack: Don't. You. Dare. *Draws sword* >"There's one problem... Rudy: Our problem is that we're being threatened by a voice with a slashfic. Help us! Lucca: Heh, heh, heh! >We could only afford two rooms." Says Cid. "WHAT!!!!!!" yells >everyone. Lucca: And uses improper grammar. *growl* >"I'm sorry but everyone will have to share a room." Says Cid. Lucca (Cid): -so you can have an orgy. Rudy (Bubble): An orgayh? I thought you didn't do sex... >"What do you mean? I thought you said we had two rooms." Lucca (Cid): Well, I get a room to myself so you guys can have group se- Jack: LUCCA! Enough! >Asks Barret. "Well I had to pay for my room out of my own pocket." Gremio: Well, of course the room's out of your pocket! It wouldn't bloody well fit in your pocket, now would it? Rudy: *To Gremio* I take it you went to the Jack Van Burace School of Taking Things Literally. Jack: It looks like it- HEY! >Says Cid. Later that night. "Everyone get some rest we have a big >day a head of us." Says Cid. Ramza (Cid): We all commit ritual suicide tomorrow! >"Yea, yea." Says everyone. "Move over your crushing me." Says Tifa. Ramza: I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush, crush, CRUSH! Rudy: Ramza, get help _NOW_. >"I can't!" says Cloud. "Damnit Hanpan: o/~ Janet!/ I love you... o/~ >Cloud!!!" yells Tifa as she jumps Cloud and starts beating the >shit out of him. Ramza: I like Tifa now. ^___^-n >Then everyone gets into a big fight. All: Whew! Rudy: No sex scene there! Lucca: Yippee! Ramza: You think there one be one now? Jack: I hope not... Gremio: Uh, aren't we forgetting about Cid? *Pause* Rudy: May Zephyr protect us... >Meanwhile in Cid's room. "Ahhh. Lots of room." Says Cid as he >stretches out on his king-size bed. Jack: Kinda like the one Elmina had back in Artica... Rudy: I don't wanna know how you know that... >Then a knock disturbs him. Lucca: It was strangely... erotic. Jack: Lucca! Gremio: Cid's a furnisexual like Rufus Shinra? >He gets up walks to the door and opens it. "Jessie?" wonders Cid. Jack (Jessiah Black): Have you seen Primera? She wandered off and... >"It's to crowded in there, can I sleep with you?" asks Jessie. Gremio: This does not bode well... >"Sure... I guess." Says Cid. Cid lays down on the bed and Jessie >lays beside him. Jack (Jessiah Black): Are you sure I should be here? I mean, my son's waiting for me to come back to look for Prim... >Then out of no where Jessie grabs Cid and kisses him. Lucca: Interdimensional yaoi! *insane giggle* All else: LUCCA! >"What was that for?" asks Cid. "I want to have sex!" says >Jessie. "Oh sex... WHAT!!!!" yells Cid. Lucca (Cid): But Jessie, you need to go find Primera! >"I can't have sex with Jonny or Haji they are just to gay." Says >Jessie. Lucca (Jessiah Black): Just like my son and that sand pirate. I tell ya, the boy ain't right, but if it makes him happy... Jack: *Anime sweatdrop* I should never have started that Jessie Bannon/Jessie Black gag... >"Well..." Cid tries to talk but Jessie plants another big one on >him, Gremio: Planted what, a giant sequoia? Lucca: No, the "sequoia's" elsewhere. Ramza: More like a sapling. *chuckle* >and Cid is finally kissed into it. Jessie pulls down Cid's boxers >and takes off her nightshirt. Rudy: *Facefaults* Why have you forsaken us, Guardians?!? O.o;; Lucca: Oog.. >.< Gremio: *Faints* X.X Jack: Justine, give me strength... (O.O);; Ramza: Bleh. Xp >Then she goes to sit on Cid's dic... Rudy: His DiC? Ramza: So _he's_ responsible for the crappy Sailor Moon dub! Urge to kill... rising... >"STOP!!!!!" says the same mysterious voice from the first Untold >Story. Ramza: It's Mysterious Voice Man! *Gremio wakes up* Rudy: We're SAVED! Lucca: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! Jack: Woo hoo! Gremio: I don't follow you, but he did stop the lemon scene... >"Sorry I'm late I had to take a shit. All: WE DON'T CARE! Rudy: You came; that's all we need to know. Lucca: You're still my hero! ^_^-<3<3<3 >Anyway as I said before under parent law 53 this kind of >perverted crap can't be read by anyone so lets go straight to >the next day." Says the voice. Rudy: Tell that to lemon writers. *shudder* Ramza: Thanks again! ^_^-n Lucca: Stop by anytime! ^_^-<3<3<3 >"Rise and shine everyone it's time to start a brand new >day." Says Cid. Lucca: The master of EVIL BAD LIME SCENES! *eye twitch* Rudy: Whoa, dude! It could be worse... Lucca: Don't you dare say "It could be Oscar!" There was a scene about Cloud and Cait Sith, you know. Rudy: *Anime sweatdrop* Oh, right... ^^;; >Everyone slowly gets up and gets dressed. All: (O.o);;; Ramza: *Weakly* Bomp chicka bomp *urk!*... Jack: Justine, protect us... ~.~;; Gremio: *Faints* X.X Lucca: ... I don't care if I'm underage, I need a drink! O.o;; Rudy: Care for company? O.o;; >Then they head back out into the streets of Sanfrancisco. Rudy: *Weakly* Then Tifa proceeded to sell her... Oh, hell, I can't say it! This story is sapping my will to say hentai things! >The group calmly walks toward the piece of shit airport. Gremio: o/~ Piece of s#!t airport/ He's got a piece of s#!t airpo~rt/ That f*%&ing pile of s#!t never gets him very fa~r/ Oh f*&k you, plane. o/~ Jack: Ooo, no one's gonna get that one... >As they do two shadowy figures appear over the hill, and Barret >seems to recognize both of them. Jack (Barret): Dipsy! Laa-laa! My daughter Marlene loves you guys! >"YOU!!!!!" yells Barret. "OOOOOHHHHHHH SSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!" yells Haji, Rudy: Ooo, someone's got a potty mouth, ne? >and he skips away as fast as he can on crutches Gremio: o/~ Skip, skip, skip to my loo... o/~ Lucca: *Same melody* o/~ -a~nd you, I will do- o/~ All else: LUCCA! >and Jonny follows as Barret takes chase. Ramza: But chase pulls out a machine gun and blasts Barret full of holes, the end. >"They're dead." Says Cid. Rudy: Barret Wallace stars in the production of "_Haji_ and Johnny Are Dead." >"Yup." Says Tifa. Not to far down the road Barret catches up to >Haji easily (of course how can Haji run from anyone when he is >on crutches) Jack: He was doing fine for a little while there, tho'. >and Barret slams Haji's head through a wall Gremio: Uh, wouldn't he be dead now? Rudy: Logic has no meaning here, Grem. We are in... The Carpenter Zone. >then pulls him out of the wall unconscious Ramza: And dead. Don't forget dead. >so Barret puts Haji on his back and runs after Jack: CLONG! Rudy: *British* Bring out your dead! Oh, that Mr. T lookalike is bringing out his dead... And he's running right past me. Ooookay... >Jonny. Ramza: Run, run little man! Run from the OOC Barret! >Barret grabs Jonny and puts him on his shoulder and runs toward >the airport. Lucca (Barret): We goin' to some Middle Eastern country where poligamy is legal- *WHAP!* Rudy: Will you quit it with the yaoi already?!? Jeez! >Back with the rest of the group who don't give a shit >that Barret just ran away with two retards on his back. Gremio: Hey, Hadji's the smart on in the group! Jack: He said _Haji_, not Hadji, remember? Gremio: Oh, right. Who the hell is Haji, then? Hadji's evil twin? >"When is Barret going to get over Haji and what he did?" asks >Aeris. "Ah who gives a shit." Says Vincent. Rudy: We don't give a s#!t, but Lucca could give you a f- *WHAM!* Lucca: RUDY NO BAKA!! What kinda girl do you think I am?! >"Hey Vincent I forgot you were back there. Damn your so quiet." Lucca: Not when compared to Crono. Ramza: Or most non-FF main character, for that matter. >Says Cloud. Then Vincent grabs Cloud and slams him against a >wall. "OW!!!!" says Cloud. Rudy (Xelloss as Cloud): Ooo, could you do that again, but harder? ^_^ Xelloss: *Magically appears in the theater* Someone ask for me? ^_^ Rudy: *blink*blink* That's the last time I make a Slayers ref here... Lucca (Gourry): Uh, huh? *Nothing happens* Damn. >At the airport. Barret runs in and heads toward a plane. Ramza: Then it runs him over and he _dies_, the end. Xelloss: A... plane? What is this "plane" thing they speak of? ^_^ *ZAAAP!* ow... Do that again? ^_^ Voice: Sorry, I was just enabling you to make up-to-date wisecracks... >"Ohhhh. Were are we?" says Haji. Xelloss and Lucca (Johnny): Oh, it was that good? Jack: Great, we have stereo perverts... >Then Barret pulls Haji off his shoulder and slams his head into >the ground. Then Barret strips the clothes off Haji and Jonny Xelloss: This Barret fellow sounds like fun! ^_^ Rudy: You would say that, you sick bastard. Xelloss: Oh, you flatter me, my lovely. ^_^ >then throws them into a plane full off nuns praying. Xelloss: ... maybe he's not that fun after all. ^_^;; >The plane takes off and the nuns finish praying. As they open >their eyes they see two teenage boys bare butt naked one >standing and one lying on the floor. Lucca (Random nun): Our prayers have been answered! >Haji wakes up just in time to see a church bag flying into his >face and the nuns beat the living shit out of Jonny and Haji. All: O.o;; Xelloss: What kinda nuns are they?! ^_^;; Ramza: I've heard of warrior monks, but warrior _NUNS_?!? >The rest of the group finally arrives at the airport. "Barret >what did you do with Jonny and Haji?" asks Jessie. Xelloss (Barret): Oh, we just had a menage a- Jack: *Draws his sword* MAGNUM FANG! *Magical spike pierce Xelloss, then vanish* NO MORE YAOI CRACKS! Xelloss: ow... Do that again, but harder? ^_^ Jack: *Facefaults* What the...?!? >"Oh they uh... seen the light." Xelloss: The light beer, that is. *Makes a "drinky-drinky" guesture* Rudy: Will you just shut up and let us speak, weirdo? Xelloss: Make me. ^_^ >Says Barret. Then the group gets on the plane. Ramza: And it explodes, the end. >As they sit down Tifa looks around the plane and sees a couple >of faces that she hoped she would never see again. Rudy: Alhazad? Jack: Alhazad in _drag_? Lucca: Lavos? Ramza: Mala-chan? Gremio: No, no, it must be that Kenneth Starr fellow! >"Yea kick ass!" says one teen. Rudy: *bawls* No~~~, not them again! Jack: *ditto* This is so stuuuuuuuupid! Lucca: *Whines* Why, Megami-sama, WHY?!? >Tifa turns back around in her chair and thinks to herself. Lucca: My, now that's a feat. >Then she quietly gets up and sits beside Cid. "Cid look >behind you Xelloss (Cid): Oh, it's just Vincent wanting sex again- *WA-TAK!* Jack: (*^( it, no more yaoi comments! We're over our quota as is! >to the right." Whispers Tifa into Cid's ear. All but Rudy: Check and turn the signals to the right! Rudy: *grumble* parappa... >Cid turns to look and he sees Beavis and Butthead Xelloss: -mindlessly screw- *BANG!* Lucca: Now that's crossing the line of good taste, Xelloss! Xelloss: It was pushing it, wasn't it? ^_^;; >the two teens that got them arrested when they first got to >Sanfransico. Gremio and Xelloss: ??? Rudy: Don't ask. Just... don't ask. >Then he turns back around whispers something into Tifa's ear Rudy (Ed as Tifa): OK, that'll be eight bucks... Jack: RUDY! >and Tifa gets up and sits beside Cloud and whispers something Ramza (Cloud): What?! Hang me up by my toes?!? >in his ear. Tifa gets back up and the stewardess walks up to >her. Lucca: *gasp!* He spelled "stewardess" right this time! Rudy: It's a miracle! >"Miss... You should get back in your seat the plane is about >to take off." Lucca: The grammar... It's getting better! Not perfect, but better. >Tifa goes back to her sit and then the plane takes off. Once >the plane levels out Xelloss: ... it crashes and they die, the end? Ramza: Hey! I'm supposed to make the dark comments here, you! Xelloss: ^_^ >Tifa gets back up and taps Cloud on the shoulder and then Cid. >"Lets go." Whispers Tifa to Cloud and Cid. Xelloss: Ooo, a threesome- *WA-TAK!* ^_^ >Then the three walk up behind Beavis and Butthead. Xelloss: ... or not. ^_^;; >Tifa acts as a stewardess and tells B&B Jack: Then B&B heard some R&B, ate some PB&J- Xelloss: *Gleefully* -then engaged in S&M! *WHAM!* Where did you get that lovely mallet, Lucca? ^_^ Lucca: Argh, he's _impossible_! >that they are supposed to be in the first class section. >Being the idiots they are they Gremio: -forgot to close the door! Xelloss (Parappa): They forgot to close the door! *WHAM!* ^_^ Rudy: NO PARAPPA! >follow Tifa, Cloud, and Cid. They come up to the planes >emergency door and Cid opens it. Ramza and Xelloss: Then all the air was sucked out of the plane and they died, the end. Ramza: Stop that! Xelloss: ^_^ >Tifa tells B&B that first class is in there, not being able >to see shit B&B step up to the door and cloud and Tifa push >them out. *Rudy, Ramza, Lucca, and Jack cheer* >Then the stewardess walks up. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU >DOING!!!!!!??????... Jack: Dude, she has a monopoly on puncutation marks! Xelloss: *chuckle* Funny she should use those words... Rudy: Chibi, can't you get him outta here?! Voice: Why? He's fun! >ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL!!!??? CLOSE THAT DAMN DOOR!!!!!" Jack (Cartman): Seriouslah, Ah'll kick you in the- Rudy: _No_, Jack. >yells the stewardess. So Cid closes the door and the three >walk quietly back to their seats feeling better about the >flight home. Ramza (Cloud): Heheh, we just commited homicide again. Rudy (Cid): Heh, yeah... >As the plane lands at Midgar Airport Cloud Xelloss: Uh... huh? ^_^;; Lucca: Grammar is thrown out the window yet again... Ramza: ... along with Beavis and Butthead... >gets a strange feeling Lucca: *Quickly* Sohewentthroughpubertyjust_now_? Rudy: Whoa, dude! Xelloss: No fair beating me to the punch! ^_^;; Lucca: Chibi, please, get him outta here! He's stealing our schticks! Voice: OK, OK! Just give me some time... >that he is being summoned, then he grabs Tifa by >the arm as she tried to get off the plane. Rudy and Xelloss: Whoa! I knew she was easy, but- Rudy: HEY! Will you just sit down and shut up, Mazoku?! Xelloss: Shut up? No, but I'l sit down if you like... *Sits in Rudy's lap* ^_^ Rudy: Hey! Get offa me, you sick bastard! Xelloss: *Innocently* But you told me to sit down... *pout* >"Tifa, do you feel that?" says Cloud. "Feel what?" says Tifa. Jack: o/~ Caaaaaan you feeeeeeel the looooove toniiiiight? o/~ Xelloss: Speaking of feeling... ^_^ Rudy: Gah! Quit groping me, you pervert! *WHAM!*WHAP!*WA-TAK!* Xelloss: My- oof! Aren't you -ow! Fiesty? ^_^ Voice: Say good bye, Xelloss! Xelloss: Good bye, Xelloss! ^_^ *Vanishes* Rudy: Good timing, tomboy. Voice: I do my best... >"Never mind." Says Cloud. Then the group head back to >headquarters (Tifa's Bar). Gremio: Wasn't that- Lucca: Yep. Just smile and nod, Grem. >Once they arrived at HQ Cloud suddenly felt exhausted, so >he went to Tifa's room and All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! >took a nap. All: Whew! Ramza: SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! >Clouds Dream: As Cloud looks around there's nothing but a >dense fog in complete darkness. Ramza: Cloud is in his mind now. >Then he sees a beautiful woman walking toward him. Rudy: Rally Vincent? >"Cloud." says the woman. "Cloud my name is Shiva Goddess of Rudy and Lucca: THAT'S MEGAMI-SAMA! >Ice. I'm here to tell you that you need to fight Sepiroth Jack: There's the man who killed "Aries" again. >man to man. Ramza: But he'd need to be a _man_ to do that. >If you do and you fight with the greatest courage you will >defeat him with a mighty blow from your sword, and you >shall become the greatest warrior ever to walk the Earth." All: o/~ To dream/ The impossible dream... o/~ >Says Shiva. Jack: First cousin of Says Tifa. Rudy: *Anime sweatdrop* Here we go with "Six Degrees of Commented Crono" again... >"Shiva, why me?" says Cloud. Ramza (Shiva): Because you're expenda- uh, because you're strong. >"I feel a great strength in you everyone else in your >group is weak in the heart, but you, you have the bravest >and purest heart I've ever seen. Rudy: This has _got_ to be the biggest load of horses#!t I have ever seen, and _I_ used to clean the stables in Surf Village. >Now you must awaken and fulfill your destiny." Says Shiva. Gremio: Go west, young Cloud, go west! >Cloud wakes up to Barret smacking him. Ramza: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Honeybee Inn flashbacks! The pain! The pain! >"Cloud get the fuck up god damnit! Gremio: My, isn't _he_ just a ray of sunshine? Lucca: He's not _that_ bad in the actual game, if you look past the Mr. T talk... >Sepiroth is attacking!" yells Barret. "Sepiroth." Thinks Cloud. Ramza: Now _there's_ a paradox. Jack: Brother of Says Cloud. Voice: One more paragraph and you're free! All: YAAAAAAAAAY! >Cloud and Barret exit Tifa's bar to see Sepiroth burning >the town. Gremio (Beavis): FIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRE! >"Sepiroth! Your evil stops here!" Yells Cloud. Jack (Cloud): And on behalf of the Moon, I will punish you! >Once everyone else exits the bar they head straight for >Sepiroth. Gremio: But they never said they were...! But...! Lucca: C'mon, Grem, you made it this far! Just don't think about it! >Then from the corner run in five moogles carrying >instruments All but Gremio: NOT THIS AGAIN! Lucca: It's so STUPID! ^^;; Rudy: Moggles bad! ^^;; Jack: Urge to kill... rising... Ramza: ......... *Gets up and bangs his head against a wall for a minute, then goes back and sits down* >and as the group gets in front of Sepiroth the >moogles start playing the FFVII Boss music. Sepiroth cast >super nova on Tifa, Barret, Cid, Vincent, Cat Sith, Yuffie, >Aeris, and Jessie. Rudy: And they died, the end! Ramza: Hey! Lucca: Ramza, _everyone_ wanted to say that. He was just the fastest. >Leaving only Cloud to fight as everyone else moans and >groans from the blast Cloud walks up and draws his sword. Gremio: Draws it from _WHERE_?! He holds the (^)(&(%*&%& thing during the entire (^&)&)&%( game! Lucca: Uh oh, Grem's goin' Super Nova... *Everyone but Gremio runs to the back of the theater* >Sepiroth and him get into an intense sword fight, then they >lock swords. Jack: EXTREME! SWORD FIGHTING! ACTION! >"You can't win Cloud I have the strength of 100 men." Says >Sepiroth. Rudy (Prince of Space): Your weapons cannot harm me! Hahaha! >"It's my destiny!" says Cloud, Jack (Cloud): o/~ Pokemon!/ Oh, you're my best friend... o/~ >then he pushes Sepiroth into the bar wall. Gremio: But they're _outside_... *Glows faintly red* Lucca (Scotty): He cannae take much more a' this, Cap'n! He's gonna blow! >Sepiroth gets up and starts to hover 10 feet in the air. Ramza: And bashes his skull against the ceiing and _dies_, the end! >He lowers his sword, bows his head, and closes his eyes. Gremio: _BRILLIANT_ (*^&)(*& timing to stop and pray, Seph! *Glows brighter* Rudy: Uh, Chibi? What rune does he have? Voice: Uh... a Fire Rune. ^^;; Rudy: It's not gonna be pretty if he goes berserk... >Seeing the opportunity Cloud gets so cocky his limit breaks >and he uses braver. Gremio: So he immediately forget Omnislash. That's bleedin' _PERFECT_. *growl* >He soars into the air and flies toward Sepiroth with his >sword behind his back ready to slice Sepiroth in half. Ramza: But Seph does that to Cloud, the end. Gremio: CLOUD CAN'T )&)*&%^&% FLY! ARGH! *Gremio's head _implodes_. It reappears with a "ping!"* What was _that_ about?! *All head back to their seats* Rudy: Don't ask. Lucca: That was anti-climantic. >As Cloud heads toward him Sepiroth raises his sword and >Cloud flies right on to of it. The sword goes all the way >through his stomach. Ramza: Ooo, he got taken out, Aeris style. Fritz Fraundorf's voice: CALL HER AERITH! Gremio: Huh? >Cloud slides all the way down to the handle of the sword. Jack: *Winces* Ouch, that's gotta sting. >"How? It was my destiny to destroy you." Says Cloud. "Well >Cloud Jack: Transexual sister of Says Cloud! >I have a secret to tell you I was Shiva in your dream I say >that to you so I could destroy you easily, and I push my self >into the wall you idiot." Gremio: He's pushing himself into the wall right now? Lucca: EXTREME! RUN-ON! ACTION! >Says Sepiroth. Jack: ... nah, I'm over my quota for "Six Degrees of Commented Crono" as is. >After hearing that, Cloud dropped his sword and died on top of >Sepiroth's sword. Gremio: Oh my goddess, they killed Cloud! Ramza: Woo hoo! Yes! *WHAM!* Rudy: NO PARAPPA! >Sepiroth lowered his sword to let Cloud slide off and prepared >to fight again. Suddenly the rats appear and began to chew on >Cloud's body. All: O.o;; Ramza: _Somebody's_ watched too much South Park here. >Cid sat helpless as he watches his friend fall to the ground. Ramza: SPLAT! Gremio (Cid): I feel )&)(&)^$&^ &*%^)&)&) helpless. >Barret also watch the horror and a lonely tear ran down his >cheek as he remembered all the horrible things he had done to >Cloud throughout his life. Lucca: Barret not being portrayed as an overly grouchy and violent person in this story? That's a first. >Then a voice rings off in Cid's head. All: RIIIIIIIIIIIIICOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! >"You are the true chosen one." Lucca (A voice): But first you must recover the three pendants of Lolo, Lala, and Dedede. >Wondering who said that Cid gets up and runs to Vincent and Lucca: -holds Vincent in his arms, whispering sweet nothings- Jack: LUCCA! We're over the quota for the next _week_ as is! >takes his rocket launcher, *Rudy quickly checks to make sure his is in the right place* >then he runs up to where Cloud's body lies and pulls Cloud's >sword out of the ground. Ramza: He is now the true King of England! >He loads the sword into the rocket launcher, and aims it at >Sepiroth. "You son of a bitch!" Jack (Cartman): Ah'll make you cry, justlikeNancyKerrigan! >Yells Cid, then fires the sword into Sepiroth's heart >killing him instantly, Gremio: _Just_ his heart? Voice: It's almost over, Grem. Stay frosty. >and he lands right next to Clouds rotting corpse. "That's >for Cloud." Says Cid. Tifa walks up beside Cid. "It's >over." All: YAY! >Says Tifa. "It will never be over as long as Shin-Ra Inc. >runs this country." Says Cid. All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! >The End Rudy: The two sweetest word we've ever heard. Let's go, everyone. *All exit* *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *Jack is standing in front of the counter* Jack: And now, the epilogue of "FFVII: The Untold Story"... *Walks off screen. Ramza walks out dressed as Cid* Ramza: Hmm, I've already bagged Aeris, Tifa, and Jessie, who else is there? *Rini walks out as Vincent* Rini: Cid, my love! *big overdone stage kiss* *Rudy walks out in a suit* Rudy: Cid Highwind? Ramza: *Breaks away from Rini* Yes? What the hell do you want? *Rudy hands Ramza a piece of paper* Rudy: I represent Mister Race Bannon. He's brought up criminal charges against you. Ramza: For what? Rudy: You slept with his minor daughter, you twit! That's a criminal offense! Ramza: Oh )(&). Rini: No! You're not taking away my Ciddy-kins! *Hugs Ramza tightly* Rudy: Sorry, Mister Vampire, the law is there for a reason. Take him away, boys. *Hiro, Gremio, Lucca, and Charlotte come out dressed as police officers. The latter pull Rini away from Ramza as the others drag him off screen* Ramza's voice: )&)(&()^$^%#@#(@&$!^)$^@($!^*&#@$&$!(@^$(#^% *_^@$)(&$^@)*$^!*&@$^! *Jack walks back out in front of the counter* Jack: Thank you for watching. *Bows. The red button flashes* Rudy: Pixie, Dixie, and Mr. Jinx are calling. *Pushes the button* [E.C.] Mala-chan: When is she gonna get here...? Oh, hello, my dear ones! B-ko has finally recovered and is coming back today! ^_^ Marle: She's running late, tho'. Mala-chan: Anyway, you had better get your inventions ready for next time! Dycedarg, push the button! ^_^ Dycedarg: Yes, ma'am! *FWOOOSH!* *Fade to black* *Roll credits* --------------------------------------------------- THE REAL END E-mail comments to me at: Lessa990@aol.com Beware the Shiny Happy Barrels... Lookie, a shameless plug! Organized Chaos! http://www.crosswinds.net/~rinichan My own site. MSTings, Captions, and more! Just beware the mascot, he can lead you to strange things... >"I can't have sex with Jonny or Haji they are just to gay." Says >Jessie. Season one: ------------------ Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest" Episode 102: Raging Double Feature ("Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage") Episode 103: "The Cursed Waters" Episode 104: "The Jonathanlizers" Episode 105: "Final Fantasy VII: The Untold Story" part 1 Episode 106: "The Return of Lord Thinker" Episode 107: "Get Rich Quick" spam. Episode 108: "Don't Freak Out" Episode 109a: "The Price of Redemption" parts 1-3 Xenogears interludes: ------------------------- Episode 109b: "The Price of Redemption" parts 4-5 Episode 201a: "Messila's Journey" part 1 Episode 203: "Ash's New Friend" Season Two: ---------------- Episode 202: "Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development" Episode 201b: "Messila's Journey" part 2 Episode 201c: "Mesilla's Journey" part 3 Episode 204: "FFVII: The Untold Story" part 2 Other MSTings: ------------------ Episode 000: "Rebirth" (MSTed with Nick) Episode 001: Stephen Gohan's letter to the GIA (MSTed with Katana Angel)