Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics, Final Fantasy 7, and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft Wild ARMs is copyrighted by Media Vision. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; "Battle of the Strongest" belongs to ssjgokux, and that dude can keep it. The intent of this MSTing is not to offend/insult ssjgokux , but to simply riff the story. Please don't hurt or flame me. <=8 Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Crap) *Actions and narrations* are like that. This is my first MSTing. Be afraid, be very afraid, and watch out for the bunnies. They bite. =:) Ack! There's one now! With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ---------------------------------------- [Filgaia] *Rudy, Jack and Cecilia are walking through central Adlehyde. Rudy seems to be keeping something away from Cecilia, who is walking next to him* Rudy: *Firmly* For the last time, go away! You are _not_ getting my candy! Cecilia: Aw, come on. Just one little piece? *Big glittery eyes* Rudy: The last time you said that, you took the bag and ran. Cecilia: But that was weeks ago! Jack: Act your age, you two. Rudy: Like you should talk; you still watch "Sesame Street"! Hanpan: *Smugly* He got you there, Jack. Jack: *Indignantly* Who asked you? Female Voice: C-ko! There you are! *A mysterious figure grabs Cecilia and flies off* Rudy: What the- *A portal appears under Rudy and Jack, causing them to fall in* [Ivalice] *Ramza, Mustadio, and Alma are in a room in Beoulve Mannor. Ramza seems pissed, Mustadio looks frightened, and Alma is just indifferent* Ramza: You've been doing _WHAT_ with my sister?! Mustadio: Now calm down, Ramza... ^^;; Ramza: Calm down?! CALM DOWN?!? *A portal appears under Ramza. He falls in it* Mustadio: Dude, this is pretty f^*^ed up right here! O.O; [Lucca's house] Lucca: *Is working on a defunct Time Key* C'mon, work, you screwy piece of crap! *Hits the machine and disappears* Crono: ............! O.O *Hits the machine a couple of times, but nothing happens* Ayla: Ayla help! *Smashes the machine into small, unrecogizable pieces* Crono: *Angry expression* .............!! Ayla: Ayla sorry. Crono: .......... Ayla: *Nods* Ayla get help. *Leaves* Crono: .......... ~.~;; [Somewhere in Nerima] *Three women are walking down the street. One of them has brown hair with a purplish tinge to it pulled up into a braid and is in a school uniform similar to A-ko's (Rini). Another of them has short, wavy blonde hair and is wearing along trenchcoat and some other stuff (Pretty vague, ne? This one's Misa). The last one is wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shorts and has her dark hair in a samurai- type ponytail (Pansy)* Misa: You sure this is where the next AAA match is being held? Rini: You want the truth or a lie? Misa: Truth. Rini: Hell if I know, then. Pansy: I want ice cream! Misa: Shut up. Pansy: Make me. =p Misa: *Draws sword* If you insist... Rini: Knock it off- *You guessed it! Yet _another_ portal appears, dropping Rini into it* Misa: Oh crap. *And here comes the theme song!* (Singer) In the not too distant future, (Methinks it was next Thursday) A bunch of poor suckers Have some hell to pay! A group of evil people, led by Mala-chan, They were bored one day, so they dreamed up a plan. They choose some people they didn't like, Then they sent those poor victims into space and- *B-ko cackles* (Mala-chan) We'll send them crappy fanfics, As many as we can find! (Lalala!) (Marle) They'll have to sit and read them all! (Dycedarg) And they'll slowly lose their minds! (Singer) Now keep in mind even Lucca can't control Where the fanfics begin or end. (Lalala!) To try to keep their sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Rudy! (Lemon fic?) Rini! (I'm hyper!) Ramza! (Why me?) Lucca! (Miss Lucca to you!) Jaaaaaaaaaack! (Oh poopie...) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science fact, Just think to yourself, "It's just a file, I should really just relax, For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever'" *Twang!* [Unnamed Satellite] *The first portals open up on the ceiling, dropping Rudy and Jack on the floor of the bridge of what looks suspiciously like the Satellite of Love* Rudy: -hell? *Gets up and looks around* Where are we? If I didn't know better, I'd say this is the set of MST3K! Jack: You mind repeating that last part in English? *The next portal opens up on the ceiling, dropping Ramza to the floor* Ramza: Ow! *Looks to both sides* What the hell is going on? *Predictably, Lucca appears on the bridge and looks around* Lucca: *Grumbles* stupid machine, now I'm on one of those damn satellites... *Yes, the last portal opens and drops Rini... on top of Rudy* Rini: Oh fruits, this isn't Nerima. Rudy: Please get off of me. Rini: *Misunderstanding why Rudy was there* HENTAI! *Wallops him with a transdimensional mallet* Where- what is this place? Jack: *Sees a flashing button* What's this do? *Presses the button. An image appears on the screen before the group* [Evil Central] Dycedarg: Mala! They're finally on the satellite! Mala-chan: *Offscreen* Good! I'll be there in a moment. [Satellite] Ramza: Brother?! But why? [Evil Central] Dycedarg: Revenge, of course! Not only were you the favorite in the family, but you stopped my plans to take over Ivalice! *Cries* Nobody ever paid attention to me! No one even loved me! [Satellite] Rini: Jeez, what a crybaby. Rudy: *From the floor* ... tomboy... [Evil Central] Dycedarg: Shutupshutupshutup! You made my life miserable in that stupid story by that brat Chibi! Marle: Outta the way, whiner! [Satellite] Lucca: Marle? Let me guess, you see me as competition for Crono's affections, so you decided to get me out of your way. [E.C.] Marle: Dammit, you stole my lines, but you'll never steal Crono! Never! [Satellite] Lucca: I don't want Crono, you blonde ditz! He's just my friend! *Ramza and Jack stare at her* What? Ramza: "Blonde ditz"? Lucca: Oh. I didn't mean you two. *They stop staring* [E.C.] B-ko: Can't we just send them the fic already? Mala-chan: *Offscreen* Sure, we'll wrap this up later. [Satellite] Rudy: "Fic"?! As in, "Fanfic"?! Lucca: Hmph, looks like we're MSTers, then. Ramza: "MSTers"? Rudy: People who have to read bad fanfiction and make fun of it. Ramza: This is going to be bad, isn't it? [E.C.] Mala-chan: *Still offscreen* You betcha! Your story today is a steaming pile called "Battle of the Strongest" by some guy whose name I can't pronounce. Have fun! [Satellite] Rudy: But- *The klaxons go off* Lucca: Save it for later, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! *Door sequence Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Katy Kat from Parappa the Rapper. You defeat her in Janken and pass on by. Door 4: It's a Rubik's Cube. You play around with it for a while, then take it apart out of frustration. Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's a birdcage door. You talk to Nathan Lane and keep going. Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating, from left to right: Ramza, Rini, Rudy, Lucca, Jack* >Battle of the Strongest by ssjgokux Rudy: Well, this oughta be interesting... Rini: The hell? How to you pronounce that? >Here is a new story separate from "when heroes meet" Ramza (ssjgokux): Which is worse than this one. Rini: Ramza, we don't even know how bad it's going to be yet. Ramza: So? >This one will have more action than the other. I hope you enjoy this. Jack: Thanks, but we probably won't. >Now on with the story! Lucca (Spooky voice): Be afraid, be very afraid! >At the end of time, Gasper, Rini: Wasn't he that guy from "Beauty and the Beast"? Lucca: That's "Gaston", not "Gaspar". Jack: *Singing* o/~ Gaspar, the friendly ghost... o/~ >the guru of time was watching two separate time lines. In one was a >boy whom he knows well. Lucca: IfyouknowwhatImean! Rini: Lucca! >His name is Crono. A valient boy who sacrificed Ramza (Narrator): -people in the name of Deihaq! Rudy: Dark much, Ramza? >his own life to save his world from Lavos. In the other was a man >that puzzled him. Rini: Jigsaw or those 3-D ones? Rudy: That was lame, Rini. Rini: Bite me. >From what Gasper learned, his name is Cloud Strife. Ramza (Narrator): For you see, Cloud puzzled Gaspar on account of Cloud's ability to get women although he was an almost emotionless airhead. Lucca: I take it you don't like Cloud. Jack: What's with him? Rini: It'a a long story. Let's just say he and Cloud don't get along too well. Jack: Ooookay... >He had to go through great pain to Jack: -read this fanfic. >save his world from a man called Sephiroth. Lucca: And what a man he is! Hellooooooo, Sephy! *Drools* Rudy: Thank you for sharing. *Wipes off the drool that got on him* >"These two are clearly the most powerful of their time. All: WHAT?!? Rini: *Furious* T.G. Cid could kick both of their asses with one hand tied behind his back, not to mention anyone with "Knights of the Round" materia could do the same! And don't get me started on Goku and company! Ramza: Smile and nod, Rini, smile and nod. >I wounder which is stronger?" Lucca: "Wounder"? Rini: Chill, girl, it's just one little mistake- Jack: -out of many, no doubt. >Gasper raised his hands and Jack: -did the Macarena. Rudy: *Get sword from who-knows-where* Macarena?!? Jack: Me and my big mouth... ~.~;; >did a short chant that created a portal beneath both Crono and Cloud >and they both fell in and the portals closed. Rini: Whoa, deja vu, man! Lucca: Hey, you, the writer? Ever hear of commas?! Rudy: Aren't grammar riffs kinda worn out? Lucca: Do I care? >Gasper smiled to himself. "part one is done. Now I Rudy (Gaspar): -will go peep in the girl's showers! Rini: Rudy! >hope the rest fall into place." Rini: Since when do puzzles fall into place? You gotta pick up the pieces and put them there yourself! >Crono awoke in a forest. Rini: Cliche number 320a: If you get teleported against your will, you end up in a forest. >"Man... Where and when am I?" asked Crono Rini (Teacher): What is wrong with this scene, class? All except Rini: CRONO'S OUT OF CHARACTER!! Rini (Teacher): And why is that, class? Lucca (Kid): Crono never says nothin' 'cept punctuation marks! Rudy (Kid): Yeah, main characters don't speak 'cept when they make decisions! Rini (Teacher): Good job! You both get gold stars! *Rudy and Lucca cheer* >as he took in his surroundings. "I thought all time gates were >gone." Rini: *ahem* Gates to different times and places rarely disappear completely. If they did, all crossovers would not be able to exist. *All clap* Thank you. >He got up and started to explore the area. "There must be someone >around here." Commented Crono. Jack: Is that a new character? Lucca: No, just an error. >He thensaw Lucca (Infomercial guy): Yes, now you can get the brand-new thensaw. It slices, it dices, it cuts through this lead, er, steel pipe like a hot knife through butter! >a man, older than him across a river. "Hey!" Crono yelled as he >started to run toward him. Rini: How?! You can't just walk across a river! Rudy: Well, you can if it's frozen over. Rini: *Fuming* Shaddap. Ramza: You need to just calm down, Rini. Rini: You shaddap, too. >Cloud was standing where he awoke. Jack: He can sleep standing up? Cool! >"What happened?" He asked himself. "Where did that portal come from?" Ramza: *Sarcastically* From the Portal Fairy, idiot. Rudy: You see, when a mother portal and a father portal- Rini: *Puts a hand over Rudy's mouth* That's more than enough, Rudy. >He looked around to find that he was in a forest, next to a river. Jack: *Singing* o/~ With tangerine streams/ and marmalade skiiiiies. o/~ >"Hey!" Cloud hears a voice behind him. He turns around to see a >teenage boy, about 16, Rini: Dude, Cloud's psychic in this one! >running up to him. "Who is this guy?" he woundered Rudy: "Woundered"? Is that even a word? Lucca: Did he "putted on tennis"? Hanpan: *Coming out of Jack's pocket* AAAAAAAAAAAH! DON'T MENTION OSCAR! Jack: I was wondering when you'd show up. Hanpan: I was asleep, so sue me. Where are we? Lucca: Not sure. The Satellite of Love? Rudy: More like the S#!t Out of Luck, if you ask me. Voice: Hmm, I like that. This satellite henceforth shall be called the "S#!t Out of Luck"! Rini: The hell? What was that all about? >as the boy reached him. Lucca: If I didn't know this was Crono, I'd have a lewd comment to say right now. >Crono reached up to the man. "excuse me. Do you know what land this >is?" Rini: *Singing* o/~ This land is my land/ This land is your land... o/~ >He asked the man who shruged. Lucca (Cloud): I think this is the "Land Before Grammar". Voice: Enough with the grammar riffs, alright? Rudy: Who are you? Voice: You'll find out soon enough, kiddo. Rudy: Dammit, don't call me kid! >"I don't have a clue." Ramza: Which basically describes Cloud overall. >He replied. "All I know is that I was minding my own business Ramza: Impossible, Cloud doesn't have a mind. Rini: Is that the only thing you can do? Insult Cloud? Ramza: No, I can also be dark. ;) >when a portal..." "A portal?" Crono cut in. he turned from the man. >"Are the time gates active again?" Rudy (Crono): IfyaknowwhatImean! Rini: Rudy! >He asked himself. "What" Jack: -the hell? Rini: That's my line, baka! Rudy: Actually, we're asking "Why?!" >The man asked. "Do you know about this?" "Yes I do replied Crono. Rini: Ramza, is "ssjgokux" an alias for Daravon? Ramza: I don't think so, but it would make sense... >The man unsheathed his sword which was bigger than himself. Lucca: Saaaay... Rini: Lucca! >"You must have done this!" The man yelled as he charged at Crono, who >jumped out of the way as he choped a tree where Crono was. Ramza: On second thought, maybe it _is_ an alias for Daravon. Rudy (Daravon): Items that are used in battle are items. >Crono then unsheathed his katana. "Who are you?" Rini: I am Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, and on behalf of the Moon, I will punish you! Rudy: The name's Bond. James Bond. >"The name is Cloud." That's all Jack: -there is, there isn't anymore. Rudy: Jack, you need to stop watching children's shows, all right? You're starting to scare me. >he said as he charged at Crono again. He evaded the attack. "My name >is Rudy: -Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. >Crono." >"Thsi is going to be easy!" Rini: The hell? Ramza: At least he's in character. >Cloud thought as he swung his sword at Crono who brought his to >meet Cloud's. Lucca: (T.V. Announcer): The Energizer Run-on. It keeps going, and going, and going... Ramza: Just like this fanfic. >For every attack Cloud could think of Crono has dodge, Rini: Since when does _anyone_ from an RPG have a car?! Rudy: Rini, it's just a tense change. Lucca (Cloud as a cowboy): Yew got 'til sundown to get outta dodge, pardner! >blocked, or parried with great speed. Cloud jumped back a little out >of breath. "Man... This guy is good. This might be harder than I >thought." Lucca: *Opens mouth* Rini: *Holding a mallet* No. Lucca: *Closes mouth* >Just then Crono's sword started to glow white. "What is this?" Rini: It's a sword, baka. Rudy: The disembodied voice strikes again! >Before Cloud could do anything Crono swung his blade and hit Cloud >with a bolt of energy causing him to go flying into a tree. Rudy (Crono): Shi Shi Hokodan! Lucca (Crono): Kamehameha! Rini (Crono): Holy Flare! Jack (Crono): Magnum Fang! Ramza (Crono): Ultima! >Cloud stood himself up. "Oh..... You want to play rough huh?" Rini: Oh, he likes it rough, eh? Rudy and Lucca: Rini! Rini: What? Can't let you two have all the good ones. =;p >He copied what Crono did but his attack was more intense that when >it hit Crono he fell to his Knees. Jack: Extreme... run-on... ACTION! >"Now's my chance!" Cloud thought as he charged at Crono. ' Rini: Visa or American Express? >Crono started to get up but Cloud had reached him sliced his side >a few times before Crono got away. Ramza and Lucca: Boooooo! >"That does it!" Lucca (Crono): You, me, hot tub, now- *Normal, abeit panicked voice* WHAT AM I SAYING?!? THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND I'M TALKING ABOUT!! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! >Crono yelled as he started to go around Cloud at blinding speed. Rudy: Crono _is_ Sonic the Hedgehog. Hanpan: *Screams* NOT KEFKA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rini: The hell? Rudy: *Slowly shakes his head* Don't ask, just... don't ask. >"Damn it! Stand still!" Ramza: Why do people say that during a fight? No one's stupid enough to stand still and let someone wail on them, except maybe Cloud himself. Rini: It's in the "Big Book of Cliches". It's number 4b, if I remember correctly. >Cloud screamed as he swung his sword everywhere but couldn't hit >Crono, and he gotcut up on many part of his body before Crono stopped. Ramza: Yay, Crono! Lucca: "Gotcut"? "Many part"? Ramza: Smile and nod, Lucca. >After a few hours, both were cut, bleeding and almost exhausted. Rini: *Holding a mallet* Not a word, you two. Rudy and Lucca: Awwwww... >"Now I think it's time we finished this!" Commented Cloud Jack: Oh, is he related to Commented Crono? Everyone else: *groan* >as his hands started to glow a light green. Jack: He's radioactive! Run for it! >Crono realized this and started to charged charge up something >similiar to Clouds. Rudy: So he condensed water around dust particles. Rini: Maybe he's trying to make it storm. Ramza (Narrator): Then lightning struck them both dead. The end. >"Alright then! Let's see what you got! Lucca (Cloud): So take it off, baby! ^_^ Rini: *Get mallet from Hammerspace* That's it, I've heard enough! The next one to make a hentai comment gets hurt bad! >ULTIMA!!" Cloud yelled as he fired a blast of energy at Crono. >"LUMINIARE!" Crono fired his Ramza: Fired his what? Rudy: *Eyes the mallet Rini's holding* No comment. Lucca: *Ditto* Me neither. >and both blasts hit head on, neither gaining an advantage on the >other. It causes a huge explosion which knock both Cloud and Crono >back. Lucca (Nature show commentator): Here we see a common ritual amomg crappy fanfic writers. This ritual is known as the "Tense Warp". Rini: *Singing* o/~ And they were doing the Tense Warp! o/~ All: *Join in the singing* o/~ Let's do the Tense Warp agaaaaaaaaaain! o/~ >They stare at each other in disbelif. "That was my strongest attack >and his is as strong as it?" Rini: The hell? Jack: Is that a question or a statement? Rudy: Yes. >Cloud asked dazed. Rudy: We know how you feel, man. >"Man. This guy's strong." Commented Crono as he shook his head. Rini: *Makes rattling sounds* Jack: Hey, there's that "Commented Crono" guy again! Everyone else: *groan* >They both got up and charge at each other again. Rini: Boy, their credit card bills must be enormous! Ramza: Strike my previous statement about Daravon. This guy's even _worse_. >Just then a blast came out of nowhere and hit the ground between them. >They both turned to see a man holding a sword. Rudy: *Sarcastically* Oh, like _that_ really narrows it down. >"What are you doing here? "We both fell through..." Crono tried to >explain but Cloud push him to the side. Lucca: Tense... oh, never mind. Rini: I see you're feeling "tense", hehehe! Rudy (May from "Bye, Bye, Birdie): *Leans closer to Lucca* How tense are you? Lucca (Conrad Birdie): Not that tense. *Pushes him away* >"Who are you?!" Demanded Cloud. Jack: Is he- Rudy: Jack, you've already ran that joke into the ground. Jack: I know; it's just fun to keep using it. >"The name is Jarin Dreamsinger, and I'm the bringer of your death!" All: *Cheer* Ramza: KILL THE FANFIC! KILL THE FANFIC! >He waved his hand and Crono and Cloud were frozen in place. Jarin >grined as he started to walk toward them, ready to kill. Rini: *Singing* o/~ One day closer to dying./ At the end of the day, there's another day dawning... o/~ >Just then a blast comes out and seals Jarin in a barrier. "What is >this?" Rini: It's a barrier, baka! >Jarin yelled as the spell on Cloud and Crono stopped. Rini: Spells _end or wear off_; they don't "stop"! >A portal appears and Gasper comes out. He creates two portals under >Crono and Cloud and they fall in. "Not again!" Yelled Cloud Jack: Another member of the Cloud family? Rini: Baka! *Get up and hits Jack with a mallet* Rudy: Thank you. Rini: *Returns to her seat* No problem, kid. >as he went in. Crono tried to say something but he fell in also. >"I knew it was you." Rudy (Jarin): -who sent me all those letters. For the last time, I am _not_ your Sweet Baboo! >Jarin growled. "They're not ready yet. Commented Gasper as he returned >to the end of time and the barrier around Jarin dissapeared. "but I'm >ready now!" Lucca (Javin): -for your- Rini: *Grips mallet* Lucca! Lucca: -demise. What did you think I was gonna say? >Jarin laughed as he created his own portal and vanished without a >trace. Rudy: Just like this fic from our memories... I hope. *All leave* *Reverse door sequence* [S#!t Out of Luck] Jack: That sucked. Rudy: It's not as bad as some other stories I've read. Lucca: Yeah, this was nowhere near as awful as "Artemis's Lover" or "ASADAE"- Hanpan: *Screams* Lucca: Sorry, mousie. *The button is flashing again* Rudy: Looks like Larry, Daryl, and Daryl are calling. *Presses the button* [Evil Central] Dycedarg: Damn, they're still sane. [SOL] Rini: Who ya callin' sane, bub?! [Evil Central] B-ko: Shiiiiiiiiiikoooooooo, where did you goooooooo? *Wanders off* Cecilia: *Runs onscreen* Good, she's gone. [SOL] Rudy and Jack: Cecilia?! [Evil Central] Cecilia: Rudy? Jack? You've got to help me! This wacko is convinced I'm someone named "C-ko" and keeps trying to put these absurd daisies in my hair. She has Jane and Elmina locked up, thinking they're some people named "D" and "Captain Napolitia"! She- B-ko: C-ko! There you are! Cecilia: Shiiiiiii! *Runs away with B-ko close behind her* [SOL] Rudy: Cecilia! [E.C.] Mala-chan: *Finally shows herself. She is fairly tall, with dark green hair and black eyes. She is wearing a blood-red tank top and short black shorts* Hello, my little test subjects. [SOL] Lucca: Lemme guess, you're trying to find the fanfic that will destroy our spirits so you can take over the world, right? [E.C.] Mala-chan: So close, and yet way off. I don't want to rule the world, the universe or the multiverse even. I just want to create enough chaos that all worlds, universes, dimensions, and multlverses will destroy themselves, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AHA, AHA! [SOL] Rudy: *Dryly* I hope Kodachi knows you stole her laugh. [E.C] Mala-chan: Veeeeery cute, kid. I hate cute. I hate goodness, I hate love, I hate- [SOL] Lucca: Are you going to end this tirade anytime soon? I have things to see and people to do... [E.C.] Mala-chan: No! And you know why? Marle: Because she's evil! *Mala smacks Marle* Mala-chan: Fool, I wanted them to answer that! Next time you do that, _you'll_ be on that satellite, alone! *Turns to the screen* So, you survived the story. Next time, you won't be as lucky! *The screen goes blank* [SOL] Rudy: Man, who put the bug up her butt? Lucca: Well, you heard her, we're gonna get a worse fic next time around. This was probably just a test. Rini: Of what? Lucca: I dunno. A test of our resistance to the scum of the fanfictionverse? Jack: Now what do we do? Rini: We gotta believe! ^_^ *All but Rini exit* Hmph, guess they don't like Parappa the Rapper... *Wanders off* ------------------------------------------------------ THE REAL END Email comments to me at: Lessa990@aol.com (Unfortunately...) >>The man unsheathed his sword which was bigger than himself. > >Lucca: Saaaay... >Rini: Lucca!