"Don't this just beat all?" Rei, "Breath of Fire 3" Legal Crap Mystery Science Theater 3000 & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Final Fantasy Tactics and Chrono Trigger are copyrighted by SquareSoft. Wild Arms is copyrighted by Media Vision and Contrail. Any other thing I forgot to mention is copyrighted to it's owner(s). Please don't sue; I have no money as is. ~.~;; "Bewitched by Harry Potter" is owned by Berit Kjos. No chocobos were harmed in the production of this MSTing. One MAry Sue's out to get me now, however. Chibi-chan's notes (a.k.a. Other Stuff) Whee, been too long since I did a MSTing. Oh well. WARNING: Bad, horrible wordplays on my part ahead. You have been warned. With that out of the way, Here we gooooooooooooo!! ------------------------------------ (Singer) In the not too distant future, Things are going very mad! That boy Klaus's little regime Has ended; ain't that sad? Mala-chan was freed, we know that much, And dear Klaus was in her clutch, But as a child of Xelloss, he was saved. And now she can't pay him back for enslaving her and su~uch! (Mala-chan: Damn... this... SUUUUUUCKS!) But now she can send the crew cheesy fanfics, The worst she can find! (Lalala!) They'll have to sit and read them all, And they might just lose their minds! (Lalala!) Now keep in mind the crew can't control Where the fanfics begin or end. (Lalala!) To try to keep their sanity, Upon each other they must depend! RIFFER ROLL CALL! Rudy! (Hanako-san!) Rini! (Got the got the funky flow!) Ramza! (This's is the way!) Lucca! (Beloved by Lezard Valeth!) Jaaaaaaaaaaack! (Kari spells her name "F.Y.I."?) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science fact, Just think to yourself, "It's just a file, I should really just relax, For 'Idiotic Fanfic Theater Whatever' *Twang!* [The SOL (Not the Satellite of Love, tho')] *Jack is standing on the bridge and talking to Hanpan* Jack: Is it me, or have things actually started to settle down here a bit? Hanpan: Let's see... Last week, I digivolved, and the week before that, Rini became a berserk dominatrix. What the hell do you mean, things have settled down here?! Jack: I mean, there's been no changes of power, no one's been replaced, even the door problem's being resolved. The chaos is down to a minimum for once. *As if on cue, Ramza runs into view* Ramza: *Gasping for breath* Jack! Help! The kitchen! It's too strong! Jack: What? Help how? What's too strong? Ramza: I told her... I told her to clean out the refridgerator... She didn't, she's always flitting about and when she's here she does nothing... Jack: Save the story for later! What's the problem? Ramza: Remember... Citan was here some time ago? Jack: Yeah, what about his visit? Ramza: He tried to cook. Someone decided to save his little disater for some odd reason and left it there for who knows how long, and it's... It _MUTATED_ into... into... Well, whatever it is, it's really angry and really dangerous! Rudy and Zel are holding it off so far, but... Anyway, go help! I'll go get Lucca! *Runs off the other way* Hanpan: Things still settling down, Jack? Jack: Oh, shut up. *The yellow button flashes* Uh, we'll be right back. *Presses button and runs to join the fray* -------------------------------------------------------- Announcer: New to OC!P TV! The young wizard everyone loves to hate has his own show! *Draco Malfoy, wearing something pink, frilly, and complete with cat ears and a bell, looking suitably pissed off, fights what appears to be a random Clow Card with Sakura's staff as Hermione records it with a camcorder* Draco: *Muttering* What did I do to deserve _THIS_?! Hermione: Do you want me to list reasons alphabetically, chronologically, or from most grievous to least grievous offenses? Announcer: "Cardcaptor Draco"! Part of the "Cracktastic Cartoon Afternoon" Mondays through Fridays from 3-6. OC!P TV is part of the WTF Network. Remember, if it's this weird, think "WTF"! ------------------------------------------------------------ Rini: Boss, you're one messed-up individual. Voice: And proud of it. *Pause* Shouldn't you be fighting the mutant food product your laziness helped create? Rini: Eh, they don't need me. *Ramza, covered in an unidentifiable ooze, storms into view* Ramza: YOU! This is all your fault! Rini: How so? I didn't do anything. Ramza: Precisely! You _didn't_ do anything! You _never_ do anything around here except complain and smack people around! Why are you even here anyway, if you can just leave at any time?! *Rini simply points to the P.A. speaker* Voice: Eheh... *Somehow sweatdrops* Er... You look tired, Ramza! Why not go clean yourself off and leave this fic to the others, OK? Ramza: ... fine. This isn't over though, you both know. *The red button flashes* You talk to the Powerpuff Girls, and try not to mess things up, got it? *Leaves. Rini presses the red button* [Evil Central] *Cecilia and Marle are out in plain sight, while Mala-chan is absent from the scene. Cecilia wears a hat reading "Seventh Annual Rebellious Princess Convention"* Marle: Where _IS_ everyone? We were only gone for a week... Cecilia: Probably out looking for us, since _you_ forgot to give anyone notice about the convention. Marle: ME?! Why do I have to give notice to anyone? Cecilia: *Flatly* Because _you_ actually _work_ here. Marle: ... oh yeah. [SOL] Rini: Convention? So that's where you two were last time. Anyway, Cecilia, there's something I've been meaning to ask you... [E.C.] Cecilia: Oh? What's that? Marle: *Looking over the Fanfictron 5000* Guess she left recently; there's something here loaded and ready to go. *Shrugs, turns toward the screen, and accidentally leans on the "send" button* Er... oops? [SOL] *Lights flash and klaxons go off* Rini: Ah, buggering... I'll ask later, Cecilia. Right now, WE GOT... er... SOMETHING SIGN! *Door sequence: Door 6: Dogbone door. Opens automatically. Door 5: It's Chop-Chop Master Onion! He tells you "Dojo, Casino, it's all in the mind!" and you continue on. Door 4: It's Bunny Mech! You have to keep Lucca for stealing it before going on. Door 3: It's your normal run-of-the-mill drawbridge. It falls out towards you, barely missing you. Door 2: It's Renamon! The author of this MSTing appears out of nowhere and hugs the poor creature Elmyra-style. Door 1: It's a wall. Tinkerbelle comes, waves her wand, and an opening appears. Seating (L-R): Rini, Rudy, Lucca, Jack* Rini: *Studies her companions, who all have varying amounts of the weird ooze Ramza was covered with* Heck of a fight, eh? Rudy: You have no idea. Lucca: Be happy about that. Jack: Who knew a salad could turn into such a thing...? O.o; >Bewitched by Harry Potter Rudy: Starring Draco Malfoy as Daren! *Both girls giggle* I've been around these two too long... >by Berit Kjos >"You're famous, Harry Potter." Rini (Lockheart): See, I _told_ you that stint on "Survivor"d help your career! >It's true! Jack: Hey, it's Kurt Angle! >This prophetic remark in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, >the first in a seven-book series on popular witchcraft, was fulfilled in >record time. Jack: A big ten inch record of a man who plays the blues time, for that matter. >The first three books hit the world - schools, libraries, >and the New York Times best-sellers list - like a spiritual tidal wave, *Leviathan suddenly appears and drenches the crew* Rini: *Dryly* Ha ha, boss. *Mutters* Bloody git. >breaking down barriers to the secret and forbidden mysteries of the ages >and captivating children around the world. >Just look around. *All do so* Lucca: *Looking under her seat* Hey, a box of Junior Mints! *Picks up candy* Rini: Aw, you got all the luck. >You can spot >some of the committed Hogwarts fans by the purple thunderbolt stickers on >their foreheads. Voice: ... what's wrong with putting stickers on your forehead? I do that all the time. Well, when I get the stickers off banana bunches, anyway. Rini: Boss... -_-; >This mark bonds them to Harry, Jack (Harry/James Bond): What, do you expect me to talk, Malfoy? Rudy (Draco/James Bond villian): I don't expect you to _talk_, Mister Potter; I expect you to _die_. Rini: ... don't be veird boys. >an embattled student wizard >with amazing powers and an enticingly scary destiny. Lucca (Draco/Leon Magnus): Stone Press! Rini: ... idiots and lunatics. I'm surrounded by idiots and lunatics. >Harry, like other students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry >travels back and forth between two worlds: the mystical world of magic and >the mundane world of muggles - Rudy: They're non-telepaths too? Rini: *Fuujin-like* PAIN. >those boring, blinded, and biased humans who Jack: -bake cookies! ^_^ >either don't believe in the world of witches or who despise it as evil. Jack (Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight): Now, now, not all- EVIL, BABY! I'm a wizard, baby, yeah! >Harry's cruel aunt and uncle fit the last category. Jack: *Scholarly* Now, now, they prefer the term "Uber-Conformists". Rudy: ... it's bad to think of 50's show crossovers beacuse of that, right? Voice: Say... "Leave it to Dudley"! "Vernon Knows Best!" Rudy: Yep, definitely bad. >And, from Harry's point >of view, so would you if you see witchcraft as dangerous and demonic. Lucca (Philia): Demon Lance! >The skinny, green-eyed kid with glasses and a thunder-bolt scar under a >shock of unruly black hair makes a sympathetic hero. Jack: He's made of all man-made fibers? >Orphaned at age one, >Harry mysteriously survived a murderous assault by the wicked wizard Lord >Voldemort. Rini (Lily Potter): We invested heavily in Instant Plot Device Inc. before we had Harry. ^_^ >This scary villain, whom more timid wizards dare only refer to >as "Who Must Not Be Named," killed Harry's parents. Rudy: He was also a notorious puppy-kicker and stealer of candy for babies, but that's not the issue here. >When he tried but >failed to kill their one-year-old baby, Voldemort lost much of his power. Rini: Thus proving that Volde-kins was a sissy boy. >) >The thunderbolt scar on Harry's forehead marks his peculiar psychic strength >and triumph over evil. Rudy: He's a telepath? Hmm, to block a spell like that... Well, I'd need to know Voldemort's telepath rating... Jack: *mutters* And he tells me _I_ get too wrapped up in some shows. >For the next ten years, Harry lives a miserable muggle life in his uncle's >London home, constantly tormented by his cruel guardians and a spoiled bully >of a cousin. Jack and Rini (Vernon and Petunia): Neener-head! Neener-head! Our ne~phew's a neener-head! Lucca (Dudley): And the bestest punching bag ever! *Punches Rudy in the arm* Rudy: OW! You didn't actually have to connect with that! Lucca: I know. *Hits him again* >But on his eleventh birthday everything changes. Rini: Puberty hit. Rudy (Harry): Why do I feel all tingly when I look closely at that lady who hosts "The Weakest Link"? *All look at him funny; normal* What? She's not all that bad... >He discovers >that he is a wizard of great fame, someone who once conquered death and >crippled a devilish foe. Rini (Harry): No kidding? Wow, am I ever l33t!!!1! >Even better, he receives an acceptance to Hogwarts - >a coveted boarding school for aspiring wizards. Jack: People wanna _own_ the school? One of them's Lucius Malfoy, right? >The haunted grounds of Hogwarts may be out-of-this-world, but with its blend >of earthly familiarity and practical magic, it has captivated more than seven >million minds. Lucca (J.K. Rowling): First, 7,000,000 minds, then THE WORLD! OHOHOHOHOHO- *Has a coughing fit* Dammit... *cough* How do you do that? Rini: Well, practice makes perfect. ^_^ >Adults and children alike have, in their imagination, followed >Harry through that mystical veil between ordinary reality and occult fantasy. Lucca: Must... not... picture... Harry doing dance of seven veils... O_o; Rini: Can we have Lupin or Sirius do that instead? Voice: Or Snapey-kins? Rini: *winces* Boss, _YOU'RE_ the only one who wants to see that. >Most find it hard to put the book down once they start it, and when finished, >many read it again and again. Rudy (Random fan; in a trance): I loved "Goblet of Fire". It is much better than "Lord of the Rings". I will read it again and again. >Immersed in this mystical world of spiritual >forces, they feel Harry's struggles and share his fears. Jack: Oh, yeah, didn't they pass those out when "Goblet of Fire" first came out? >They sit with him >through his classes on Potions, Spells, Transformation Rini: _Tranfiguration_, twit. If you're writing about something, make sure you know the proper terms. Rudy: *Looks at a stopwatch* Zero to bitch in 1.4 seconds. Impressive. Rini: Cram it, metal boy. >("turning something >into something else") and Divination, and, like him, learn some tricks of the >old Craft. Voice: We do? Keen! When do I learn to change my algebra book into a PlayStation 2? ^_^ Jack: Forget that, when do I learn dueling with magic? Rudy: And can I be an Animagus after the next book? Lucca and Rini: ................. >They sense the pain of his miserable return visits to London, and >they soar with him above the earth on a magical and magnificent broomstick. Rudy: *Dreamily* To fly, to have the wind in your hair, to look down on creation... Lucky little punk. Jack: He's fallen of his broom a few times, if that's any consolation. Rudy: But he gets back up there... *sigh* >Delightfully gruesome images and scary creatures become part of their memory, Jack: Fluffy! ^__^ *holds up Fluffy Fan Club banner* >for the author, Joanne K. Rowling, knows how to make her characters come >alive in a reader's mind. Rini (J.K. Rowling): They're alive! ALIIIIIIIIIIVE! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! >"Oh, but it's just fantasy," you may argue. "We >were raised on scary tales. It can't hurt." Rini: It can if you hit someone with the fourth book hard enough. >Actually it's not that simple. Jack (Plucky Duck): Nothing easy is ever simple! >The stories and the times have changed, making >the new generation of children far more vulnerable to deception than we were. Rini (Tsueno): "Kids today are stupid." >Consider some of the changes: Jack: 17 Sickles to a Galleon, and... uh... was it 23 Knuts to a Sickle? >1. Different times and culture. Unlike most children today, their parents and >grandparents were raised in a culture that was, at least outwardly, based on >Biblical values. Rini: *mutters* Never _MIND_ the fans in the Middle and Far East... Rudy: Biblical? Jack: They had the values of a librarian? Lucca: Not quite. >Whether they were Christian or not, they usually accepted >traditional moral and spiritual boundaries. Rini: Why am I tempted to sing something from "Fiddler on the Roof" here? >Even the old fairy tales I heard >as a child in Norway tended to reinforce this Christian worldview or paradigm. Jack: o/~ Almost paradigm.../ We're knocking on heaven's door... o/~ >The good hero would win over evil forces without using "good" magic to >overcome evil magic. Rudy: *Non-chalantly* Nah, they just shoved 'em in ovens or stabbed or sliced them with sharp objects and stuff. Nothing that could be considered traumatizing or as promoting negative behavior. *shrug* >Social activities didn't include Ouija Boards, Seances, >and an assortment of popular occult role-playing games. Lucca: Norway: Home of the most boring slumber parties in existance! >Nor did friends, schools >or Girl Scouts tempt children to alter their consciousness and invoke the >presence of an "animal spirit" or "wise person." Rini (Girl Scout): Buy some cookies! It'll only cost you... YOUR SOUL! Jack (Homer): Mmm, soul cookies... *drooling noises* >Occult experimentation was not >an option. Rudy: So they all turned to drug experimentation. Jack (Nowiegian kid; stoned): Dude, pass the soul cookies... >Today children learn their values and world view from a variety of sources. All: Internet. Rini (Shadow): You let Relm go on the internet unsupervised?! >The >entertainment industry is one of the most persuasive agents of cultural >awareness, and it usually teaches global and occult values, since that's what >their global market buys. Rudy (Dom Irrera's dad): You see, that's how they get ya! >In fact, children have become so familiar with >profanity, occultism, and explicit sex, Lucca (Kjos): And that's just on Fox! >that they barely notice - just as in >Old Testament days: "They hold fast to deceit, they refuse to return. . . . Jack: Return what? Library books? But don't they have librarian values there or something? Rudy: No, no, I think they were referring to some island nation by "Biblical". Jack: An island nation? But Europe's not an island nation, right? Rudy: Hmm... good point. Lucca: *Aside* I'd tell them, but it's more interesting this way. >No, >they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush." (Jeremiah 8:5,12) Jack: o/~ Jeremiah was a bullfrog!/ Was a good friend of mine! o/~ >2. Different type of fantasy. Books, movies, games, and television all involve the >imagination, and the specific fantasy directs the child's imagination. Rini (Hulk): Imagination BAD! Hulk SMASH puny imagination! >In other >words, the imaginary scenes and images in books and movies are not neutral. Lucca: Yeah, it's more four-wheel drive, if you ask me. Rudy: "Four-wheel drive"? Lucca: Just sounded good. *shrug* >As >with guided imagery, the child's feelings and responses are manipulated by the >author's view and values. Rini: Can I be the one to say "Duh!"? Huh? Huh? Please? Rudy: *Thinks for a moment* Ah... well, OK. Rini: Thanks. *To the screen* Duh! >For example, the stories and books children read in the >classroom are usually selected or approved by each state because their message >teaches the new global values, and because they provide useful discussion topics >for the manipulative consensus process. Lucca: No Borg comments, please. >"Good stories capture the heart, mind, >and imagination and are an important way to transmit values," writes Louise >Derman-Sparks in the influential Anti-Bias Curriculum: Tools for Empowering >Young Children, which is full of classsroom strategies for eroding traditional >boundaries and teaching the new spirituality. Jack: Whoa, someone forgot to put plants in the traditional boundaries. Erosion can pollute lakes, you know. Rudy: Riiiiiight... -_-; >Books such as the Harry Potters series fit, Lucca: Look, they cloned Potter! Rini: Can I get a Sirius clone while they're at it? Please? Voice: Snape clone! WAI! >because they reinforce the global >and occult perspective. Page after exciting page brings the reader into the >timeless battle between good and evil, then trains them to see the opposing >forces from a pagan, not a Biblical perspective. Rini: Hmph, makes it sound like someone like that dude from Mulan'll coming right to their door. Jack: o/~ Mister, I'll.../ Make a pagaaaaan/ Out of yoooooou! o/! >In this mystical realm, >"good" occult spirits are naturally pitted against bad occult spirits, Rudy: -both of which are entirely unrelated to Teen Spirit, school spirits, and the Old Janx Spirit. >just as >in pagan cultures where frightened victims would offer sacrifices to >"benevolent" spirits who could help ward off evil curses and other threats. Rini (Medea): They say gifts can persuade anyone, even the gods. >Few readers realize that from the Biblical perspective, all occult forces are >dangerous. Jack: Oh, come on, all librarians can't be against the idea. Lucca: *Covering Rudy's ears; to Rini* This gag's getting old. Rini: *To Lucca* Yeah, but do we really wanna know what they'll come up with next? Lucca: *To Rini* Point taken. >But today, it seems more tolerant and exciting to believe this >illusion than to oppose the lies. Rini: It's also become popular to scorn complex sentences and break them in half in mid-thought. >The words of Old Testament prophet Isaiah >ring as true now as they did over 2000 years ago: Rini: Puff, byatch? Rudy: We are the fanboys that say... "Neko-Neko WAI!"? Lucca: All your base are belong to us? Jack: Enjoy this glorious coffee? >"Woe to those who call evil >good and good evil...." Jack (Isaiah): And to those rat bastards who call at three A.M. >(Isaiah 5:20) Lucca: And VCR 12:00 to you too. >3. Different purpose. Rini (lady): It's a floor wax! Jack (man): It's a dessert topping! Lucca (Announcer): It's a floor wax _AND_ a dessert topping! Rini and Jack (lady and man): Oooooooooh! >Children don't read Harry Potter merely to reach the >conclusion and resolve the suspense. Rudy: Yeah, they do it to come up with stuff for a bad website. >Many read the books over and over because >they delight in identifying with the "good" characters in this newly discovered >world. Rini: o/~ A whole new woooooorld!/ A new fantastic point of view! o/~ >They build memories based on felt experiences in an occult virtual >reality, and they are desentitized to the danger. Lucca: Thus letting them pass through the mechanisms that stop sholifters in front of the exits. >The talent and knowledge of >the author makes this seductive world all the more believable. Just ponder >these bits of Hogwarts theology: Rini: ... _theology_. Riiiiiight. Lucca: Hey, some Star Wars fans have already done it with their fandom. Rini: Riiiiight. I may hurt something soon, you all should know. *All go back a couple of rows* >* Professor Snape who taught Potions: "I don't expect you will really >understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering >fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching >the mind, ensnaring the senses...." Voice: Ah, my poetic Snapey-kins... *P.A. speaker melts into a puddle* Rini: Boss, you're a freaky little girl. Voice: *burble*blubble* *Lightning strikes Rini* Rini: Ow. >* A Centaur's views on astrology - "We have sworn not to set ourselves against >the heaven. Have we not read what is to come in the movements of the planets? >....Or have the planets not let you in on that secret?" Jack: o/~ Cen-taur!/ Cen-taur!/ Gotta get that Cen-taur! o/~ >* "He is with me wherever I go," said Quirrell quietly, referring to the >murderous wizard Voldemort. "I met him when I traveled around the world. A >foolish young man I was then, full of ridiculous ideas about good and evil. Rini (Voldemort): Good _stupid_. Evil _good_. Jack (Quirrell): So... Therefore, evil stupid? Rini (Voldemort): I need to get better flunkies. -_-; >Lord Voldemort showed me how wrong I was. Lucca (Quirrell): And all this time, I had been putting my _socks_ on over my shoes! >There is no good and evil , there >is only power, and those too weak to seek it.... Jack: Kid, is he sounding like Zeikfried to you too? Rudy: Yep. Lucca: I was thinking more towards Grahf, but now that you mention it... *Grahf breaks through the fourth wall* Grahf: Dost thou- Rini Booyaka! Someone to lay the smack down on! *Summons mallet* Grahf: *small voice* nevermind. *Exits hastily* Rini: Argh. *Smashes nearby seat with the mallet* >Since then, I have served >him faithfully." Rudy (Voldemort/Black Mage): You's ma ho! >* Headmaster Dumbledore: "To the well organized mind, death is but the next >great adventure." Jack: o/~ In the ciiiircle~/ The circle of liiiiiife! o/~ >* Hagrid, the grounds-keeper at Hogwarts, telling Harry about the strange power >that saved his life, "Happened when a powerful, evil curse touches you - didn't >work on you, and that's why yer famous, Harry. Lucca (Harry): Eh? Sounds silly to me, since I had a Mighty Check equipped at the time... >No one ever lived after he >[Voldemort] decided ter kill 'em, no one except you..." Rudy (Hagrid): Well, you and Denis Leary. >[Harry seems almost >Christ-like, doesn't he, with his wound or mark, his psychic powers, and his >victory over death and Voldemort?] Rini: _No_. Lily, perhaps... Rudy: Hey, there's that Christ guy again. Jack: The dude they mentioned in that fic we got when Klaus's stay here began? Rudy: Yeah. Maybe I should do some research to find out who he is anyway... >Once introduced to spiritism, astrology, palmistry, shape-shifting, time-travel >(the third book) and the latest version of popular occultism, many crave more. Lucca (Announcer): Occult Castles: What You Crave. >They can easily find it. In their neighborhoods and schools, our children are >surrounded by peers who are fascinated by occult empowerment and would love to >share their fun discoveries. Jack (Stimpy): Joy! Occult empowerment! Look, Ren! Rini (Ren): Steempy, you eediot! That's not occult empowerment, that's your litter box! >Few children have the Biblical knowledge or >discernment needed to evaluate good and evil or to resist such threats to their >faith. Jack: Well, yeah. I mean, after all, how many kids are librarians? >4. Different kind of classroom. It's not surprising that Harry has suddenly >soared to the peaks Rini: -and _into_ the _actual_ peaks. CRASH! SPLAT! >of popularity in schools across the country. His story >fits right into the international program for multicultural education. Rini: *Bitterly* And that's bad because tolerance is bad. Bloody git. Jack: Ever consider relaxing a bit? Rini: I haven't hurt anyone in here yet today, have I? Jack: ................ >The >envisioned global community calls for a common set of values which excludes >traditional beliefs as intolerant and narrow - just as the Harry Potter books >show. Jack: o/~ It's time to meet the students/ It's time for fairy lights!/ It's time to get things started/ On the Potter Show tonight! o/~ >The Biblical God simply doesn't fit into his world of wizards, witches, >and other gods. Jack: Dude, there's a Library God? Cool... >Feminist writer Naomi Goldenberg knows that well. In her book, Changing of the >Gods, she predicts that "God is going to change.... Lucca: *Flatly* Oh, happy day, God's an end-of-game boss. >We, women are going to bring >an end to God. We will change the world so much that He won't fit in anymore." Rudy (Goldenberg): And we're going to get Martha Stewart and Christopher Lowell to do the decorating afterwards! >She and other radical feminists must appreciate Ms Rowling's part in this process. Rini, Lucca, and Voice: *Ominously chant* Girl Power, Girl Power, a curse on all men. >Of course, God will never change. Jack: -his socks. >But people, beliefs, and cultures do. And some >changes, such as today's cultural shift away from loving God to hating His truths, >have occurred a multitude of times. Rudy: *twitch* No more repeating things... O_< Lucca: Still haven't recovered from the last fic, eh? Oh well, come here... *Holds Rudy close* Rudy: No one believed me... no one... >The words Jesus spoke to His followers long >ago now fit our times: "If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. . . . >because they do not know Him who sent Me." Rini: Persecuted him for overuse of pronouns, I take it. >(John 15:20-21) Jack: Awful lot of toilets, huh? >5. A different education system. UNESCO's "lifelong learning," now being implemented >through Goals 2000, takes education far beyond the boundaries of the classroom. Lucca: Better that than taking it Beyond the Beyond. >Its goal is socialization and preparation for a global workforce. Everyone - in >homes, schools, and workplace - must be mentally prepared to participate in >theconsensus process. Jack: That happens once every ten years, right? Rudy: *Flatly* No, that'd be _census_. Consensus is when they count the prison population. Jack: Oh, OK. *Rudy looks blankly at Jack* >In the name of "unity" and "community," people of all ages >must help form new values, challenge contrary beliefs, report non-compliant friends >and relatives, and oppose all other obstacles to compromise, "common ground" and >"mental health." Rini: "The bland face of true evil", hmm? How trite. >There are many ways to persuade the masses to reject uncompromising Christianity and >embrace a changeable blend of all kinds of religions - including a cross-less and >universalist perversion of Christianity. Rudy (Madson): Pr0n! ^_^ Lucca (Susie): Yaoi time! ^_^ >Schools do it through books such as the >Harry Potter series, through multicultural and environmental education, and by >integrating social issues and politically correct ideology into more mundane >subjects such as math and science. Rini: ... urge to maim... rising... Rudy: ... urge to sleep... rising... ZzZzZzZzZzZzZz... >The media does it by selective reporting, >redefining words like "fundamental," vilifying labels such as extremist, religious >right and homeschoolers, and by equating such groups with narrow-minded bigotry >and hate. Lucca: ... homeschoolers? _Homeschoolers_? The hell...? >Harry Potter's author does it by creating a captivating world where strength, >wisdom, love, hope - all the good gifts God promises those who follow Him - are >now offered to those who pursue occult thrills. Jack: AndthenIcameacrossthisOccultThrillseekerandhewasalllike"AbracadabraWHEE"! >Likewise, her main characters >demonstrate all the admirable traits our God commends: kindness, courage, loyalty, >etc. Rudy: Anyone else suddenly have the urge to watch Digimon now? >But muggles, who are blind to these mystical forces, are pictured as mean, >cruel, narrow and self-indulgent. Rudy (Chibi): Evil WAI! ^_^ *ZAP!* Rini: *mutters* Except Hermione's parents, that dude who ran the campgrounds in "Goblet of Fire"... Rudy: Rini. Grumbling isn't going to help here. Get over it. Rini: *grumble*mutter* >These subtle messages, hidden behind exciting >stories, turn Truth upside-down. Jack: *Playing with a calculator* Hmm... nope, can't spell that with numbers upside-down. I can spell "HELLO" upside down, tho'. >But fascinated readers rarely notice the deception. Rini: But I notice the sentence fragments all too clearly. *Chocobo falls on her; muffled* Ow. Chocobo: Wark? Rudy: Thank you. Voice: You're welcome. >This power-filled realm with its charms and spells soon becomes normal as well as >addictive to those who immerse their minds with its seductive images. Voice: -of Snape. Mmm, Snape... Rudy: ... she's right; you _are_ a freaky little girl. Voice: And proud of it! >The Harry Potter books, first introduced in England, are unlikely to fade from >public consciousness in the near future. Jack (old plane): Old books don't die; they just fade away... >Scholastic, a major provider of popular >books for classroom use, bought the rights to publish the books in the United >States. Devoted readers who can't wait for the sequel to be distributed in the >U.S. are purchasing it on the Internet from Amazon.com's British division [see >Reviews]. Rudy (Fan Zombie): Pooooootteeeeeeeer... Neeeeeeed Poooootteeeeer... Lucca: Then Jill Valentine blasted the fan zombies with a rocket launcher, gasme over. >The series has already caused great consternation among those who fear >the seven books will eventually crowd out adult fiction on the coveted New York >Times best-sellers list. Lucca (J.K. Rowling): HA! My books rule, yours just drool! Suck it, Danielle Steel! You too, Jackie Collins! I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD! MWAHAHAHA! Rudy: Lucca, you're scaring me. Lucca: Oh, er, sorry. Got carried away there. >This concern will surely grow, since Warner Brothers >(owned by Time Warner) bought rights to the live-action movie. All: ........? Rudy: Chibi, how old is this thing? Voice: Dunno. I know it was sitting on someone's hard drive for some time, however. >It's not too soon to prepare your child for the increasing peer pressure to >conform to the new social standards. Rudy: Thus getting the crap beat out of your kids on a daily basis. Trust me, I know this all too well. >HOW TO RESIST DECEPTION Lucca: That's simple. Just know The Rule: Never believe for a _moment_ that a game is not rigged. >KNOW THE TRUE GOD. When children know God as He has revealed Himself in His Word, >they will recognize the seductive counterfeits. Rudy: But they'll still take candy from them and go for a ride in their vans. >SHUN OTHER GODS. It's tempting to believe the beckoning voices that display >enticing counterfeits of all God's wonderful promises. The power is within >yourself, they say. Don't listen to the lies. Jack: And don't listen to Leonard Cohen or Lex'll smack you with a rusty lead pipe. >Instead, take this sober warning >to heart: Lucca: "Friends don't let friends drive naked." Rudy: "Honk if you've never seen a shotgun fire out a car window." Jack: "Incoming vehicles may be larger than shown." >""When you come into the land which the Lord your God is giving you, you shall >not learn to follow the abominations Jack: -snowmanations. >of those nations. Jack: -for it's a sensation. >There shall not be found >among you anyone who: Jack: ... hey, it stopped rhyming. Rudy: *mutters* Yes it did, thank Zephyr. -_-; >* practices witchcraft >* is a soothsayer or a sorcerer Rudy: What's a soothsayer? Jack: One who says sooth, of course. Rudy: Of course. -_-; >* interprets omens Rini: *Freeing herself* You mean like that _Joeseph_ fellow, or do dreams count? Rudy: Dear Guardians, she's talking again... -_-; Jack: Keep doing that and your face'll stay that way. Rudy: That's a risk I'm willing to take. -_-; >* conjures spells >* is a medium or a spiritist >* calls up the dead Lucca (Lezard Valeth): Aw, then what can I do for fun then? *pout* >"For all who do these things are an abomination to the Lord...." (Deuteronomy >18:9-13) Rudy: "Duuh, I like rice." (Lobotomy 23 1/2) >All "these things" are demonstrated in the Harry Potter books. These stories are >every bit as spiritual as Christian literature, but the spiritual power they >promote comes from other gods. Rini: Since when? *Giant wheel of cheese drops on her; muffled* Ow. >If you treasure God's truth, may I suggest you >encourage your children not to read these books? I know such parental >intervention sounds grossly offensive, in fact, downright muggleish, to children >who love Harry's magical world and reject Biblical absolutes. Jack: Well, who would want to _be_ a librarian? Lucca: *sigh* It's not... Oh, I'll tell you later. >Yet, just as >"progressive" leaders fear the influence of Biblical truth on budding world >citizens, so Christians parents need to guard their children against all kinds >of occult "counsel:" Lucca: You stay the HELL away from my Playsta... oh, _COUNSEL_. Sorry, my mistake. >"Blessed is the man [including child and woman] who - >walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Lucca: Or in wads of gum. >nor stands in the path of sinners, >nor sits in the seat of mockers; Rudy: Nor paints his ass red and yells "LOOK! I'M A BABBOON!" >But his delight is in the law of the LORD, >And in His law he meditates day and night." (Psalm 1:1-6) Jack: Thus throwing the _worst_ parties in history. >REMEMBER HISTORY'S LESSONS. Lucca: And please remember to turn down the volume. My ears are ringing! Jack: What? I'm sorry, I don't know the poem, "I Hear America Singing"! Rudy: I refuse to contribute to this. -_-; Lucca and Jack: What? >The witchcraft and wizardry in Harry Potter books >may be fantasy, but they familiarize children with a very real and >increasingly popular religion - one that few really understand. Rini: *Frees herself yet again* Including you, you- *Cold water falls on her, turning her into a rabbit* ?! Voice: Sheesh, she's so stubborn. Rudy: At least you don't have to deal with her on a daily basis. >Far removed >from the terrors of tribal witchcraft and shamanism, Americans are oblivious >to the bondages that normally follow occult favors. Lucca: Hmm... bondage, you say? Rudy: Why do I have this really bad feeling about the near future? O_o; >But historical and >archeological records have traced the earth-centered myths, practices, and >consequences through the millennia. Rudy: _Some_one needs a hobby, then. >They have verified the timing of certain >Old Testament accounts of droughts, famines, and wars -- three consequences >that God's people would face if they traded His truth and strength for the >Canaanite gods and rituals. Jack: But what good would Canaanite be if Superman doesn't exist yet? >(Deut. 28, 1 Cor. 10) There, as in other >earth-centered cultures around the world, the human cruelties involved in >pagan worship included torture, mutilation and human sacrifice. Lucca: Only pagans did torture and mutilation? *Teacher-like* Tsk, tsk, you shouldn't fall asleep in history class, young lady! Detention for you! >Many of these >practices continued in parts of the world until the 20th century, when the >spread of genuine Christianity (totally different from cultural Christianity) >with its emphasis on love and the value of life, made most of these cruelties >intolerable. *All wait for Rini to rant, until it's remembered that she's currently a rabbit* Rudy: Ah, the sound of silence... >But now the world turns, once again, from God's truth to the >world's gods and rituals. Lucca (announcer): Next, on "As the World Turns", Janie dumps God for Odin, the new Norse fellow in town. >Its not surprising that Ms Rowling warned that, >starting with her 4th book, the series will grow darker. Rudy: Thus requiring a ten-dollar light that drains the batteries, right? Lucca: Right. You have learned well, young Roughnight. >Some good >characters "that the reader cares about" will have to die. Rudy: Well, that means Draco and Snape will live long lives after the series ends. Voice: HEY! I _LIKE_ Draco and Snape. Rudy: So? >SHARE GOD'S LOVE WITH EVERYONE. Lucca: Hmm... Free love... ^__^ Rudy: meep! Jack: *Mutters* I tell ya, the boy ain't right... >God's way to multicultural understanding and >global unity is essential today. He cares for people in every culture, longs >to set them free, and wants to love them through us. Lucca: I repeat: Free love! ^_^ >Harry Potter may conquor >evil forces with witchcraft, but in the real spiritual world, no pagan power >can counter the frightening consequences of dealing with demons. Lucca: Perhaps not, but Lenneth Valkyrie can! >Only God can. >That's why He has sent missionaries to all parts of the world to bring His >peace, love, and release from demonic bondage. Rudy: That doesn't involve tentacles, does it? Tentacles creep me out... >Keep in mind, only Christian >love has motivated individuals to leave Western comforts (soft beds, safe >food and water, etc.) to serve and heal those who live with unthinkable >physical hardships and the constant threat of curses, spells, and other >spiritual dangers. Jack: Like fraternity hazing. >His genuine love - as demonstrated through His faithful >servants - can't even be compared to the notion of politically correct >"tolerance" so widely promoted today. Lucca (Annoucer): So take the His Geniune Love Challenge today! You find it can't compare with other Geniune Loves out there! >DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR FAITH. Lucca: However, you should apologize for your Brave Points. >Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the >life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Jack: So he's a ghost? >(John 14:7) That sounds >exclusive to some, but don't forget, His loving invitation includes everyone. Rudy (random guy): Dude, orgy at God's house! *Normal* I feel dirty for some reason, but I don't know why. >REMEMBER THAT GOD IS FAR GREATER! Jack: He is The Game, and he's That. Damn. Good. >By ourselves we cannot resist "the devil's >schemes," but in Christ we are "more than conquerors." Lucca: d00d, w3 4r3 l33t!!!1!! Rudy: w00t, b!47<|-| >Thanks be to God who >leads us in His triumph! (1 John 4:4, Romans 8:37) Rudy: And the peasants rejoice. All (peasants): Yay. >PRAY. Lucca: That this'll end soon? Gladly. >Only God can slow the massive international movement toward conformity >to pagan beliefs and values. Rudy: Stop conformity to conform to something else? My head hurts... >In a nation that has traded truth and reality >for politically correct tolerance and unity, Christians are called to remain >faithful, prayerful and hopeful in Christ, who offers genuine love and unity. Jack: And fudgey goodness. Let's not forget fudgey goodness. >WEAR Lucca: Yeah, you're wearing something, that's for sure. >God's Armor--a set of strategic truths that exposes and counters every >deception. Lucca: God's Armor - HP +5, MP +30, Wgt +7, Null: Charm, Confusion, Innocent, Add: Faith >When we "put on the whole armor," Lucca: -our Speed Rating goes down the crapper. >God fills us with Jack: Creamy nougat! >His life even >as He covers us. Don't forget that our real enemy is the spiritual hierarchy >of occult forces, not globalist educators or well-meaning teachers. Rudy: The spiders are the enemy too. Don't forget them. *shudder* >Only >God's power and protection will enable our children to resist and triumph. *All stand up and do their victory poses* >"They will fight against you, >But they shall not prevail against you. >For I am with you," says the LORD, "to deliver you." Jack: -a beer and a fresh can of whup-ass for you to open. >iJeremiah 1:19 Rudy: I, Robot 13:37 >To see how these books fit into the multicultural program of our new >national/international education system - and what your family can do about >it, read chapters 4 and 8 in Brave New Schools. Lucca: I'd rather not, thanks. *Lucca and Rudy exit. Jack collects bunny-Rini and her clothes, then leaves too* *Reverse door sequence* [SOL] *Rini is back to her normal self and dressed. She is on the bridge talking to Cecilia via the screen* Rini: So, will you help me out here? [E.C.] Cecilia: *shrug* Why not? I've nothing better to do here... [SOL] Rini: Oh, thank you, Cecilia! You won't regret this! *Mutters* Too much. Hopefully. *Rudy enters from the right* Rudy: Regret what? Rini: Er... Well... ^^;;; [E.C.] Cecilia: Don't worry about it, Rudy. It's nothing, really. ^^;;; *Sound of a door opening is heard* Oops, gotta go before I get caught. Say hi to Jack and Hanpan for me! *Runs and hides as Mala-chan and Marle enter* Mala-chan: A convention. Of all things you could do, you run off to a convention _with our inventor's reason for being here_ and don't tell anyone. Marle: I said I was sorry... ^^; Mala-chan: *Notices the screen is on* Hmph, we'll discuss punishment later; the lab rats are watching. Enjoy your little rant, did you? [SOL] Rini: Hardly, but part of the reason was because the boss kept dropping things on me. Rudy: At least it didn't repeat lines word-for-word every couple of paragraphs. *shudder* [E.C.] Mala-chan: Hmph. Well, there's always next time. Marle! Push the button! *FWOOOSH!* *Fade to black* *Roll credits* --------------------------------------------------- The REAL End Comments? E-mail at: lessa990@aol.com Or I send Renamon out after you. >This power-filled realm with its charms and spells soon becomes normal as well as >addictive to those who immerse their minds with its seductive images. Lookie, shameless plugs! Organized Chaos! (My RPG humor site) http://spoonybard.nu/chaos *~swearing to the sky~* (My Wild Arms shrine) http://www.angelfire.com/wa2/filgaia Season one: ------------------ Episode 101: "Battle of the Strongest" Episode 102: Raging Double Feature ("Wild ARMs Rage" and "Toshinden Rage") Episode 103: "The Cursed Waters" Episode 104: "The Jonathanlizers" Episode 105: "Final Fantasy VII: The Untold Story" part 1 Episode 106: "The Return of Lord Thinker" Episode 107: "Get Rich Quick" spam. Episode 108: "Don't Freak Out" Episode 109a: "The Price of Redemption" parts 1-3 Season Two: ---------------- Episode 202: "Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development" Episode 201b: "Messila's Journey" part 2 Episode 201c: "Mesilla's Journey" part 3 Episode 204: "FFVII: The Untold Story" part 2 Episode 205: "Behind the Scenes" Episode 208: "Beloved? Yeah, Right" Season Three: ------------------ *Special!* Episode 300: "The Happy Spell" *Special!* Episode 208b: "Beloved: A Vampire's Tale" Episode 301d: "Messila's Journey" part 4 Episode 301e: "Messila's Journey" part 5 Episode 302: "Decency Patrol #2" Episode 303: "Slayer Arms" part 1 Episode 301h: "Messila's Journey" part 8 Episode 301i: "Messila's Journey" part 9 Episode 304: "Killey" part 1 Season Four: ------------------ *Special!* Episode 400: "Crystal Rainbows" part 1 Episode 401: Miscellanious Miscellany ("Chick Tract" parody) Episode 403: "Killey" part 2 Episode 404: "Killey" part 3 Episode 405: "Genso Suikoden: Super Stars of Destiny" Episode 406: "Genso Suikoden: Moving On Up" (Part 2 of SSoD) Episode 407l: "Messila's Journey" part 12 Episode 408: "Slayer Arms" part 2 Episode 409: "Genso Suikoden: Super Stars of Destiny" part 3 Episode 407m: "Messila's Journey" part 13 Season Five: ------------------ Episode 501: "Killey" part 4 Episode 502: "Genso Suikoden: Super Stars of Destiny" part 4 Episode 503: "Crimson Desires" Episode 504: "Bewitched by Harry Potter" Xenogears interludes: ------------------------- Episode 109b: "The Price of Redemption" parts 4-5 Episode 201a: "Messila's Journey" part 1 Episode 203: "Ash's New Friend" Episode 206: "Emerald Nights" part 1 Episode 207: "Pokemon Gangbang" (MSTed with Hyperonius) Episode 301f: "Messila's Journey" part 6 Episode 301g: "Messila's Journey" part 7 Episode 305: "An Interesting Twist" (MSTed with Hyperonius) Episode 402j: "Messila's Journey" part 10 Episode 402k: "Messila's Journey" part 11 Other MSTings: ------------------ Episode 000: "Rebirth" (MSTed with Nick) Episode 001: Stephen Gohan's letter to the GIA (MSTed with Katana Angel) Episode 003 or Fortuna Fanfic Theater 5000 episode 9: "10-chi Returns" (MSTed with DadyTengu)