Fortuna Samizdat Productions presents, in cooperation with Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings.... FORTUNA FANFIC THEATRE 5000 Episode 9 By DadyTengu and Chibi-Chan WARNING--LEMON [The scene: SOR Control Room. Kumiko and Yarunseto are sitting at two adjacent wall consoles, facing away from them towards the centre of the room.] Kumiko: Katsuhiko Jinnai. Yarun: Easy! Brian J. Mason. This should be a bit more difficult....Linn Suzuki. Kumiko: Heh. You think you can trick me with something from a fanservice title. Ranma-chan, of course. Now...Rei Ayanami. Yarun: You're really off your game today...Ami Mizuno. Tsuneo voice [over speakers]:She does NOT look like Rei! Kumiko and Yarun:[with sweatdrops]Erm... Yarun: Let's drop that one, shall we? Your turn again. Kumiko: Yui Hongo. Yarun: Haruka Ten'ou. Are you even trying? Kumiko: Bzzt wrong...I was thinking of Hitomi Kanzaki. Yui doesn't look like a boy. Yarun: [mumbled]En-bloody-tirely different art style...[normal]That was hardly fair, but... point. Kumiko: OK...one-zip, my favor. Dan from Elmer Studios. Yarun: 2040 Leon, right? Wait...Dan only exists in MSTings and RPG campaigns. He doesn't belong in this game. Kumiko: Whatever...you got it right, so it doesn't matter. Your turn. Yarun: Sephiroth. Kumiko: Xavier Eneles.[develops a daydreaming look for a few seconds.] Yarun: Heheh. I knew that you'd do that. And you whinge about my little fantasies... Kumiko: Urd. Yarun: Shion...[glazes over entirely] Kumiko: Unlike you, I don't drool on the floor. Yarun: [eyes focusing again]Eh? Oh, I suppose I did...Well, Enough of that. We seem to know each other all too well, today. I concede. Kumiko: Chicken-Wuss. Yarun: Hardly. I'm rather more of a Trepe Groupie. At any rate, I was growing bored. [turns to the console, pours himself a glass of wine from the bottle sitting there, and begins drinking] Can we use the Rec Room yet, or is Nori-6 still working in there? Kumiko: Still busy, last time I saw...I just hope she has it done in time for the next Invention Exchange. Yarun: Hmm...any messages, then? Kumiko: Let's see...Oh, my God. The creator of the NLS.^_^ Guess we're better known than I thought. >Newaz JJ writes: >Subject: Tenchi's Cousin >*Warning. Not a comprehendible letter. Kumiko: Can't be as bad as the fics we've seen. >It is too early in the morning. You have been warned.* > ........geez. I think my Aura of Smooth detecter just melted. Yarun: That would be a handy widget to have, wouldn't it? >With that sentece(and the >help of the subject heading :P), it isn't hard to tell that I just finished reading Tenchi's >Cousin. Yarun: May the gods help your soul. >You already know of the obvious self insertion of Kenji, the dumb Chi/Jurai cross, Kumiko: Yeah, that was a beaut. A classic example of Lazy Fic Syndrome. I was just waiting for him to bring midiclorians[Is this how you spell it?] into it. Yarun: Not to mention that he seemed headed for a rather more literal self-insertion. >and basically the overall stupidity of the story itself, so that takes care of that. Also, >I won't say anything about the first part getting cut off, since you already regarded that >issue....... Kumiko: It was more of us riffing a stupid fic. It should be up by now. >you made me run out of topics!!! Oh wait, I *am* going to read the whole first >part upon restoration. Yarun: Then I hope it made you laugh...just so someone would get something out of this wretched business. >I just wish I knew a bit more about the different characters you use >each Mst, so as to better understand everything. If only my animeic knowledge(Animeic is not >a word. I made it up for lack of a better.) Yarun: "Otakous," perhaps? Kumiko: They aren't our choice...but I've recognized them all so far. >was more extensive, I could better know what's >going on, as well as improve my own Msting ability. Kumiko: Don't worry, it's fine. Yarun: Of course, she'd watch Xavier read the phone book...*WHAP* >Oh well, I can fake my way through >anything!!! ....wait, that didn't sound good, did it? Kumiko: Princey, I think you've been a bad influence on him. Yarun: [eye roll]Har har. >Uh, quickly moving on, j! ust a couple >more things. Yarun: [Lt. Columbo]One more thing... >One, I wish beyond all power that I could work as fast as you. Kumiko: We wouldn't if we could help it...she just sends them close together. >My current >project has been staring at me from my background for almost forever, just waiting for me to >make a quip about Chun-Li's breasts. Yarun: Perhaps about their gradual expansion from the original Street Fighter II to Marvel Vs. Capcom...not that it's a bad thing... >Second, I have been forc.... asked to acquire knowledge >of how one might contact Tessiri. Yarun: I have no idea. She contacts other people when she wishes, and takes what she wants. >Anonymously, of course. Not to name any names, Mr. >incredibly lonely greedy jerk mercenary with an overactive libido stranded on the Satellite >of Mercs by the name of Tristan Eneles who couldn't get a woman if- Ow!! Hey! Get off! NO!! >That's not what I meant!!! AAHH!!!! HELP!!!! >Newaz 'Netime, Newhere, Newaz' Kumiko: Heh heh...Tristan _would_ like her, wouldn't he? Yarun: Seems the control-freaks always do want to be dominated... [The side door opens, and Nori-6 floats in.] Nori-6: The simulation system is complete and functioning properly. Yarun: Splendid. Let's have a try, see what it can do. [begins heading for the door, apparently lost in thought.] Kumiko: Lemme guess. You're either going to be James Bond or a WW1 ace. Yarun: What little imagination you credit me with. I might as well suppose that you wanted to be Emeraldas, or Lina Inverse. Wait...perhaps Utena? No...[his sentence is cut off by a loud beep as the comms light begins flashing.] Kumiko: Guess it'll have to wait for later; the Pointlessness Patrol's calling. You should be very glad you couldn't finish that sentence. It would've hurt.[taps the button] Yarun: [with an expression of aggrieved innocence]What? What do you think I would have said? Kumiko: I'm not sure exactly, but I know I wouldn't like it. I know that face you put on when you think you're being clever. [The screen comes on. Tessiri stands in foreground, in a dress that, as usual, would break indecency ordinances on some more backward planets. Mr. Tengu is off to the side, working a control panel, also as usual.] Tessiri: Hello, my pets. Kumiko: Hey, Elmyra.[Tessiri's eyes narrow, but she shows no other reaction.] Tessiri: You seem unusually cheerful today. Not, dear Captain, that you have lost your marvelous edge, but the general impression there is rather sickeningly comfortable...we _must_ change that. Kumiko: [sarcastic]You're a wonderful human being, Tessiri. Yarun: [mumbled]Additional dialogue by Han Solo. Tessiri: Why, thank you, Captain.[gives an evil smile, and leans towards the camera. The transcriber must once again quickly get a tissue. He should just keep a pack with him when Tessiri will be appearing.] Nori-6: Perhaps the reason for the change is our latest invention. We have installed a forcefield-based simulation system in the Rec Room, using components cannibalised from the theatre entrance hall. Tessiri: It is unfortunate, then, that we have none...I have been otherwise occupied. Yarun: Alielle, or Mr. Ayanami there? Tessiri: Neither, unfortunately. As for the actual reason...It is none of your concern. [Author's Note: It was another MST, Sailor Moon L part 1. Read it and find out.] Tessiri: Now, Mr. Tengu, send them a guest. Anyone...I cannot wait to see their reaction to today's fic. Mr. Tengu: Hmm...Who to choose... [In the awkward silence as the unfortunate assistant attempts to make a decision, music and annoying voice samples belonging to Star Ocean 2 can be heard from offscreen.] Alielle: [O.S.] Hehe...Opera wa sugoi! Mr. Tengu: [suddenly relieved]Very well, then. Her it is. [He operates the controls, and the transport tube vanishes in a bluegreen flash, then reappears a moment later on the SOR, frost-covered and producing fog. It opens with a hiss, and a blonde woman of average height (and a not so average amount of eyes... she has three) steps out. She wears a evening-gown flavored dress with a long slit on one side. She totes a really BIG gun over her shoulder.] Opera: Whare the hell am I?! *Grumbles under her breath* Ernest, if you got me lost again... Kumiko: Nobody's fault but hers.[points at Tessiri's image.] Yarun: [Staring, with the full complement of sparkles and pastel bubbles] Her intention, as far as we can tell, is to drive us mad. But I will do anything I can to keep her from hurting you... Kumiko: [Muttered, sweatdrop] Here he goes, full Kunou mode...Bet he manages to work in a 3x3 Eyes reference somehow... Opera: Why, aren't you just the gentleman? Would you happen to have any wine or such? Something tells me I'll be needing it... Yarun: [Now silhouetted against a dramatically appropriate light source, and rather caught up in his own fine words.]I would gladly become nothing to protect you, die many times, give over my soul... Kumiko: [still muttered] Can I call them, or what? [To Opera]That's a pretty bad deal. You'd only get a little piece, with how many women he falls for on a daily basis. Yarun: [winding down]...Wine, you say? [offers his usual bottle, and a spare glass that may well be out of Hammerspace.] Opera: I hate to tell you this, but I already have a boyfriend, you two. Not that I mind the attention, mind you... *wink* Kumiko: Oh, no. It's not like that. Not for me, anyway. I just know how this idiot operates. Yarun: So she says... Opera: *Sweatdrop* Uh... *Tries to change the subject* Can I get some of that wine now? [Yarunseto pours some into the second glass and hands it to her.] Tessiri: Amusing though this is, my patience is _very_ limited. Today's trash is another jaunt into Lemon territory courtesy of our old friend the 10 o'Clock Assassin, a revision of his infamous "Quickies" entitled, quite simply..."10-Chi Returns." Opera: This is bad, right? Kumiko: Very. This guy is to lemons what Cliffs Notes are to literature, if you ran them through the Babelfish a few times and added some rap-related crap. Opera: And we have to READ one of his stories?! *gulps down the wine* Tessiri: [Also staring at Opera's image, in a much less respectful way.] That is the general idea. Unless... Opera: Unless what? Tessiri: [Smiling rather dangerously] Now, now, there is no need to play innocent... Kumiko: [To Opera] You want to watch the fic. Trust me. Opera: *Thinks of what Tessiri could be implying* Uh, I think I'll stay here, if that's OK with these folks here. *Sweatdrop* Tessiri: Pity. Send the fic, Mr. Tengu. [Lights and sirens.] Kumiko: $#!t, we have lemon sign... [Door sequence] Door 7:Dog bone. Door 6:Marked with the Toshitani crest, slides away toward the corners. Door 5:A giant stuffed Rampage. Kumiko kicks it, and it explodes in a shower of anime-mascot plushies. Door 4:An IRC channel with an operator fight in progress. All dodge flying /kicks and proceed on. Door 3:A cardboard standee of Claude Kenni. It spontaneously tears into pieces. Door 2:A drawbridge, already down. Yarun and Nori-6 go on in, Kumiko does a Douglas Fairbanks up the ropes, and Opera checks for potential danger from anyone named Alpha at the next door, then goes on in. Door 1:A ceiling hatch, very heavy. Yarunseto simply whaps a nearby button and it flips open. [The riffers take their seats in this order...Nori-6, Kumiko, Yarunseto, Opera. The gun goes in the next seat.] FANFIC VISUALISATION SYSTEM ON LINE..... PICTURE START >Shinji The 10 o'Clock Assassin Kumiko: He can only shoot 60 degrees to his left. Yarun: I pity any woman whom he... Kumiko: I didn't mean that! Yarun: Yes, and? ^_^ >http://members.xoom.com/Shinji_2200/KNSImpact.htm Nori-6: Avoid this page if at all possible. Opera: Contents may induce vomiting. >tyree3@pacbell.net Kumiko: [chanting] Spammers, flamers, cranks, and lamers...send it all right here... >This fanfic contains sex and harsh language. Yarun: Hardly be much of a lemon if it didn't, mm? Not that anything this chap writes is much of anything. Opera: Much like Ernest in the bedroom, but that's another story. >p >Viewer's discretion is >strongly advised. Kumiko: Don't worry, if we had a choice, we wouldn't be reading it. >If not; then you can go watch the Disney Channel for >all I care. Opera: Yes, the Disney Channel, where no animals ever have any reproductive organs! Nori-6: Or, perhaps, you could attend a writing class. > ************ Opera: Ooo, little targets to practice on! *Reaches for her gun* > The next day, at the Society for the Prevention of the Use of >Underaged Anime Girls for Lemons... Kumiko: A worthy cause. Yarun: But...aren't most anime girls...The Senshi... Kumiko: So's Sasami. [Yarunseto turns a quite incredible green.] >Shinji: But I made these girls over 18 years of age! WHAT PART > OF "OVER 18 DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND??!!" Kumiko: The part where they're incredibly OOC? Nori-6: The part where you are shouting incoherently? Opera: *Singing* o/~ What part of "Over 18" don't you understand? o/~ >Clerk: Oh, the parts where you include incest. Yarun: [Clerk] And the insects too...That fic was drawing flies like no one's business! >Shinji: Oh, excuse me. Yarun: [Jaleel White] Ex-cuuuuuuuuuse me! >"Super Taboo" is a sex manga brought to > the US by Eros Comix, and it became one of the top selling > comics here. Kumiko: Well, what do you expect from America? Taste? >It had incest pouring out of it's pages! Opera: And other fluids... >Clerk: I see... Kumiko: [Clerk] But you should have a bit of trouble with that in a few years, if it's true what they told me as a kid... >Shinji: I'm also a writer of a bunch of Eva lemons! Why didn't you > attack me then?! Opera (Clerk): Our guns were in the shop. Kumiko: [producing force-sabre and activating it] Who needs guns? Opera: Simple. Guys who want to compensate for their tiny- Nori-6: That is quite enough. >Clerk: Because it was the creator's fault. Nori-6: Only if it concerned Kaji and Misato... [At the mention of Kaji, Kumiko makes retching sounds.] Opera: *To Yarun* Should I ask who Kaji is? Yarun: Not unless you have a long time...it's a very complicated series. Opera: Oh. >Shinji: And why is it that I'd get kicked in the groin for doing > lemons like these; and yet everyone else is making, AND > COLLECTING MIND YOU, hentai pics of Sasami, Ruri, > Skuld, and...! Yarun: Everyone? I'm most certainly not...[to the rest] Are you? Kumiko: Hell, no! Nori-6: Negative. Opera: EXCUSE ME?! I think I'm gonna hurl now... >OH LOOK!! IS THAT A NAKED CHIBI- > USA UP THERE??!! [Yarun looks up...and immediately looks down, loudly vomiting with a noise suspiciously like "Tsunai!"] >Clerk: THAT IS ENOUGH!! 10 o'Clock, I'll have you know that > we're keeping a very sharp eye on you for now on! Opera (10 o'Clock): So _that's_ what was jabbin' me in the ass all night! Damn sharp eyes! >We > refuse to put up with more of your mindless fuck-a-minute > fuck-a-thons! And don't think we can't do anything to you. > We have the technology. Yarun: We can rebuild him...make him stronger..faster...more incoherent... >Shinji: (Sneering.) I see... And hey! All: [protestors] Hey, hey! Ho, ho! These fics must go! >Clerk: What is it? Opera: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's- Yarun: Superwanker? Opera: That works. >Shinji: #1: Puff Daddy is still number one on the rap charts. Kumiko: The hell?! Nori-6: A classic example of a non-sequitur... Yarun: And it dates this rather nicely. [Author's note: This MST is set in 201x in a more interesting universe than ours.] >#2: > South Park is making a killing on cable. Yarun: Nightly, of Kenny. Opera: What about Claude? Kumiko: Not him, just another piece of American pop culture you're better off missing. >#3: End of > Evangelion is still being praised as the number one movie for > five years. Kumiko: Hel-lo! Ever hear of a little thing called Mononoke Hime? Opera: *Aquires a foam finger* We're number one! We're number one! >And #4: Pokemon is one gigantic "chicken- > fight," [Yarunseto breaks up laughing] Yarun: A lemon..haha..writer, and he can't say "cock?" >and yet children all over the US are trying to "catch > them all." Explain to me why is that? Opera: o/~ Why does porn suddenly appear/ Everytime... you are near? o/~ > But the clerk didn't listen to him. Kumiko: Finally, some _intelligence_ in this fic! >He's currently hearing the latest >Puff Daddy jam. His desk is filled with paraphernalia Yarun: Seems Citan's been there... >from South Park >and Pokeman. Yarun: Poke-man! Superhero of pornography! Opera: With the strength of a hundred Pikachus, Pokeman! >And his computer screen has a screen saver that replays >the dreaded "mastubation scene" from the End of Eva. Opera: The WHAT?! *Turns green* I need a drink... *urk!* Nori-6: That scene was intended, as was the entire "Rebirth" segment, as disturbing. Opera: It SUCCEEDS in that! >Gee, that >explains everything! Nori-6: Yes, it shows clearly that our author is creating a combination of ad hominem and tu quoque arguments against a fictional opponent. > That night, the 10 o'Clock Assassin is in front of his computer >trying to figure out a way to clean up his most MST'ed fiction to date. Kumiko: Try "format c:". >Shinji: Okay, let's see... Removes sex scenes with Achika and > Mayuka... Huff... Probably remove the Tsunami and > Mitsuki sex scene as well... Opera (Shinji): *Ala Cheep-Cheep* Take out the shrimp, the clams and the perches! Yarun: Tsunami and Mitsuki...together? I wouldn't mind seeing that, if only for the novelty value... > ************ Yarun: [singing]Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... > 10-CHI RETURNS > or > BECAUSE I LOVE TENCHI MUYO Opera (Kunou): I love you I would date with you... Kumiko: Sounds a lot like somebody else here... > ************ Yarun: I never knew there was a 12-letter curse word... > It's morning at the Masaki household. The sun shines through the >window, causing Tenchi to wake up before his alarm goes off. Opera: I'm surprised it wasn't a cock crowing that woke him up- Kumiko: Nah, it was his "mighty Johnson" in the original version. >He >opens his eyes and tries to focus them. He then rolls over to find... >Ryoko's smooth body right next to him. Yarun: Lucky bastard. Kumiko: No, that's Tenchi, not Dark Schneider. >He also finds out that she's >very, VERY unclad. Nori-6: It would be a waste of time to point out how little sense that sentence makes. >Ryoko: (Smiling) Good morning, Tenchi. Yarun (Yakko as Tenchi): And helloooooooo, nurse! Kumiko: [Tenchi] Oh..ha...YAAAAH! [normal] That's what he should say. Now let's see how he goes OOC. > Now Tenchi; already groggy from a year of sex, sex, and more >sex; [Kumiko facefaults] Nori-6: -semicolons, semicolons, and more semicolons... >goes automatic. Opera: -spraying bullets EVERYWHERE! Oh, the horror! >He kisses Ryoko in the mouth and soon slams his >cock into the wiley alien. Yarun: That confirms it. Either 10-o's never been with a woman, or he doesn't deserve to. He seems never to have heard of foreplay. Kumiko: I think he's just being a lazy writer, myself. Opera: The secret side of Surf Village, next on Geraldo... >On the other end, she's pretty amazed at the >fact that it's been over one Earth year now, and he's still at his peak >performance. Kumiko: Behold the power of OOC. >Whatever Washuu had sneaked into his food that day >must've done wonders for his sexual drive. Opera: But he doesn't have a Sexual Driver's license! Tsk, tsk! > After a while Ryoko explodes under the power of his cock Kumiko: Eew...just like the proverbial blue-haired nurse. Yarun: Now that I think of it, doesn't it rather stretch credulity to have Tenchi in any sort of dominant position? >before >Tenchi shoots his seed and empties himself into his first alien "friend." Opera (Tenchi; gangster): Say hello to my little friend! >He then takes some clean clothes and leaves the room wondering why >he isn't so groggy from all that vaginal muscular pressure on his cock. Kumiko: He didn't know it had broken off. [Yarunseto, predictably, crosses his legs] Nori-6: Groggy? That would imply that the pressure on his genitals was restricting blood flow to his brain. This seems to be taking a figure of speech far too literally. >-=**=- >(It's a scene change.) Yarun: Or what Citan sees when he's stoned. > He goes into the nearest bathroom, but the door's locked. Tenchi >was just about to pout when the door suddenly opens from the inside. >It's Princess Aeka, wearing only her bathrobe. Both of them are >surprised at first, but she greets her lover (and great^? grand-nephew?) >with a weak smile. Opera (Aeka): Dammit, I thought I could get away... Kumiko: [Aeka] You just screwed that monster woman, right? I think I'll kill you now. >Aeka: Oh. My apologies, Lord Tenchi. The other washroom is still > in repairs (from me and Ryoko fighting over you). Nori-6: It takes a great deal of talent to speak in parentheses. >Your > father said it was okay to use this one right here. Yarun: [Aeka] Why, he installed a camera in the shower just for us. >Tenchi: My apologies, your highness. But I really have to use the > restroom now. Opera: Must... resist... lame Parappa ref... Yarun: But I can't. "I need to go just as bad as you; what I had this morning I don't even wanna say to you." Kumiko: [Aeka] I heard you and Ryouko. You can use the floor. > He tries to go in, but the princess is still in his way. Yarun: Perhaps this is the same idea as the door girl in "Miyuki-chan in Wonderland"... >Aeka: If and only if... You allow me to join you. Yarun: [MCP] Join me...and together, we will be complete. Kumiko: Can we have a moment of silence for any kind of goddamn _characterization_ here? [pause] Thank you. > Obviously, the attempt to avoid her majesty this morning is an >utter failure. And so, he goes in as her highness closes the door behind >him and locks it. Opera: Didn't I see this before in an old "Pepe Le Pew" cartoon? > And so, after what seemed like the longest piss ever, Tenchi soon >felt like the weight of the world had fell off his shoulders. Kumiko: But it was his head. Opera: THUNK! >He then finds >the weight of Princess Aeka on his shoulders as she wipes some of the >piss (as well as the stench of Ryoko's "baggy pussy") Yarun: I won't ask what Ryo-Ohki has to do with this. Opera: I hope to Tria that the 10 o'Clock Assassin isn't another name for Oscar. *shudder* Nori-6: Doubtful. He is able to spell; he simply cannot write. >from his cock >with a washcloth. She then positions herself against the door which >Tenchi wanted to go out through. > >Aeka: Now now, Lord Tenchi. There's only one way out. Kumiko (Aeka): And that is death! OHHOHOHOHOHO! > Poor Tenchi had no choice but to pleasure her highness. He kisses >her in the mouth as he plays with her small breasts and cunt. Opera (Tenchi as a kid): OK, Squadron A, hide in the cave and Squadron B will attack from the hills... Yarun: [bitter]Has to insult Aeka, or it isn't a Tenchi fic... >She >returns the favor by massaging his massive hard-on; being careful not to let it explode before it's proper use. Kumiko: She hadn't even stuck in the detonator wires yet. > Tenchi then lifts up her left leg as he slides his cock into her. Yarun: [yawn] Oh, my, a whole sentence before he puts it in. This is almost improving. >The >thing to note is that he really doesn't like putting his cock into her >highness because she's SO FUCKING TIGHT!!! Opera: So it snapped off, the end. Anyone up for a drinking contest? Yarun: I would be delighted, but the fic isn't so merciful. Opera: After the fic, then, Yarun? *grins* [Yarun smiles in response.] >The fact that she has >the flattest chest instantly gives away her secret. Kumiko: Er...what secret? Opera: Huh? Yarun: Flattest in the same sense that one man is the shortest on a bloody professional basketball team... >And it's always the >same: He hammers it in, Kumiko: The hell? Guess it did snap off, and he's using a mallet. [Yarunseto winces] >he EXPLODES and empties himself into her... Yarun: [sarcastic] Don't you simply _love_ a gentle, romantic sex scene? Opera (Aeka): Uh oh, I blew up another one... >Aeka: Tenchi! You done it again! You came and didn't give me > the chance to come with you! HOW DARE YOU!!! Kumiko: [Aeka, Akane-like] Tenchi...no...BAKA! Yarun: Perhaps if you'd taken more than one sodding sentence before you jammed it in... > And next comes the apologizing, the butt-kissing, Yarun: Considering her tendencies, boot-kissing might be more likely... >and ultimately >the pussy-licking. Not that licking her highness's soft fleshy petals is >anything bad, mind you. Yarun: First line here that I can agree with. Kumiko: Ecchi... Yarun: ^_^ >But she had the sex-drive of an 18-wheeler; Opera: *Blinks in confusion* Uh, she carryin' a trailer or something? [Kumiko breaks out laughing] Yarun: What? Kumiko: Mental image...hahaha...two trucks getting it on... >meaning that it will take him about an hour or two to get her off using >his tongue, fingers, and unreliable cock. > >-=**=- >(Kohran from Sakura Wars after an explosion.) Opera (Margeret Cho's mother): KOHRAAAAAAAAN!! Kumiko: [Rei Ayanami voice]Ha ha ha. Stop it. You are killing me. > Tenchi then heads downstairs... (Aw, fuck it.) Kumiko: PLEASE tell me he abandoned the fic here... >And decides to pay >a little visit to Washuu's laboratory; hoping that she isn't doing anything >weird this morning. Opera: _Please_ don't say Professor Emma, B-ko, and Precis are there... Nori-6: She was performing an experiment to determine the tolerance of sentences for structural defects. Kumiko: Washuu? Not do anything weird? Pull the other one. >Washuuu: Well, good morning my dear Tenchi. Would you like to take > part in one of my experiments today? Yarun: Of course he doesn't. On the other hand, I'm available...*WHAP* Kumiko: Damn, I thought you were behaving yourself this time. My mistake, huh? Opera: *Giggling* I like him; he's silly. >Tenchi: No thanks. I just came here to slam my cock into your pussy > so hard; your title of "Universe's Greatest Scientist" will be > reduced to "Fourth Greatest." Nothing more. Yarun: At times like this I wish for the clarity of Thinker. Nori-6: It appears to be some unclearly concieved reference to the expression "to [insert term here] one's brains out"... Kumiko: Insert standard riff about dominant Tenchi being more OOC than merely horny Tenchi...[yawns] >Washuuuu: Oh, that's a mean thing to say about me. And I had > something special cooked up for you, today. Opera (Washuu): Akane helped me with it! Kumiko: [Washuu] Essence of character violation. Nori-6: You have already said similar things many times, Captain. Could you possibly stop? Kumiko: When the fic does. Yeah, I know I stole your line, Rebecca. Bite me. >Tenchi: (Shakes his head violently...) Hey! What is it with all these > "u's" after your name? Yarun: An unfunny joke on the title of a fic even stupider than this, but that isn't important right now. >Washuuuuu: I'm not sure. People were complaining about the > proper way my name was spelt... Opera: o/~ My mad scientist has a first name, it's W-A-S-H-U-U... o/~ Kumiko: Washuu or Wasyuu--you need to keep the long vowel or it doesn't mean what it's supposed to. Nori-6: Congratulations, captain. That was far more pedantic than I could ever hope to be. > Author takes break to check Japanese dictionary, taking a note that > the name of the greatest scientist in the solar system means "Eagle > Feathers:" Kumiko: What was that crash? Opera: Fourth wall... > Washi = Eagle > Yuu = Does One's Hair Opera: An eagle beautician? Trippy... > Washiyuu... Wasyuu... Washuu... Washu... > Oh, I see! > Goujira... Godzilla! Kumiko: Yes, but is the evil empire in Gundam the Zeons or the Jions? >Tenchi: Forget this! Can we screw now, MS. WASHUU? Yarun: [Washuu] WASHUU-CHAN! >Washuu: Not today, unfortunately. My real body's currently in the > chamber for a centurial prognosis Kumiko: [Washuu]...oil change, wheel balance, see what that funny rattle is... Opera (Washuu): *Continues* ... breast enlargements, liposuction... >and the only spare body I > have on stock had no vagina. So... Kumiko: [Washuu] Tough luck, buster. > Second point down. Opera: She score a safety at the Super Bowl? >Ms. Washuu IS doing something weird. Nori-6: Dr. Obvious, please report to the lab. >But >his grief soon turns into estacy (albeit a sick one) Kumiko: No $#!t, Sherlock. >as the small prodigy Opera: LEON! NOOOOOOOOOOO!! Yarun: [not really singing, but it's still a perfect impression] I'm a firestarter/Twisted firestarter... >takes his cock out Kumiko: At the base, and throws it away. [Yarun scrunches up in his seat.] Opera: It's OK; I'll protect you from that mean ol' tomboy, Yarun. *smiles* >and does amazing things to it with her tongue and >hands. Kumiko: [author] Which I had too little experience to describe. >[ADVERTISEMENT] > And now, you too can own the highly controversial Universal > Kama Sutra! Only $24.95! WHAT A BARGAIN!! Yarun: Buy it, 10 o'. You need all the help you can get. Opera: Ten'oh? You didn't tell me you knew Haruka. Yarun: She hasn't appeared here. Yet. Which has prevented _her_ [indicates Kumiko] from making an embarassing scene.*WHAP* Kumiko: You must think I'm deaf. >Available > RIGHT NOW at your local Tower and Virgin CD/Video/Book Opera: I doubt _anything's_ virgin in this story. Nori-6: Tower...virgin...I believe that was his idea of a hidden joke. > Store! GET IT TODAY!! >[END ADVERTISEMENT] Yarun: Now back to our regularly scheduled stupidity. > Tenchi totally loses it as he shoots his seed into the red-haired >scientist's mouth. Kumiko: And it goes through the back of her head, killing her instantly. >But she's unable to swallow it all and has to contend >with having his white, gooey sperm splurt all over her cute face and >hair. Yarun: There he goes...I knew he couldn't revise _all_ the "splurt"s out of this... Kumiko: Congratulations. You've ruined my appetite. Opera (Bat from Ferngully): Yummy and nutritious; tastes just like chicken! [Kumiko glares at her] *Opera grins at her in response* >(Shut up! Or do you want me to put Sasami in this as well?) Kumiko: You do, you die. Not that you won't anyway.[Author's note: This is her, NOT me.] >Washuu: See? Almost as good as the real thing, huh? Yarun: Not a bleeding chance. > At this point, poor Tenchi couldn't decide whether to facevault or >go-hard again... Kumiko: Lemon cliche #18... >-=**=- >(Shermie after being caught in her own "spiral.") Opera: Tsk, tsk! You should've gotten the perm done by a professional, Sherm. > Despite this morning's "cock-shootings," Opera: You call _that_ shooting?! That ain't nothin'! Watch and learn, pal! [aims at screen] >Tenchi manages to have >some breakfast and is currently on his way towards Tokyo University. Kumiko: Tokyo? That's one hell of a commute from Okayama prefecture. Yarun: And this is the "over 18" bit, eh? I'd wager it's as cosmetic as in most hentai translations... Opera: Ever hear the words "sucker bet?" >He nearly passes the Miho-Kiyo apartment along the way before his >mind starts to click again. Kumiko: His mind being in his pants, of course. >Tenchi: Oh, what the hell. Might as well do something for the Miho- > Kiyo fans. Kumiko: In respect to their fans, he walks on by. Yarun: Please let this be the two of them, leave Mighty Johnson of Splurt out just this once... Kumiko: Hear hear...I have never so wanted Rule 3 to apply. [activates her sword] But DON'T say anything, ouji-chan. > He goes up to the door of said apartment and knocks on it... Yarun: [Mihoshi] Go away...we're sorta busy in here, Tenchi-dono... Opera [Kiyone]: Dammit, where'd I put the extra handcuffs?! [Yarunseto chuckles appreciatively] >After >a couple seconds the door opens to reveal the lovely "Teal-Dressed >Goddess" Kiyone; Nori-6: That should be "tressed", referring to hair. If you must use fannish inside references, use them correctly. >sporting the luxurious swim suit she wore during the >"Mugen Tenchi Muyo" lemon sidestory. Kumiko: Which we haven't read, so it means precisely f***-all. Yarun: Speak for yourself. >Kiyone: Oh. Hi, Tenchi. >Mihoshi: ALRIGHT!! IT'S TENCHI!! COME ON IN!! Opera (Kiyone): You tie him up and I'll get the butcher knife. One way or another, this ends here! > And he does so, looking towards Kiyone who's silently insulting >the bronzed bubblehead. Kumiko: *mumblemumble* generic *mumble*.... Yarun: How did Tom get bronzed, and what smegging relation does it have to the fic? >Not wanting this to turn into another bad >Miho-Kiyo fiasco, Tenchi comes around her back and kisses the cheek >of the goddess with the red headband. Yarun: That's almost nice. Pity she's the one it makes the least sense for. Opera: *Suspisciously* Which cheek? >He then looks toward Mihoshi >who's wearing the same style swimsuit, only with less material on it. Nori-6: But it is actually made of the exact same amount. > Tenchi's cock grew to fuller than full mast when he caught the >mere glimpse of the lovely Mihoshi. Kumiko: Then the blood pressure that sustained it destroyed his heart. The end. >But he saw Kiyone first so... Opera: ...she was the first to die. >He >asks the goddess who was at the now-closed doorway if she didn't mind >being boinked by him. Yarun: [sarcastic]Looovely. Lemon in the passive voice. Kumiko: [Kiyone] Look into the blaster barrel and I'll answer that. >And an answer had already been given when she >unzipped his fly and removed the bulge from his pants. Kumiko: And hung it on the wall. >She licks away >at his member, and in no time flat his seed was already flying from his >cockpiece and onto the lovely Kiyone. Nori-6: In a similar manner to that in which the author was spraying verb tenses. Opera: Tsk, the boy has no stamina at all... > She then takes his shrinking member and slithers it Kumiko: [Mihoshi] KYAAAA! Snake! Kill it! *stomp* >into her wet >and waiting pussy, causing him to go hard once more. Opera: And it became petrified and was never functional again. Now on with the drinking contest! >[Tenchi notes >again that whatever Washuu gave him had really done some wonders for >him. His refraction time has been cut very short.] Kumiko: There's "refraction time" again. Where the hell did he get that? >He takes her by the >waist and slams his cock into her, Kumiko: I think this guy has some aggression issues concerning women. Opera: You know, if he keeps mistreating the fowl, the ASPCA's gonna be all over his ass. >watching in awe and amazement as >Mihoshi licks all of his come off Kiyone's face, hair, and breasts. And >added to the immense pleasure is the loud moaning and torrent of lady- >cum caused by his love for her and his large cock. Opera: What the hell is the giant chicken from Hyrule doin' there?! Yarun: Anime Lemon Cliche #1... > Far from being through, he then takes Mihoshi by her cute bottom >and slowly slides his cock into her as he plays with her large breasts. Yarun: Er, where? And this is even more abrupt than before...his hands must have been getting tired. Kumiko: Quit bitching...that means it'll be over sooner. >It >feels so good as he continuously slides his member in and out of her, >causing the lucky GP officer to moan even louder than Kiyone had. Nori-6: And in the present tense, as well. >Speaking of Kiyone, she's now between the legs of her love and >roommate; adding more pleasure to them Kumiko: And I'm sure the legs appreciated it. >with her expertice in tongue- >fu. Opera (Kiyone; badly dubbed): Ha! Your inferior Mighty Johnson is no match for my Tongue-Fu! HAHAHAHAHAHA! >Mihoshi soon loses her control and another torrent of lady-cum is >caused; falling all over Kiyone's face. Kumiko: Unfortunaly, a semicolon came out with it and hit her in the eye. >Tenchi then exits her canal, Opera: o/~ 15 miles on the Erie Canal/ We've hauled some barges in our day... o/~ >rolls >her over, and sprays his semen all over the bronzed blonde's face and >breasts; Yarun: The 10 o'Clock Assassin! Bringing H-doujinshi to life since 199...something. >which were still bouncing about from Kiyone's hand playing >with her roommate's still-sensitive pussy. Yarun: Sad to see the Gainax Bounce used for evil in this way. > Tenchi then looks at the clock... He's got an hour before his class >actually starts! This guy has to go! But not before giving the lovely >Miho-Kiyo duo a deep kiss goodbye to each. Yarun: [singing] This kiss, this kiss...it's criminal... >-=**=- >(Hideaki Anno after meeting some really pissed-off fans of Eva. With >MALLETS!) Kumiko: He made "End" because people complained about how unclear the series ending was, you yutz. > My language is harsh! And coarse like the sands of time! And you >will be struck! STRUCK!! With a tidal wave of words!" Opera: I'm so glad Kunou found work after Ranma 1/2 ended. > Tenchi's in his History 5 class watching a film about the >Reformation, where Martin Luther and his followers take a stand against >the spoiling of religion. Kumiko: And they're studying European history because we all _know_ the entire galaxy revolves around that one culture... Yarun: Bitter often? >"Well, that's what happens when you leave it >out in the open for too long!" jokes one classmate who's seen way too >many "Cash Money Records" videos. Yarun: So rap videos were mysteriously popular in Japan in the late 1990s? Odd... > After said class Tenchi's about to leave when he hears a certain, >yet soothing, voice... Opera: Well, that excludes Fran Drescher... Kumiko: Not to mention Araki Kae... >Sakuya: Good afternoon, Ten-chan. Yarun: [Sana rant mode]Ohnoleaveheroutofitshe'ssocuteandinteresting... Opera (Sakuya): Wanna see me do a Hadoken? Kumiko: That's a crossover we really don't need. >Tenchi: Uhh... Hi, Sakuya. How are you doing? Kumiko: [Sakuya]Fine, until I got cast in this piece of $#!t. >Sakuya: I'm doing fine! Hey, ain't that Mr. Fujisawa so cool? Yarun: See earlier point about "college." He's a high school teacher. >Tenchi: Yeah, he is cool. But I'm thinking about dropping the class. Yarun: [Tenchi]And my trousers. Opera: You are, Yarun? *Bats her eyes and smiles* Kumiko: I'd say to get a room, but I really don't want to think about it. >Sakuya: Huh? How come? >Tenchi: Well... I've been too busy. On top of my other two classes I > got... Opera (Tenchi): ...my trusty bong-brother, Sir Puffs-a-Lot to deal with. >(A hard-on in my pants again!) Some other projects to > deal with. Sakuya: Well, I'm so sorry to hear that, Ten- chanyouain'thidin'thatcockfromme. Opera: Cousin to Commented Cronowhatthef***isgoingthroughherhead. >Hey! How about we go > someplacesoyoucanboinkmewiththatlargecockofyours and > get a soda? Kumiko: Is this Sakuya, or Sana? Yarun: [strained voice, very pale]Sana...lemon...help... > And by this point, Tenchi knew exactly what she's been saying. Kumiko (Tenchi): Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows...? OH CRAP! >He takes her to the nearest janitorial room which is not being used. Yarun: Opens the closet door, and finds Kumiko in there. [Kumiko stands, turns, and kicks Yarunseto over the back of his seat.] Opera: That had to hurt... *Takes out a Blueberry and uses it in the mystical RPG healing item fashion on Yarun* Yarun: [climbing back over into the seat on the far side of Opera] Thank you. Opera: You're welcome. >And >as soon as he closed the door, Sakuya was already sliding along side >him in eagerness. Nori-6: Odd, I thought it was in the janitorial closet. > He lifts her left leg, Yarun: Does the author have a left-leg fetish? It was the same with Aeka. >going under her ravishingly short skirt, >and >pushes aside her frilly underwear to lick at her soft, moistening pussy. Opera: ...because she was a giant stamp. He then stuck her to a letter and mailed her to France! >His tongue massages the girl's dampening entrance, causing her to moan >loudly. Kumiko: -in frustration, because he, just like the author, had forgotten to account for her tights. >"Thank God for soundproofing," he thought as he causes her >dam to break after a while. Yarun: [Tenchi] It keeps us from hearing the audience snore. > Tenchi then takes his cock out and somehow manages to slide it >into her. Opera: And Tenchi is sliding to home base! Oh, but the catcher gets the ball! He's out at home! The Masaki Maniacs lose the pennant! >Sakuya cries in sheer pain, noticing out much larger he's >become sence Yarun: No, this is non-"sence." >she was last done by him. >Overdriven by lust, Tenchi Kumiko: Now, there's a combination of words I never thought I'd see... >starts drilling a deeper hole into his latest girlfriend Yarun: I apologise on behalf of all males for this. Kumiko: [quiet, through clenched teeth]...load of misogynistic crap... >as he slams his >salami into her. Opera: Hey, Tenchi's got an Oscar-Meyer weiner! Kumiko: Meat, huh? Here's a goddamn slicer! [activates sword, and spins it several times, then goes through an elaborate form that makes several large cuts in the next row of seats.] >Sakuya has been sent past the "point of no return." Opera: o/~ Paaaaast.../ The point of noooo return,/ The final threshooooold! o/~ >And Tenchi blows yet another load into yet another beautiful girl today. Yarun: Gods, he must be bloody dehydrated by this point. Opera: Maybe he's an incubus? >And OH DOES THAT FEEL SO GOOD!!! Kumiko: Yeah, for him. > The janitor who had caught them leaving, on the other hand, did >not find it so pleasing... Kumiko: ...ratted them out to the school and got them thrown out in disgrace. Tenchi committed seppuku, and Sakuya went postal in the school office. The end. >Janitor: Goddamn you kids! That's the fifth time you used that place > in about a month now!! Opera (Janitor): Gosh darn kids and their sex thing... >-=**=- >(A crab with no claws.) Yarun: A joke with no point. Opera: There's a point to this? Yarun: You have a point. > Later on, Nagi is outside the Masaki Shrine trying to figure out a >way to capture the (former) space pirate Ryoko without causing some >unneeded reaction from the other residence: Yarun: The house next door liked Ryouko a great deal. >Aeka will have a fit Opera (Tailor): So you want a nice dress so you look good when you crush this Ryoko person? >("She's >mine! Nobody gets revenge on her except for me!"), Yarun: [Kumiko]We've been such good enemies, Tessiri. Why end it like that?[normal] Well, that's what you said when she thought you were going to kill her... Kumiko: Oh, shut up. I was sick of fighting. >Sasami will cry for >centuries, the two spacecops won't like it one bit, Washuu will try to >blow the world up, and Tenchi will actually cause his hidden power to >come out of hiding. Opera: *Overdramatic* The power of the Mighty Johnson of SCHWING! *Choir music plays for a moment* Yarun: And now he rubs our faces in his continuity-raping...pain...stop..when? Opera: Just focus on the drinking contest after this, Yarun. >Nagi: Damn you, Ryoko. You're just too comfortable within the > safety of this household. Just how long are you planning to > hide in there? Kumiko: Damn, this reads like bad Hong Kong dubbing. Yarun: [Ryouko]At least until Aeka and I are finished... > She soon notices Tenchi coming from down the street. Opera: And he was singing "Doo wha diddy, diddy dum, diddy do." >He then >catches a glimpse of her, Yarun: [Tenchi]MOKKORI![normal]Well, he is acting like Ryo Saeba here. Worse, really. >thinking it's Ryoko wanting to have another >sexual discussion with him and marched straight towards her to put an >end to it. Nori-6: Put an end to what? The run-on sentence? >But as he gets closer, he soon recognizes her as the >"intergalactic bounty hunter," and decided that maybe he should go the >other way... Yarun: [Nagi, singing]When you see me comin'/You better step aside/Several men didn't/And several men died... >Nagi: Tenchi Masaki! (Stopping him in his tracks with her words.) Kumiko: So she's Banshee now? > Ryoko is a coward not to challenge me one-on-one. Are you > a coward as well? Yarun: [Nagi]What are ya, McFly? Chicken? Opera (Nagi): The bitch, after I got these new basketball shoes too... >Tenchi: Look. I don't wanna have sex with you. I'm already sore > from doing six women as of today. Kumiko: Diddums. Imagine how they feel from all that "hammering" and "drilling." >Nagi: And will it hurt you to do one more, Masaki? Or am I just > too hideous to be even considered worthy of your mighty > salami? Yarun: And at that line, I would hit the floor laughing. Opera: *eye twitch* It's not a salami! It's the Mighty Johnson of SCHWING! *Choir music plays for a moment again* > Come to think of it... Opera: NO! No thinking! My head hurts as is! *eye twitch* >Nagi can be quite attractive when she wants; >despite the freakish hairstyle and the large revenge streak. Yarun: Odd, I find her fierceness adds to her attractiveness. >She has the >three sizes that are somewhere between Kiyone and Mihoshi, Yarun: Bollocks! She's identical to Ryouko, or slightly better. Kumiko: And I'm sure you studied this _really_ carefully. >and she >should be checked out during the episode where the "bathing suit >contest" was held. > > Tenchi soon has Nagi in his room. Opera: o/~ Sitting up in my room, baby.../ I must confess, I'm a mess for you... o/~ Nagi: I'll be just a mere doll to you. Do with me whatever you like. [Kumiko pretends to gag.] Yarun: Oh, wonderful, remove any token appearance of female dominance... [Author's note: She tied him up on her ship in the original version.] Opera: *Muttering* _Focus_ on the booze, Opera.... Just focus on the booze... >Tenchi: No way, Nagi. I like for you to participate in this as well. Yarun: [Nagi] Fine, then...Lick my boots and CALL ME QUEEN! > And with that said, causing the hard-boiled bounty hunter to sigh >heavily, Opera: The sigh landed on his head and flattened his skull, killing him instantly! Now for the drinking of alcohol! >she removes her firm-fitting battlesuit with the flick of her >wrist. Yarun: She'll be fitting his firm soon enough...[winces]...This is just too bad. >She lays on his bed and spreads herself wide so he can get a >majestic view of her. Opera (Tenchi): Hey, look! The Grand Titons! >But what caught his attention more was the many >scars the bounty hunter picked up whilst on the job. Nori-6: This is very strange...considering the level of technology shown, medical technology should be far past... Kumiko: Can it. You're slowing us down. >Tenchi: Oh my! You got a scar there as well?! Kumiko: Ouch...don't make me think about that. Opera (Nagi): Tenchi, that's my buttcrack, baka! > Nagi can only give out a weak sneer(?) Yarun: If you don't know, how do you expect us to? > as Tenchi goes in and licks >at her only softspot. After she moistens a bit, Opera: ... he mails her to France too! >she tells him to get on the >bed with him. He does as he's told as Nagi removes the enlarged >member once more Kumiko: And puts it in her trophy case. >and goes down on it like nobody's business. The >two soon placed themselves into a 69 position. Nori-6: Which clearly happened before the previous sentence, as it is in the past, while- Kumiko: We get the idea. Opera: Amateurs. What's _really_ tricky is the _71 and a quarter_ position. >And sometime later, Kumiko: Elliot Ness and his men raced towards Capone's hideout! >Tenchi's face is covered with bounty-hunter-lady-cum while Nagi >makes him blow his load all the way down her throat; an amazing feat >for someone who already has a cock halfway down her throat. Opera: Nah, it'd be amazing if he was on the other side of the _room_ and did that. >And >after shooting a large load of cum, it's still hard. [Yarun simply writes out a sign and holds it up. It says "#18".] > Nagi then positions herself over a zonked-out Tenchi; who she >immediately wakes up. Opera: Sweet Tria, it's not over yet?! >Nagi: It's not sleepytime yet, Tenchi my dear. You still have a job > to perform. Yarun: [Nagi] You will bring us...a shrubbery! Opera: Ni! Ni! Ni! > She then slides his throbbing member into her... AND OH GOD >SHE'S SO TIGHT!!! Yarun: But of course--that's one of those cliches... Nori-6: #4 by Trigg's listing, Your Highness. Opera (Rapper): She tight, word to my homies on the westsy~de. >Well... Not as tight as Sakuya... Aeka's the >tightest... But Nagi is about SO FUCKING TIGHT that he would've >exploded into her instantly... Opera: ... had it not been for those darn kids and that dog! >Had it not been for her womanhood >clamping around the base of his cock; unabling him to come at that >instant. Kumiko: Causing him to backfire and die. >Tenchi: You seem to have had some experience in this before... [All facefault] >Nagi: It's an alien thing, baby. "Predator," "Star Trek & Star > Wars;" they ain't got nothing on the rest of us! Yarun: I don't know...Seven is rather irresistable... Opera: Am I irresistable too? *smiles* Yarun: That goes without saying. Kumiko: Translation--as long as you're good-looking, he has no standards. *Opera glowers at Kumiko* >Tenchi: But it isn't fair. I want to explode right now if you don't > mind. Kumiko: [Nagi, Duke Nukem style]Suck on this. [mimes firing a bazooka downwards] > This causes another sigh from the bounty hunter as she lets him >exit her supernatural cunt... Opera: *In disbelief* It's a _Santana album_?! >But not all the way out. She only keeps the >head of his cock in; massaging his meat as fast as she can. Yarun: That sounds like she has internal tentacles or something... Opera: Don't give him ideas, Yarun! Yarun: Don't worry, he's not that creative. >This sends >the poor guy into supernova Kumiko: And he burns up the entire f***ing fic. The end. >as he empties himself once again into the >wiley semi-villain's sexual entrance. Opera: "Wiley"? I could make a Mega Man ref, but... _naaaah_. Kumiko: I think he's a mechaphile anyway. > After said second blast, he falls onto her body exhausted from all >the sex with ladies from another planet. Yarun: And if that doesn't sound like a B-movie title... Opera: *Hears the word "B-movie"* Uh, I was young and needed the money, I swear! >And Nagi soon has his head >along her breasts, so he can lick at and around the nipples, Yarun: Gods, is this my sister or something? >before falling >prey to the attack of the "slumber fairy." Kumiko: Guess not. >-=**=- >(Two punks on the floor searching for the small meth pills, but are >unsuccessful because they're already high. So they end up hitting each >other in the heads and therefore caused brain damage onto themselves.) Kumiko: And they go on to write bad lemons. > And this is why a guy like him should never have weeks off... >Ever! Opera: More like "Why a guy him shouldn't be around a working keyboard". > The next morning Tenchi meets up with the ladies in the living >room. It's about time to reset the "Weekly Schedule." Opera: Maybe _now_ it'll stop blinking "12:00". >So he takes the >folded-up pieces of paper and places them in his father's hat. He shakes >the hat up Yarun (James Bond): Shaken, not stirred. >("No cheating, Ryoko." "Alright, alright!") and gives each of >the pieces of paper to the ladies. Yarun: INTENSE...SCHEDULE...ACTION! Kumiko: Haven't we seen enough "action" here? >The schedule will be as follows... > >Sunday=Mihoshi (YAY!!) Kumiko: Boo! >Monday=Sakuya (Alright!) Opera: She's back from France already? >Tuesday=Aeka >(I shall prepare something extra special for you, Lord Tenchi.) Yarun: [Aeka] OHHOHOHOHO! Opera (Tenchi): ... mommy. >Wednesday=Ryoko (I'll see you, princess. And then I'll raise it!) Kumiko: [Rei Ayanami] Ha ha ha. That is really very funny. Nori-6: Have you not already... Kumiko: Yeah, but why should I be any more original than he is? >Thursday=Nagi (Hmph. Haven't won yet.) Yarun: Perhaps if you concentrated on your target instead of bonking Tenchi... >Friday=Kiyone (It's kinda sad, really...) Kumiko: Understatement of the month. Opera (C-ko as Kiyone): WAAAAAAAH!! Mishoshi, he's a meanie! I have go next to laaaaaast!! >Saturday=Washuu (My real body should be ready by then.) Opera (Washuu): Then I kill you all... Oops, said that out loud. > One thing will be for sure, though: Whatever Washuu had placed >into his food that night... It's gonna be in his strict nutritional >plan if he ever wants to see another decade. ~_~; Yarun: No, the proper face is more like this....>_< > THE END Kumiko: Here endeth the lemon. Thanks be to God. [The riffers get up and begin to leave.] Tessiri: [over speakers] Not a chance...there is still more. [They retake their seats] > The Tenchi gang are at the movie theatre; watching the last part of >the film run its course... Opera (Aeka): Lord Tenchi, may I smite this Assassin guy now? >Tenchi: So, girls. What do you think? Yarun: [Jay Sherman]It STINKS! >Ryoko: He took out the parts about Mayuka and Achika. Everyone > was complaining about that. Kumiko: [sarcastic] Can't imagine why...Only his own _daughter_ and _mother_... Opera: ... I don't want to know about it, do I? Yarun: I doubt it. >Aeka: Hmph! I'd rather have his own mother touch him instead of > you! Opera: o/~ I don't care 'bout anybody else/ When I think about you touching him, I throw up on myself... o/~ >Ryoko: Oh yeah! And don't tell me that you don't wanna touch him > either, you shrew! >Aeka: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!! Opera (Aeka): The dress you gave me makes my butt look big! > Another Ryoko Vs. Aeka fight ensues until Washuu hits the both >of them with her prized "zapping laser invention thingy." Kumiko: Isn't there an HTML tag for this by now? >Kiyone: I'm actually surprised that the 10 o'Clock would go back and > clean up this piece of garbage. Opera: Nah, to do that, he'd have drag it to the Recycle Bin. >Mihoshi: Why are you being so mean? We get to have sex with > Tenchi! (Giggles.) Yarun: Even she isn't this stupid. >Kiyone: Well, I wanted to have sex with him alone. Kumiko: Since when? Kiyone never had any interest in him! That was one of her best qualities! >The whole > romance thing gets ruined when you're around me. Opera: Is this talking to the author there? >Mihoshi: That's not true, Kiyone! You and I are great together! Yarun: [Mihoshi] Don't you remember, on those boring patrols... Opera (Kiyone): Well, that time with the spanking was rather fun... >Kiyone: No, YOU're great together. I'm better alone with Tenchi. Nori-6: And yet another train of thought jumps the rails... >Sakuya: So, you're an intergalactic bounty hunter. Nagi's your > name? Opera (Nagi): No, it's really Naga the White Serpent, but after I lost track of Lina, I decided to reinvent myself. Yarun: [Sakuya]So...are you free tonight? >Nagi: Yes. And you must be Sakuya; "Tenchi's latest girlfriend" > from Shin Tenchi Muyo. >Sakuya: Correct! Kumiko: [Sakuya, as game show host]You move on to the next round! > They take a moment to stare at each other... Opera: And it was love at first sight... >Nagi: Your behavior spooks me, kid. Kumiko: [gangster] Go away, kid, you're buggin' me. >Sakuya: And you look like you should be in a band or something... Opera: She did and Nagi and the Nagettes took off like a shot straight to the top of the charts! > The gang then exit the theatre deciding on whether to hurt the >author some more or actually "thank" him Kumiko: [sarcastic]Whoa, tough one. Opera: *To the Tenchi cast* I know this guy who can get you weapons real cheap! *smiles* >when they suddenly find >another large group of movie-goers exiting the theatre nextdoor... >Throwing up, or trying to make it to the restroom so they can throw up >there. Yarun: Might do a bit more good to actually reach the toilet... >Tenchi: (Grabbing one person.) Are you alright?! >Person: No I'm not...! Opera (Person): Sergei... and Kamandohl... in a compromising situation... *urk!* The pain! THE PAIN! >Kiyone: What's wrong? Is it the movie you just saw? Kumiko: [person]A Hojo lemon? What were they thinking! > But the person was unable to speak due to some of his food exiting >the way it came in. All he could manage to do was point at the names of >the movie over the door. Needless to say, the Tenchi gang was shocked. Opera: Damn that Pikachu! Kumiko: Looks like Team Tenchi's blasting off again! > FRIDAY GROSS OUT DOUBLE FEATURE: > "POT" W/ > "TENCHI ON A PLATE OF SASHIMI" Yarun: No! You might give my sister ideas! >AUTHOR'S RAMBLINGS: Opera: See: First part of this... thing. >I like to thank everybody who's said that my "10-Chi Clan: The >Quickies" lemon fanfic was bad-bad-BAD!! Kumiko: Well, you're welcome, because we're saying this is bad-bad-BAD!! too. >I'm surprised on how >intolerant you people are out there in the web world. Opera (10 o'Clock): Jeez, a guy writes one bad lemon with incest and everyone jumps all over 'im! What's the world comin' to? >In fact, I didn't >want to go back and fix this fic. I wanted it to be a cornerstone of a fic >that I should never do. Yarun: And here, you built the fic you should never do on it. Congratulations. >But then I read (or tried to read) lemons from all >the other authors out there. And I must ask: Where is the line drawn >between "fuck-a-minute fuck-a-thons" and "Tentacle demon does >everything that walks while getting high on crack and vomiting all over >the place?" Opera: High tentacle demons? That's new. Sick, but new. Kumiko: Sssh! >Tenchi Muyo belongs to AIC/Pioneer. Everything else belongs to their >respected creators. Opera (Rodney dangerfield as a creator): Respect? We get no respect! >And remember: The 10 o'Clock Assassin isn't really a bad shot. I just >have multiple targets to shoot. There's a difference! ^_^ Kumiko: Hey! That was a reference to one of my lines back when we did Chivalry and Treachery! And you still missed. [The screen goes dark] Yarun: Let's get out of here. [Opera picks up her gun, and everyone files out.] [SOR control room. The dogbone door opens, and the riffers step out, all except Nori-6 obviously tired. The screen comes on, and Tessiri appears.] Tessiri: So...How did you find Tyree's latest masterpiece? It seemed at times that you were close to madness..or at least a lovely sort of desperation. And...Ms, Vectra, it was not necessary for you to experience that. If only you had been reasonable... Opera: I'd tell you to bite me, but you'd think it was an invitation. Mr. Tengu: [offscreen] Your impressions, please. Kumiko: The fic? I haven't seen characters twisted this far since...I don't know what. Any Tenchi lemon that actually has Tenchi in it and isn't a wedding-night story is stretching, and this broke in the first few sentences. And it was just sort of evil, too--the kind of porn that makes them say porn promotes rape. On top of that, the point of view was really weird, almost like in his mind that was _him_; a hidden SI with a lot of "inserting." Yarun: Unbelievably bad. Not only was it what she said, but everything was simply short, pointless, and vulgar. Like someone's notes on his rather nasty fantasies. And it was also an even better example than the Fate of the Children Special Edition of how riffs are not to be taken as serious criticism. Nori-6: His writing has improved since "Slayahz," but it is still singularly ill-edited, and lacking in coherency of thought. That is all I have to say. Opera: They pretty much said it all. It could've been better *Mutters* yeah, right, *Normal tone* but it could have been a lot worse. I'm not saying how because I don't wanna give anyone ideas. Mr. Tengu: [to Tessiri] As we only a few minutes ago retrieved the tube, our guest has quite a length of time remaining. Shall we continue observing, or shall I push the button? Tessiri: Continue, by all means. This is...interesting. And I may be able to better embarass my brother with what we record. Opera: So, Yarun, we gonna have a drinking contest or not? *grins* Yarun: Of course...but these sterile surroundings are hardly the proper place. [directs her to one of the side doors] [SOR Rec Room. There is a new computer console on one wall. The door opens, and Yarunseto and Opera enter, each carrying a few bottles of wine. Yarun sets his down, and works with the console for a short while. There is a bright flash, and the room is transformed into a rather generically nice dark wood-and-brass sort of bar, with a few alien touches. A band in one corner plays a sort of music which is, while obviously "foreign", clearly similar to slow jazz.] Opera: *whistles approvingly* Niiiiice. Yarun: I suppose so. Odd to see it from this angle, though...When last I was here, I was disguised as a commoner and playing in the band. Opera: You played in a band? Which instrument? Yarun: Dyana...er, that one.[points out something that resembles a sort of inverted mutant guitar.] Opera: Oh. I personally play the piano. Yarun: *chuckles*...Whatever world, there's always something with a keyboard...I played the local equivalent somewhere else for a while. Odd, how many things a bored second heir will find to do... Opera: Heh... Now, how 'bout we get started? Yarun: I'd be delighted. The last thing you need is to hear me witter on about myself until you transition out. [They walk to the nearest of the circular booths, place the bottles on the table, and are seated.] [The POV pans back over to the door. Kumiko stands there, watching.] Kumiko: [to herself]After that, he deserves this. I can't bring myself to have a problem with it. [She smiles faintly. Then, for no reason but dramatic appropriateness....] BLIPFSSSSHHHHH.... \ | / \|/ -----O----- /|\ / | \ DadyTengu's notes: Now that was something different, wasn't it? I think a bit of WAFF is rather necessary after a lemon of such amazing stupidity and nastiness. Yes, I really thought that. However, any actual bitterness, anger, etc. shown by the riffers is entirely a matter of characterisation. I don't hate you, Mr. Assassin. Otherwise...it took quite a long while to get to this, but when we finally did, it was a pleasure to work with Chibi-chan, and I hope to again sometime. That should be all...over to you, Chibi. Chibi-chan's notes: Eheh, I procrastinated and procrastinated, but it got finally got done! Why did I choose Opera? One, I was playing Star Ocean 2 when I volunteered for this, and two, she reminded me of Yarun, both being drunken aristocrats and such... It worked out OK, right? ^^;; Uh, damn, I'm bad with notes... Nothing to say... I'll just leave ya with a Parappa quote then... "I gotta BELIEVE!" ^_^ The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept and running jokes are property of Best Brains International and Joel Hodgson. Opera Vectra belongs to Sony(?) and Tri-Ace. Alielle belongs to Pioneer and AIC. The other characters used in this MSTing are my own, created for a (planned)manga-style comic, and belong to Fortuna Samizdat Productions. Tenchi Muyo! and all its characters are property of Pioneer and AIC. "10-Chi Returns" belongs to "Shinji the 10 o'Clock Assassin" and no offense is meant, just humourous C&C. DadyTengu can be reached at.... JChance4d4@prodigy.net My page: http://members.xoom.com/DADYTENGU Chibi-chan can be reached at... Lessa990@aol.com Her page: http://www.crosswinds.net/~rinichan _______________________________________________________________________________________________ But she had the sex-drive of an 18-wheeler;